[[How has been]]

Sunday, June 24, 2012

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i wonder whether its a good idea to keep blogging on sundays. given that it is, also book in day. especially if i push the blogging far back. i would think the imminent book in would slant the objectivity of the post by alot and probably corrupt it with biasness against the army.

that being said, who gives a shit about that.

ugh. book innnnn.

haish.

ohwell. service term is ending i guess. just chiong the next two weeks. hopefully dont fall sick/get injured, then the end of service term will be here. to be honest i rather have the xiong stuff earlier, so i can slack in peace. this week was an slacking in unease. haish. slacking in unease is such a waste of slack times. haha. ohwell. i kinda suck at enjoying the moment. which means that i probably cant enjoy at all cos the future is always, you know, hazy and all that unpredictability. doesnt matter.

apparently im not going to shoot in platoon live firing either, just feed bullets. how boring.

i really dont know what im doing now manz. playing paladog. such a timewasty game. just before book in to boot. ohwell. maybe the intention behind that is to, time waste? idk. now i wish i had taken a nap. but if i actually napped i would feel like i didnt get to play enough. such uncontentment. i wonder how will uni life be like. too much time spent wondering on a non-ns world. to be honest i think ns is really good. just that i whine like shit about it. people should know that my whining is just attention seeking. really bad but in my opinion, harmless enough. i will reduce it more though. still....

self improvement is such a tiring quest. lowering of expectations is so much easier.

hmm. did i change my font? heck.

looking at the number of dead blogs in my links. i wonder what motivates people to delete their blogs, their own carefully crafted archives. something that represented them. did they dislike their history? trying to forget some things penned down? even if lazy to update there is also no reason to destroy an archive, and a honest one at that. loss of information. or maybe trying to be secretive then? no idea. but the lack of blogs to read is really boring. sucks.

[[I wrote this at]]*|6:13 PM|

Sunday, June 17, 2012

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hello!

attempt at sounding energetic. anyways, today is book in day... so.... yeah.
ohwell. lets see whats there to look forward to...

hmm? one day i will leave behind.. earthly memories. i shall go and do instead of regretting. tata!

[[I wrote this at]]*|4:45 PM|

Monday, June 11, 2012

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hello. centipede is coming up.

hais hais! i really really really hope i have the willpower to not drop out and to not whine. why did i freaking whine during the fastmarch. doesnt make sense! hai hai hai. whining about my whining.

haha. neways i think ill survive. somehow. like how it always works. just that its going to be tiring. again. why tiring. cant army be less tiring. haiiii. depressing train of thought.

eitherways, i got rejected from nus. which kinda blows. mannnn my ego is hurt. hai. i still insist i shouldnt have applied. ohwell. at least that means that there are still more possibilities open. possibilities... i dont really like them. to things that do not matter, choice is annoying.

ahhhh. booking in liaow. ohwell, just do what i need to dooooo and it'll be over.

at least less worried than field camp. but still worried nonetheless.

originally typed on 27th may.

[[I wrote this at]]*|5:08 PM|

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melancholy. hais.

i have been distracted for too long. the feeling of booking in after a long break is really quite sian. its almost as if one could grasp being civilian again only to awake to reality. argh army!

sometimes i really want to curl into a ball. and die. or go to sleep for a really long time until everything i know has passed on. like reset. maybe not everything though. too perfectionist maybe. ive met too much failures recently. ostensibly they are on unimportant things. why? this struggle is really difficult. to tear myself from the world. i like the world as much as i shouldn't. because i find the world, has been unfairly nice to me. and i can get what most can't in the world.

and now i feel useless once again. for once again knowing the theory but failing the practical. as much as id like to blame the army. how much of this failures would still happen had there not been the army would probably be more. a voice of sense in myself knows that i might probably be wasting my time or feeling crappily bored at a job if not for the army. but still. why army! ugh. as much as id like to do well in the army. sometimes i think i want to do well in everything. even when they aern't that important and the odds are stacked against me.

maybe i like feeling gloomy, feeling sad. at least the emotions are authentic. and not a facade at trying to make oneself appear what one isnt or be deluded. of course i would prefer joy. but that would be for when i am able to feel joy. my feeling happy usually isnt grounded to anything of significance and feels really hollow at the end.

i think i live an achievement centered life. one which the world probably favours. but sucks. empty victories. if only i could go to heaven by doing stuff off a checklist. but that would be too easy. and we are not that worthy to have that privilege of earning our own redemption anyway. ohwell. i really ought to do something about it. really.

my time! my time! why do they have to take away my time. as if this is some conspiracy. it would be bad enough if they just made me grow 2 years older in an instance but no. i have to give my energy and effort too. and go through this 2 years. look once again complaining about the army. getting me nowhere man.

oh the thoughts are so confusing. my brain cannot hold its own. and the time, its 5pm already. booking in real soon.when will i get to heaven... i find everything i do rather hollow. like a pathetic attempt at either deluding myself or deluding others. so much for remaining true to myself. i guess i am true to myself but myself isnt what i want myself to be. yet.

someday i will get there. just probably not today.

but nonetheless today will help me get there someday.

not everything is black or white. there are so many shades of grey. given such, it is impossible to sieve out the factors that cause a decision. but nevermind.

[[I wrote this at]]*|5:00 PM|

Sunday, June 10, 2012

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listen to my voice its my disguise!

hello people! for once im not posting on book in day. which would seem to imply that the tone of this post be a little more upbeat. but apparently not.

ohwell. completed centipede. not without its own stories that shall be told another time. it was tiring, but not like totally shag i guess. survivable. survivable. and maybe i can be more leadershippy. idk. i find it annoying to lead people that dont want to be lead. and when there is no necessity to lead. hmmm. but i guess thats like where advanced leadership comes in? neways everyone doesnt wanna be in the army... so....

ohwell. i still find life quite chorish. still cant wait to die. but i think im not putting enough effort into life. i am going to do so. soon. enough. maybe

and social night. is just. -.-

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:49 PM|