[[How has been]]

Sunday, July 31, 2011

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hello hello. lets try to cut down on the mindless ramblings.

aiyah i cmi studying at home.

after thinking for awhile, i realised, expectations are based in comparison to oneself. that means that my expectations of others are based in comparison to myself. like if i were a slacker i wouldnt expect others to slack. gawd. i know i think too highly of myself. eitherway. expectations are bad. the fall is gonna be hard. and painful.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:47 PM|

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ran 11km today. slowly. haha. i fail. dk how ill ever complete half mara.

im beginning to tend towards not giving a shit about people who dont give a shit about me. or rather giving shit equal to the amount of shit they give. shit in this case is a positive term. i wish it wouldnt have to be this way. its quite sad.

argh. expectations suck like shit. once again i reiterate that i hate expectations and hope to never expect anything. because it will only lead to. disappointment.

friends are so annoying. gawd. maybe i should stop trying to be friends with everyone. be more exclusive. its easier that way. -insert rant about secondary school friends-.

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:13 AM|

Thursday, July 28, 2011

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oh. the all encompassing sianness. hmm. i find some of the topics my classmates post about very interesting.
if only one day i die...
walao you. know. i still occasionally think about. you know. you.
so many admirable people. i wish i could be like them. or the side of them they project themselves out to be. at the very least it would be better than what i am at >.>.
ok diary part. hmm. studied a little this week. but i slacked today. played with fatex. i created several novelty sets. should test them out in the afternoon. night time players are stronger somehow.life looks good on the outside. i dont know whats wrong on the inside.
im sooo envious of a few people. can you be envious of how they are? isit a sin? or is it only a sin when you want to take it from them. being envious to be like them probably doesnt qualify that way eh?
oh why am i like this. i look down on some people too. but perhaps unfairly. they might know stuff i dont, and i need to know that stuff perhaps.
truly deep down i think this sianness is a attempt to make people care? i think. that should be it. but now that its written out it doesnt count anymore. haha. the not asking clause. the clause about wanting something to be done without asking. >< whats the point of asking? takes away the meaning behind the action. i truly wish i could be 知足。
I still staunchly believe if everyone were to be able to read minds, the world would be a much better place.

people are the only reason why other people live. imagine a world without others to compare ourselves to. what point would living have then? and companionship... and somehow i think a world with only 1 person and god would be rather, lonely from the human perspective. no lower beings. maybe animals.

theres so much the christian church is doing wrong. rotting from within due to the suckish nature of christians. i guess im included as well. not behaving as christians should behave and in doing so spoiling the entire meaning of being a christian. maybe we need a new reformation. one that has selective membership and requires members to absolutely conform to behaving the best they can as a christian. maybe the church is too scared of losing members. but having weak unloyal members is worse than having a good core bunch that only expands taking in good people too. i guess some of the criticisms against christianity are more directed towards christians and they are largely valid. how sad. the church is proally like pap. in power for too long and the moment they slip power become very scared and HENCE, become even more ineffective in doing anything.

[[I wrote this at]]*|9:58 PM|

Saturday, July 23, 2011

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bored. so here comes the end... dont feel like running liao. but its stupid to give up at this time eh.

back to you... screw this. feeling super lethargic. i want to.. .. ..

when will you truly get out of the system eh.

eh who do you think you are?

i are imploding. destruction from within much

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:20 AM|

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

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Im SOOO SIAN. I MIGHT Die. Seriously. Whats with this sianness consuming my world.

Sian. I hate the feeling of should have done something but didnt/too lazy. Wonder whether i will regret not applying RD distinction... Bleah. Lets hope this Rd shit fails :D

sian sian sian sian. maybe i should just study. anything to unsian myself. oh it feeeels so terrible. Like a lasting present eh.

I hope i explode soon. Not much time left. mwahahaha.

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:08 PM|

Monday, July 18, 2011

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I just wanted to say.

Plazma burst 2 is pwnz. So fun.
And pokemon online!. My empoleon freaking walled a fortress with 2 shellsmashes before hp fire-ing it into oblivion! am i pro or what. mwahahah.

YOU! waliew.. wai got people dao me. so sad.

You! cant stand you. still. ever since from the start.

You! haish. you... terrible. all your fault. This is ALL YOUR FAULT.

You! If you knew i will be very very annoyed. to the point of possibly killing you.

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:31 PM|

Sunday, July 17, 2011

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i hence conclude i need a permanant friend. maybe not need. but want badly.

[[I wrote this at]]*|9:18 PM|

Saturday, July 16, 2011

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one always thinks he wont be the stupid one that falls into the ditch.

but he falls all the same. I wish i wasnt that stupid. why do people think they can be better than others or that they have something unique and special.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:28 PM|

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

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omt. it happened. ah well.

my own little world world world. mwahahaha. crazy.

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:05 PM|

Saturday, July 9, 2011

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I need to rethink my life. Ever since the main aim kinda collapsed... Argh. It still torments me sometimes.

It was like. I had lost my high paying job. And carried on with my luxury lifestyle. And therefore, i got pwned. Ok im giving myself too much credit. I was on drugs and attempted to carry on with the high-metabolism activities after it was stolen is more like the accurate picture.

What terribleness. Grades suck. Chem was such a letdown. No more excuses liao. Running out of them, to use on myself. I honestly thought it would be better. My math has been deproving since the when. >.> Fail liao la. Whats with this. I would type time to focus on my studies. And with determination. But that would seem like the kinda person I really dislike. Maybe i really dislike myself.

After meeting certain people again. I realised that some have had a very large influence on me. Like I started to act like them. Even when I tried to you know, criticise that way of acting. Its like ive been exposed to too much radiation. Like I became a zombie when trying to rescue zombies/humanify them. But of course this metaphor is once again giving me too much credit. I tend to do that always. MAYBE a more apt metaphor would be me trying to act and going close to the zombie and ended up being infected.

Everything seemed so familiar. Read an article about boredom. The difference between situational boredom and existential boredom. I think i suffer from chronic existential boredom.

I feel scared. So scared to do anything. For a very large part of life. Idk, ive been attention seeking . stuff. Smiles are nice to see. But is attempting to put a smile on people's face futile/undesirable. The 'trolling' point brought up by my classmates. hmm. Is that what people view it as? Me trying to disrupt/hog attention? (though its not entirely false. i mean, well its partly right, but its not the entire thing). Hmm. I hate misunderstandings. Am I that hard to understand...

How do you be "normal". ? Is spontaenity bad? I know im selfish already. But within the selfishness i do, try to make others better sometimes? Maybe I should just become a greater introvert. Read another book. some time ago. About a being called the purge which purged every evil. therefore almost all beings. But theres nothing perfect. Maybe evil is necessary to bring out the good. One should not strive for perfection perhaps?

Im surprised. I think i see the worst in people. Too easily. Take this youtube comment for example.
if i get 40 likes then i will sing this son to the girl that i liked for 6 years
Immediate impression: attention seeking? wanting the top like comment? being bored? nothing constructive?noob american? (stereotype)

Was very impressed by this response: If it takes random strangers likeing ur comment to get you to ask someone you truely love then you know you already had the courage inside of you all along,.. so don't wait...tell them how you really feel.

Like woh. You can emphatise with nameless internet beings eh. impressive.

Ah. I think Francis's latest post (3 july) is super sweet and nice. And happy. He pwnz. 好羡慕。

Oh right. Is talking to people on Msn being annoying/wasting time. I dont know... What is this world coming to. I cant talk to you because i want to.? Like for no official reason. Like not because i want to ask for homework. Or maybe the problem is just with me. like i knew from the start. Only I cant. All of you talk to each other. Right? The grass is really greener on the other side.

And is there the need to always have progress? how often have i tried to get people to change things. I guess the effort to change might actually outweigh whatever progress is made. Regression. and corelation.

hate.

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:09 PM|

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

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i can show you the world~~

Hello! yup so about regret. What is regret? regret is the act of feeling sad at something of your own doing. Like emotions so many layers of control. To block regret you can either live your life to the fullest so that there will be no doing. or you can not feel sad. which is easier eh...

Friday got 402 gathering! how. hmm. i wonder.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:49 PM|

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

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stopped checking email since chess ended!. wahaha. how relax. need to study. cant in mood lei. v sian. gng study tmr. promise. join stanchart half marathon with me guys or girls!

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:37 PM|

Monday, July 4, 2011

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Regret is such an interesting topic. what about fear of regret?

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:25 PM|

Saturday, July 2, 2011

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so happening eh. i wonder how will i do for cts. so much to do so much to see. what a break. ah. wadeva la. studies quite sian. play quite sian. thankful for friends though. i guess.

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:18 PM|