[[How has been]]

Monday, October 22, 2012

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what have i done?

i think i went a little too crazy. just a little. no actually way too crazy. slid down the slippery slope all the way.

this is disgusting. sometimes i wonder, whether the devil has actually laid these kinds of traps for me. with baits that are way too easy for me to take despite the safeguards that i thought i had put in place. forgive me. ugh, cant take it, i feel sick.

why the hell why the hell.

this doesnt make much sense.

anyway, leaving for taiwan. dont really look forward to it now that its so close. used to look forward to it. but whatever, my emotions do not matter. it will be finished in a moment or so. and i will be back. hais. life is so negative.

ON a happier note, i spent two afternoons walking around by myself. wao, i forgot i could be that contented alone. the first afternoon i wanted to take photos by punggol waterway, then coney islands. butthen, i walked to hougang interchange and got distracted there. spent the next 2 hours or so playing chess and breathing in secondhand smoke. i did the photograph thingy the next day though. it rained on both days.

so i was walking around in the rain. then i met nic lim, then desmond and nic lam for dinner. kinda fun. i like spontaneity.

ANYWAY, the emptiness within is back. haha. but not as bad as i feared. but it still has lots of room and opportunities to get worse. like the long flight. yucks.

i dont know what is the inner intention of myself. i are very scared. i want to stay at home and lie in my bed and hide from the storm. why do we have to do stuff. why? i wanna stuff my head in the pillow and hide below a blanket. and close the windows.

i wanna just eat a bag of chips in my kitchen. then find myself a nice drink. maybe hot milo. while reading the newspapers. feet on the chair. just lying and lazing around. spending time relaxing! maybe eat some raisins. then find a good book after the newspaper is finished. maybe can move to the bed. and read until its time for dinner. read through dinner. then back to the bed until 3am or until i finish the book.

i wanna throw a leaf into a creek and follow it alll the wayyyy. until i can follow it no longer. maybe replace creek with drain. where do you find creeks in singapore?

i wanna watch ants. track the ants back to their nests. watch them go about foraging. LIKE FORAGER! and, if i feel like, pour water into their nests and watch them defend the colony. or maybe stick a stick or two. or maybe make them fight. or maybe just watch how they make new routes. basically the idilic passing of time.

i wanna walk and walk and walk and walk. smile at people. make small talk to different people. watch the sun set and rise. and watch the stars. and the trees. and the snails. and people going about their daily routine. its lovely when you have time to waste. especially when you see others hurrying past you, you can just like, smile. and feel blessed and contented from within.

i wanna watch a fire burn. on a cold day. just sticking as close as you can to it. like the later parts of jcc when it rained. sleeping in a basha, protected barely from the elements. eating a nice breakfast when you are freaking hungry, listening to stories, slowly carving my spear. or fishing rod. i forgot which.

i wanna eat another buffet. an expensive buffet. but in no hurry to stuff myself. so i an just take a pick of what i like. dont have to eat too much. after all, while the restaurant loses when you eat as much as you can, you also lose in that your satisfaction isnt there. just 'full' will be enough. no need to be bloated, or very bloated.

i wanna write down my thoughts. spend time with people.

[[I wrote this at]]*|7:58 PM|

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leaving for taiwan soon. not knowing what to expect again. hope to do a better job. hope for it to be over. hope to go back to sleep.

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:52 AM|

Sunday, October 14, 2012

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hais. in the end. it all comes back to the same thing. hais.

trying to survive in this world by my own effort just doesn't cut i guess. finding my own aim in achievements and competition for this period of time just leaves me very drained. especially when they do not come so freely. but even if they do, it isnt sustainable. for there will always be others better, higher achievements. all the so called real happiness from this so called success is just fleeting. so is whatever contentment thingum. so i guess its back to god. hmm. drifted too far.

i miss the morning prayer sessions. i think izumi & wei lun did fantastically well in that. provides a daily grounding. i wonder if i should, youknow, try to do something like that. its just i feel the level of 'christians' around nowadays aernt very, high. feels hypocritical. idk. like christians not being obedient to the word.

help me to not measure myself by my own gauge or by comparison to others. instead it should be on what god wants. and help me live with that attitude please. had enough of feeling rotten.

anyway, i think i need to decide what sort of experiences i wanna have. afterall, time is limiting, so is money and whatnot...

i really miss the old delta & bmt people like shit. i guess after i leave ocs i might miss the new delta too though.

[[I wrote this at]]*|4:16 PM|

Saturday, October 13, 2012

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melancholic. once again.
sitting at my stupid bench in my stupid bunk in front of my stupid learnet laptop alone. cos my buddy is always busy.
annoyed, annoyed at being back in camp. being selfish. head and thoughts are all a mess. focusing on the short term. the short term is all that seems to matter. lack of foresight. but if you go through day by day, isnt the short term all that matters?
so, apparently in 1 year older. no difference. doesnt do shit. bleah.
i better sort out the problems in my head. before i do something really stupid. like ooc myself. or something. idk. so bereft of idea.
i might regret, spending time on this, as opposed to doing the many asssignments that we have. but that shall be saved for some other day. i dont know whats wrong lah. there must be something more, there must be something more. maybe im just looking in the wrong places. once there is nothing to be gained, it is really hard to put in effort. or maybe whats to be gained just needs to be created/found.
to do list
1. meet up with primary school friends.
2. start writing my ant watcher.
3. spend less time on neopets.
4. train for ippt during weekends.
5. meet up with jc people more?
6. spend more time with god.
7. research on prospective unis more.
8. volunteer somewhere.

whats with all these lists eh.

hais. maybe the root of all this is that ive given up on trying to get any kinda extra award. being like SOM or whatever other shit there is.(i guess it was at the back of my mind even though from the start i knew it would be near impossible) so im content with just comissioning. i guess im rather disappointed that im not, like, near the top in terms of many stuff in the army. and the issue in brunei where i probably got a negative OR just sealed the case.

but really, there is too much negativity. the balance needs to be restored. i havent been high in a long time. because i hate the empty low after it. but maybe...

edit edit: in hindsight, maybe the being sick is the cause, instead of the effect. the stupid flu ive been having since brunei. very annoying. havent been feeling great. maybe feeling great physically will help.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:00 AM|

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hmm.there are many trains of thoughts going on.

First one is the damn sian..

Reason 1. I expected my JCC detail to be damn tight after JCC but it didnt turn out to be.
Reason 2. I thought better of some people than they turned out to be

reason 1 & 2 are expectations i guess

Reason 3. I feel like ive proven the physical part of myself already. kinda.
Reason 4. I cant get SOM for sure, so, you know, not much incentive to work hard.
Reason 5. Moodswings maybe?
Reason 6. Armskote -> therefore no need to volunteer for anything.
Reason 7. Taiwan is coming, it is going to be tiring
Reason 8. I havent passed my SOC for pro term (though i will by the next test)
Reason 9. I havent gotten gold for ippt (though i will try my best to by commissioning).
Reason 10. I have to book in tomorrow damn early.
Reason 11. I am probably going to book out tmr very late or worst case, book out on sunday.
Reason 12. Lots of annoying packing to do for taiwan.
Reason 13. Whole body aching.

Well, all these reasons are very short term. and myopic. i dont know why im so fixated on them when i have so many other reasons not to be sian.

Im not making sense again.

i really wanna say something. someday.

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:43 AM|

Friday, October 12, 2012

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originally i was gonna post something terribly depressing and sad. thinking-wise. however, it seems like the short bookout has lifted spirits considerably. bleah. the homework and sianness outweighs. till later.

[[I wrote this at]]*|9:30 PM|

Sunday, October 7, 2012

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another book in day... haish. hahaha. im mad.

i really whine too much eh. i love stories. especially stories of people i know. or just stories in general.

i admire people that can blog sensibly without being distracted and sidetracked by lots and lots of random thoughts. hmm. i should hold my fingers better and not just type out whatever comes into my mind.

reading a well maintained blog is rare. i must say even this space has become very run-down. playlist not working-> cant give a shit. last updated about 1 year plus 2 years ago. chatbox full of spam-> removed. links broken -> hmm. cant be bothered to remove. descriptions 4 years ago still there. hahaha. maybe someday. seeing a really nicely maintained blog reminds me of the old days when there were lots of stuff to read. one of the reasons i started. it takes a certain kind of people to carry on blogging. the afraid to forget, preserving, reflective, introspective, egoistic kind.

maybe its cos nobody reads that i dont bother to post stuff that are read worthy. hence the incessant idk, sianning. and poorly formatted shit. that is obviously made-up-along. BUT STILL, reading about others is so interesting. i could read blogs all day mans. i mean those sensible ones. mine is probably the worst i would read. haha. shit.

give me hmm. a little bit more drive to do something about this blog thingum. but still, the too-little-time to book in excuse is too powerful.

hmmmmm. i feel like ive been to another world. a world of another person's thoughts. awesome stuff. like just internally agreeing or disagreeing. we should have more thoughtful opinions. instead of ramblings. but ramblings are so much easier to produce... ...

hais book in le book in le.

i feel like im living a worldly life and trying to moderate the christian aspects in. but that shouldnt be the case. at worst it should be a christian life while moderated by the worldly aspects no?

EDIT: would those reading this tell me? sms or smth. thanks.

[[I wrote this at]]*|5:03 PM|

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i dont wanna go to sleep. cos when i wake up, it will be force prep and book in day. 逃避

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:07 AM|

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

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hmmm. queer. i have free time again! wee. being on status is kinda good, in that sense. i could have more free time if not for the um, the the. occt that i choose to attend despite being on status. ohwell, its fun.

hmm. its been awhile since i even considered disliking somebody. for someone to cross that treshold so quickly is quite astounding. bleah. it might be jealousy or whatnot. but yes, i shall resolve not to dislike, but instead to like. wee.

i wish i can just dump everything. and just solely focus on the important god thingum. as if it were that easy. i must say that there is a general dip in enthusiasm after brunei.

i must find a melancholic partner. a person to whine about the meaningless of life with. and perhaps, just perhaps, to snap out of this state of mine objectively. the cycles in the state of minds aernt really that desirable. i should be able to exercise a larger amount of control over them no?

why is this desire to be accepted by the world so great. and by other people (which are of the world), and by society. the desire to fit in!!! there must be something more. i dont want to fit in, yet fitting in feels so nice. so nice that it is the natural tendancy to want to fit in.

and there is this want to be better than others. like a REALLY big want to be better than others. even in things that others are probably better. even in things that probably dont matter. i cant understand. why so competitive. why am i so competitive. WHY!

sleep, sleep.

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:22 PM|

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

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posting from camp eh.

hmmmmmm. whats there to say... im on status? boring stuff.

there must be some capital to store up. maybe this idea stems from the overvaluation of time. it would be best if i could do some activity to store up time for the future. this would mean i can convert this free time to free time in the future as opposed to wasting the present away. so much for living in the present.

i wish i had some epiphany. bleah bleah. i wish the bible is more specific in how to live life. like down to exact details of what to do. haha. but that would defeat the entire purpose would it not. then i could just be a robot following a manual.

That would be nice wouldnt it. man mode all the way.

time is passing, time is passing, time is passing. seriously, i dont think i will ever need a strong neopet. so maybe the way of saving time isnt really that, good. maybe i should really try to write my story. hmmm. good ideas.

[[I wrote this at]]*|8:26 PM|

Monday, October 1, 2012

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hello hello.

ugh, whining time! life is really so boring. i thought of 101 things that i could do the moment i came back, BUT, turns out not really much to do. everyone else is busy so i just stone at home. not that i could be bothered to do anything else productive. ohwell. once again, life seems so aimless. maybe it is just another passing phase, like all the others.

the lack of an aim makes things sooooo tough. its like im just waiting for time to pass. theres no relationships to work on, or that can be worked on substantially, or that i want to work on substantially. haish. sian. then theres not much that i can make progress on during my free time. its just waiting for the exercises to pass and thereafter, commissioning. not much of use. dont even have university to look forward to. egad. now my life seems so weirdly complete. maybe thats why i play neopets and runescape. to store the stuff up for a future. seems like you are not that wasting time, when you actually are.

hmm. it seems like the only time i can eke out a post is just before book in. i guess thats because i know if i dont post then... wont be able to until the next book out. ohwell. i wanna trade runescape money for neopoints!

hmm. i need to write a reflection for lancer.

anyway, i realised that you were actually right, that i want to be somebody 'great'. no, actually just a somebody will do. i dont wanna lead a life that stops at the survival stage. i wanna excel. or at least go beyond survival (i dont mean excel in the ocs way). i want to maximise my own utility. ugh! the time constraint!

ohwell i shall post the lancer reflection that i just finished.

Queer, Lancer passed by as quickly as I thought it would.

On the whole, I must say that Lancer was quite enjoyable and truly an experience that I would not have wanted to miss. This, of course, is said in retrospect. I was somewhat dreading Lancer despite knowing this. Another thing that should be said is that we were really well prepared for Lancer and that is a good effort on the part of the wing. Good job.

The first few days in Lancer were rather hectic, chaotic even at times. The preparation and whatnot really could have been more efficient. But that is not the point. Those days were rather blurry, just a flurry of activity and then nights out and another day closer to Singapore, and commissioning.

The main ‘event’ for me during the first few days was my massive screw-up during the AOP for Ex Temada. While I admit that it was a massive mistake on my part, I think that there were many factors that made the mistake much easier to commit. Firstly would be the fact that we weren’t really taught how to fit in an AOP for a patrol mission (we only learnt deliberate attack). Secondly, we weren’t briefed on the exact how the mission was to be done (didn’t even know it was 6 contact points, that we were going to change appointments halfway .etc .etc). Lastly was really the lack of time, I mean, 1 night to prepare a full AOP without lights out waiver is really not possible. Not that any of the factors justifies my mistake. Ohwell, to look back on the mistake, or rather immediately in the aftermath I felt really bad. I should have not even agreed to sharing, even given that I miscalculated the severity of the situation and mistakenly taught that we (or Benjamin) would just have to do his own set of staff aids when sharing was not approved. Yes, I made a grievous mistake and I am sorry for that. So due to that event I was very troubled and really uneasy especially when I saw that the instructors were really disappointed in what I had done. But then again I doubt this reflection should dwell so much on this event.

For the actual Temada itself, I thought that it went rather well. I feel like capabilities wise I am able to do the job of a PC during a mission even with all the need to improve in the image and all. For the rest of the missions they were rather tiring but valuable experiences nonetheless. Daisy was exceptionally fun given that I survived till the end and actually participated in the whole extended firefight. Proud to earn the delta ilbv thingum.

Then came JCC. I shall not break it down into specific exercises, instead I will give a broad overview. Personally I find I do not really click that well with my JCC detail, as in there are no ‘terribly close’ people within my detail and my buddy having to leave halfway just made it worse. Not that I dislike them. Navigating in a team was really challenging. Especially with me being the ‘main navigator’ and front-man. I felt like I deserved more recognition for my efforts, and this lead to friction because all I got was flak when I was wrong. I personally find that after much difficulty I toned down my pride problem for the later parts of JCC. It gets really annoying when the man-mode people get angry when we get lost. And when they complain that our ‘confirm correct’ is wrong. I must say that joseph is better at navigating than I was (only both of us were navigating) though (and this fact hurts my ego, haha). It is really true that when the shag sets in people’s true colors are shown. Actually, scrap that, people’s uglier sides are shown, mine included. One cannot say that the uglier side is true and the other is untrue because that just would not be true. Eitherway, it was really a fantastic experience, in terms of the skills gained, the knowing of others and the extent of pushing oneself physically. Forager was physically more bearable for me. At times during explorer, especially during the climbing of the last knoll I felt like I was really really close to the limit. Ohwell, great experience and glad I passed JCC.

Then, the next few days were kinda negligible.

[[I wrote this at]]*|8:17 PM|

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hello world. im back from teh wonderful country of brunei.

lots of learning points, and experiences, maybe ill post later today. mind isnt working too well...

[[I wrote this at]]*|1:04 AM|