[[How has been]]

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

[[]]

hi. i think i got a problem. again.
haish. what happened? why did i suddenly lose control... bleaaaaaaaah. sian sian sian.
this is going tooo far. action has to be taken and it will be taken. mwahahaha.
yah so i either go with it or i fight it i guess. bleah. so much for the control.

[[I wrote this at]]*|4:42 PM|

Sunday, September 25, 2011

[[on death and dying]]

i wanna be unafraid of death. to be sure that when i die, it is the end of a good race.

and i want to do what i have said many times... instead of just saying over and over and over and over and over again.

bleah. and please can i not expect anything. need to ask that of myself.

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:54 PM|

Saturday, September 24, 2011

[[]]

hello ello
i finally went to run. wah triring. haha. and very slow summore
ohwell. haish i shall study tomorrow for chem mcq. i want a decent grade. i really hope i get it. i guess ill have to put in some effort then.
hmmm. dota abit more. hard to win with the team lolol. jk luh. but ohwell. i dont mind not winning. its just for fun and anw spend time with friends. right? RIGHT?
haish. use and be used. whats wrong? i want to love my god as much as i love the people on earth. supposed to be more. but at least as much as. first step.?
there are many ways of living that im deviating from what i want to live. i dont want to live to experience emotion alone. i dont want to live just for making other people happy alone. i dont want to live just to get other people's admiration/affection. i hate my pride.
i know much has been given to me. and much will be expected from me. i guess im prepared to try. i just hope it will be a good enough effort. lol (still not going to say im going to put in my best effort eh?).
i must lose the world. its soooo hard. today i read a book. if only all courage required was physical courage. might, might, be easier. if only there was a war, where good and evil are so clearly defined. but no, evil will not want that hence the lines are blurred until adversary becomes neigh indistinguishble from ally.
help!
i guess its impossible to embrace the present/future without letting go of the past. it is indeed a zero sum game. or at least there is a op cost. afterall, like ive said before, we have the annoying time constraint. lets all be idealists!

[[I wrote this at]]*|9:18 PM|

Friday, September 23, 2011

[[]]

hi guys.
so, prelims are almost over. yet i dun feel really happy or anything. i dun think ill feel super happy when even the As are over. maybe marginally. its like i waited for this day for so long yet when the day actually comes, i feel bored out of my skin. cos nobody to play with me. haha.
played dota with ter lbq and fat. ok luh. for a few games already.
there are a few people i really 佩服. WAH. i think their life is great luh. so wish i could be like them. where did i go wrong. or did i even go wrong? maybe i was born like this.
wawhaha. wasting time on the computer is bad for the eyes. eyes hurt kinda. slept for 12 hours? due to eye hurting.
haish it seemed so familiar. then the illusion breaks.
i need to go run soon. seriously. missed 2 weeks alr >.> full of noops. sian why i can only think of two things. ><. ohwell. prelims went ok.? im hopeful but proally will come back bad. like how i was hopeful previously...
went lan/pool today with some 402 people. except that i didnt do either. and just watched them. bleah. ok la. quite good support rite!
is life just suppoed to revolve around these few things... no it isnt. haizxc. forever endless valentine of my winter heart lololol.
omt im talking rubbish. bye.
people make the world worth living in? i need to work on my spritual life more. again.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:48 PM|

Friday, September 16, 2011

[[]]

i dont like myself eh. my thoughts are polarised on a very few issues. like i cant even think what i want to think. i must blame emotions again. haish. why my life so boring one. so uneventful. so burderned by expectations. i dont even want to do anything. ok. first week of prelims is over. oik luh. lost 10+ marks in each paper. haha. is that ok? quite bad actually. as in at least lost 10+ marks which will mean....
bleah. i miss my old life. i rather have time to waste. then time that i have to do something productive. haish another incoherent post that im just typing whatever comes to mind.
wasting time would be fun. i love to waste time and waste time and waste time and waste time. i really wish i had unlimited time to waste. haish i cant stand pressure. so annoying. i could write a million books if i dont have time constrains. in fact i would like to write alot of books. would be fun. hahahaha. playing is really quite pointless. like playing computer games. but come to think about it, what isnt pointless? it isnt even less pointless, it is less short-term, but it is pointless all the same?

[[I wrote this at]]*|8:22 PM|

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

[[]]

dont be afraid.
when my time comes forget the wrong that ive done~
hello hello!
haishzxc prelims liao. all fail all fail fail all faill allllll. im actually quite lost now.
and feeling sick. i really hope i have some reason to be misseddd
shall we kill somebody? ok mindless ramblings. lost alot of marks already lah. dieeee

[[I wrote this at]]*|8:26 PM|

Thursday, September 8, 2011

[[]]

in other news, i slacked alot today, coz i stayed at home. how boring. read some notes. and did what, 30 minutes of chem. hahahaha. wooh. mindless rambling post!

excitingzxc! wasian wasian wasian wasian. so sian. haish. i guess, there are some people, that just suck too much to be helped. i dont lilke burnt bridges. they smell awful. but then againz... . . . . what to do eh? i could try mending some of them. . . some that matter. BECAUSE, every one burnt is one too much.

aiya. fearful and hopeful of the future. zen me ban?

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:03 AM|

Monday, September 5, 2011

[[]]

haish. lets see an ideal world!

imagine a world without time and restrictions! Maybe thats heaven. No restrictions and time! That will be no opp cost! and no opp cost means we can satisfy unlimited wants! wheeeeeee. Isnt that great?
Being alive on this world we have the restriction of time. We die someday. Or our health fails us someday. So we never have enough time. To do everything we wanna do. Cos everything we wanna do is like non-exhaustive. like i wanna spend a million years with somebody. and another million years with another. and be a pro at everything. and like master the piano, drums .etc .etc. That would be like great. Never grow old... . ... ... ... think about the stuff i could do! Thatd be great luh!
Then we are also restricted by the need to survive. If we live in a place like eden! where there are fruit trees everywhere, no pest/harmfulcreatures .etc.etc wa life so fun! can play catching forever. can do whatever you want! can dance and sing and laugh forever. your time will be entirely yours! actually i wonder. will you be scared if you cannot find what to do for eternity? i guess i could look at the stars... or maybe build a tower to heaven or sth. but actually i realised the genesis sounds alot like that. and we have eternal perfect fellowship! weeeeeeeee. why the stupid adam need to ruin it? just let eve eat the fruit! then maybe youll get another rib removed or something.
Must you always have a greater purpose? maybe once you live forever youll se no need to fufill a greater purpose. no need to fufill a greater purpose because there is no 'kiasuness'!

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:21 AM|

Saturday, September 3, 2011

[[]]

but i dont, i think i see the worst in people ><.

idk whats wrong with me eh... i think im like a shell now la. nothing makes me smile longer than 30 mins... omt how did i survive the june hols. boredom accentuates the sianness. and i cant study. everyday i habour this hope. that i really shouldnt. wa sian la. there are bright points though. butthey fizzle out, as the night drags on and on and on.

Liang Shan Bo Yue!

Omt i think im hopeless luh. wish i could be a wibbert. maybe life wouldnt be this sad now. if i were somebody else.. haish. Is this regret.? still? RegrEt? SERIOUS.?

omt cant stand it. mmvs!

I think i have been living for alot of emotion. Bleah. CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE. or i shall live for the emotion of europhia after a levels. i ..
do want to do well.

would anybody understand how i justify wasting my time...

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:30 PM|

Thursday, September 1, 2011

[[]]

I need to re-contemplate the whole friendship thing. I think i might end up like my father hahahaha. Till i finish thinking...

I realised the using others and the letting others be used by you thing is sorta very prevalant?

What is the point of friends otherwise? Going back to the basics humans tend not to do stuff that has no nett gain to them. Would you count enjoying their company as making use of them? well obviously you wouldnt be their friend if you didnt enjoy their company eh. am i making sense? or perhaps taking an over pessimistic view of things... or to satisfy the need for affirmation/praise? or to gain a sense of happiness.

Some might argue that using friends to satisfy our own needs/wants is nothing negative as it isnt a zero sum game. you get your needs/wants fufilled without imposing on others, without subtracting anything from anyone. Idk... This can only work if friendship remains as it is i guess? But whats the point of friendship without expectation.. What difference, is then a friend from a stranger that i could just strike up a conversation with as and when i feel like? i think friends being a dependable yi kao ban is very important. and that must imply expectations, no? with expectations, not giving then becomes a negative action instead of a neutral action. As such it becomes imposing on others, it becomes a give and take, your friend gives and you take, making (what the hell are you waiting for~~~) it being a sad situation.

As such is friendship such a desirable thing? Add on to the fact that having experienced something, one will feel a need to re-experience it again eh?im quite sure there should be a technical term for it. something along the lines of you cannot lose something youve never had. many times its not the absence of something but the once having of somethingi that hurts more. In friendship, rifts and broken friendships are (to turn and run) inevitable to a large extent. Lets not even talk about active rifts where people quarrel and stuff, i find it very pitiable that friends drive without active effort. Friendship requires constant investment of time, effort and committment. Doing nothing is doing something bad. But it would be very defeatist to argue that because friendships break that we shouldnt have friendships eh? though it seems tempting. the artificial constructs such as school determining friendships arguement thing seems to support this line though... As in, without these artificial constructs friendships deteriorate and eventually break. This means that on our own, without artificial constructs, friendships progress largely negatively, rate of change being negative. it would only follow then that without artificial constructs friendships wont be formed, perhaps this might be the natural order of things. Family then nothing.

And some amel has been talking about not trusting people coz they will hurt you. something similar i guess. though i dont think trusting people is wrong, what use are human relationships without trust? I guess i can be glad that i have trustable friends; at the very least.

I dont like the idea that im using friends to cure my own problems/needs. makes me wonder what are my real motives. and what i might do if the situation changes and they no longer can be made use of by me. terrifying thought.

HAISH. i dont know what to think. lets not bow down to thinking that have been somewhat american influenced and become self centered. this is a floating unsubstantiated claim that i nevertheless stand by and urge you guys to do the same.

I wish i could die for a greater cause. kill two birds with one stone.

/edit: im full of emptiness.

[[I wrote this at]]*|7:00 PM|