[[How has been]]

Sunday, December 30, 2012

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temptation is not sin eh. i should stand and fight. and stop running away.

[[I wrote this at]]*|3:11 PM|

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

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maybe lets all just stop thinking, start living in the moment, and start doing, start feeling. the future can worry about itself.

[[I wrote this at]]*|6:50 PM|

Monday, December 24, 2012

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who knows how many relationships, friendships i have screwed up because i didnt know better. maybe i should lament. maybe i should do something.

i am not good with people. i am not too bright. i always say the wrong things. misunderstand, misjudge. and think myself as knowing. i really am not good at this human relation thing. im sorry to anyone i have offended/wronged, even those less 'serious'ones. it really is not my intention. i dont want to dislike anyone and for anyone to dislike me.

It would be nice if i were a phoenix then i could do justice to the emotions through a wonderful sorrowful song that echoes on and on. something bordering on magical. but well, phoenixes are magical aernt they?

maybe i set standards too high. maybe my best is unattainable. maybe i should, lower the standards, allow for a little give while still maintaining it as my best. What is one's best? something almost perfection in the standard that we hold ourselves to is my definition. but this means that the moment i cut myself some slack, just ease the foot on the pedal a little that would, by definition, mean that i havent done my best. That is why i never say i did my best before. I try to go as close as possible, i guess. words mean different things to different people.

wasted opportunities. just passed by the wind. i think if i follow this train of thought more i will sound lunatic. something like each day is only room for more errors to be made, because a perfect day is a given. haha. sounds crazy. but i think i have been thinking like that for awhile.

i understand where it could be seen that i am controlling. my bad. shouldnt have done that. but then there are many things i shouludnt have done. i conclude that we should all embrace imperfection and start from zero. by that i mean the baseline is zero, everything good is added on, and therefore should be happy. it shouldnt be viewed from the lenses of potential. cos i see things as having so much potential, but not living up to it. so it starts from a max. anything less is a loss. nowonder i am a ball of sian.

everything can be brought back to the gaming analogy. what im promoting is to be happy with every wave cleared during tower defence. and not unhappy with every creep leaked, and restarting when there are still 49 lives left.

and giving up. i think its about time, i lay to rest certain parts of my life. too lengthy and too costly to maintain. drives me insane.

it is like a really high level rpg account that you spent your whole life playing. all those hours and eyesight invested into it. somewhat like my darkthrone account. i guess it really needs a good bashing for one to quit.

[[I wrote this at]]*|7:20 PM|

Sunday, December 16, 2012

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everyone faces their own problems. what i dont know doesnt mean its not happening. because the devil was an angel. i have such a myopic view, my view. but is any view better than any other view? because everyone only has the same amount of time to look at what is seemingly 'reality'. just because different choices of looking doesnt make the total amount of look change right. wow i really like the concept of time being a balancer.

i think we over analyse stuff.

My train of thought is so selfish. i can only see things my way. mostly unable to see things other people's ways. mostly not bothering to. insensitive. hais, so tainted, so flawed, i wanna just rip the page off, just restart the whole thing. maybe throw the whole book away.

and maybe, fade into dust. what god has given god has taken who am i to question. all i am to do is to, try my best. just one job, and i screwed it up so much. and just sliding all the way down.. depressing.

in other news, so many interesting people that i could have met and known better...

and i am a little kid. afraid of growing up, afraid of seeing the world, afraid to face the unknown. always wanting to be sheltered. always hiding. delaying and delaying the inevitable. preferring death to facing the fear.

[[I wrote this at]]*|5:23 PM|

Sunday, December 9, 2012

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all i want for Christmas is the gift of time and attention. and i hope to be able to give these stuffs too.

not very successful at some stuffs. still, can always try again. and again. and again. pick and choose and choose and pick. pick the stuff that others dont one, the stuff that others dont see the value in. choose those that already have value.

dum dee dee dum dum. my mind is wandering to many many many places. many of which dont really register.

actually i have lots of time. because if im only waiting to die, all time is free time. so you see, this world doesnt matter to me.i'll give up all i have just to breathe, the same air as you until the day that i die.

ill do lots and lots for you. but of course what you want is not for me to do lots and lots right.

[[I wrote this at]]*|7:03 PM|

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

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how strict to be with yourself?

because you can never fail yourself unless you allow it.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:16 PM|

Monday, December 3, 2012

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egKPU6lkpwc&feature=g-vrec

hahaha. crazy. blogging from camp. everyone is wating for everyone to make the next move. all waiting so as to not make a wrong move. but all secretly wanting, silently choosing, patiently biding a certain choice. So when the choice is finally made, by a brave person, a thousand cloaked daggers are deftly let loose. And the waiting game goes on...

maybe you could replace every with some. maybe its just me.

i love the word wallowing. it sounds so pathetic.

the unspoken requests. its always the unspoken stuff ...

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:19 PM|

Sunday, December 2, 2012

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http://www.sadiemagazine.com/issue-no-11/arts-letters/comic/i-think-i-am-in-friend-love-with-you

haha. saw it on facebook, but im not one to share stuff on facebook, so its here!

i think its interesting how many people have different names for the same phenomena that they discovered independently. friend-love indeed. somehow, i think this would be on a level that is equal to lovers even, until the marrying stage that is.
the feel to be wanted. to be heard. to be thought of. to be something to somebody somehow!

sometimes i have to remind myself im not insane. not insane. not yet.

im so cold. cold cold. i am a walrus.

i have distanced from my friends? this few months.

ive had a fever. for the whole of this book out. hate it. bleah.

Being sick just for the care and attention, almost, almost makes it bearable.

[[I wrote this at]]*|5:34 PM|