[[How has been]]

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

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ahwell. i dont know what to think of myself. apart from the fact that ill probably dislike myself if i meet myself ... hmm.
pitiable. oh right. there is something more. everytime i want to blog i will get back to this point. and feel disappointed with myself. there there. anyway, im going overseas. wont be back till 29 sept. how tiring.... ... ... ...

lets just pray that it goes well. and that i will be safe and i will do well.

in other news, i bought a kari usuki. just for the name. LOL. i think im mad.
SO SCARED.

AHHH. Honestly, this scared comes from the doubt i have within myself that i am not capable enough. being in ocs, i know im probably one of the less fit people. even though there have been recent improvements in combat fitness, i still feel that i have much to improve before becoming an officer.

actually, i think this is one of the reasons why i dread the army. cos im not good enough yet. not good enough by their standards, even more so by my standards. and im not really doing much to meet up to the standards? am i? hais hais.

the two things that bug me the most is my ippt silver and my bobo shooting. >< life sux. once upon a time it was soc. but now that all the passes in ippt have left. silver looks like shit. and need i even start on my shooting >.> only one in whole wing to reshoot. LIKE A NOOB! how annoying.

and the new people. idk lah, actually now i think i dont care whether they like me. but i still hope they do (self contradiction alert). whats with being liked by the world. but im afraid that im not being liked by the world not based on worldly criteria..

if only i could be what i want to be! then it would be easy

fear stems from a lack of confidence. as does dread. i like to be in control of things, like to know how things work, what will happen. i like certainty, or at least close to certainty. or at least know things better than others. this army situation is unfamiliar manz. why why why.

and hope i can do my pc thingum well. praaaay. i think i need alot of prayer. hais.

off to take a 1hr nap before waking up and bruneiiiiiiiii. so much fear. yucks yucks.

[[I wrote this at]]*|3:42 PM|

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

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life is like shopping. walking down a aisle looking out for things that interest one.

then trying to get the stuff that are interesting.

then seeing what you can get.

oh man brunei is coming. and i am suffering from the same sickness again. again. mummee.. and my toe hasnt healed. hasnt healed well enough anyway. whats with dread. i dont get what can be gained by dreading. i dont get why am i always doing this. the anticipation. the restlessness. the irritation. the uneasiness. the un-peace (i dont think chaos or whatever works).

if only i can stop thinking about the future, be it short term or long term. and maybe get down to living in the present. living in the future really does nothing i think. or does it? one only notices the bad stuff but not the everyday stuff that is good afterall.

im insane. i really wonder how life is for others. and how bad/good mine is in comparison. not just in terms of material, but in terms of feelings, friends .etc. Yet another part of me thinks the whole comparison part is wrong. and should just be happy with what i have. and another part argues that everything is god-given .etc. hais. what a confusing world. i just want to cease to exist. idk. do i want to cease to exist? it is very surface reasoning if ceasing the exist is the best way out..

i really wish the best to all the people i know and like. really.

[[I wrote this at]]*|6:35 PM|

Saturday, September 1, 2012

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i wonder if im too happy just to be seemingly appear self aware. knowledge is useless if not put into action. or isit? hmm... isit a greater wrong to know and not do or to not know and to not do or there is no difference?

hais hais. whats else there is. my thoughts have been jumbled like crap. too much army. an update on events then. completed csb, the march of infantry pride or something. had confinement to do overnight aop. which sucks. yeah. going to brunei in less than a week.

so many thoughts why cant i phrase them?!?!?!? maybe next time.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:44 PM|