[[How has been]]

Saturday, February 16, 2013

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i realised i like prose! maybe i could study it in university.

going to brunei soon. whatever. does not matter. i think life has been decent so far. maybe i really haven't been doing enough.. not enough to solve the problem. hahaha. true true! now i need to do more stuff!

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:55 PM|

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

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I really want to stop liking power so much.

and stop thinking im special and all that.

dont lie and all. i am so small. i wish god would just take me away. hide. run away!

no! fight! stand your ground! do the people proud!

mooching, mooching.boring boring. brunei again. >.> suck thumb. actually im part looking forward to it. but no going out into the field anyway... kinda happy in the lazy way. but kinda sad in the enthu, purposeful kinda way. bleah. and the lazy kind of way doesnt really last.. the happiness is hollow. empty.

Unless i do something meaningful during that time. maybe i should, maybe i should write something really epic.

[[I wrote this at]]*|9:06 PM|

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

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what goes up must come down. when life has been good, it will get worse. it is how quickly you recover from it. and i guess i did reasonably well this time? pat on my own back. As if -.- Lets hope that i do reasonably well this time.

expectations are what drives people to succeed. Yet. Yet. I always let my expectations go out of hand. Especially when they no longer become expectations on myself, but expectations on others. Then i feel awful for it, as if as i trespassed on my own expectations of myself. then because of that i do stuff that are below me. and because of that i feel even more like shit.

Thats it! push the blame to others. but no! the expectations are yours to make right. yes..

And this has always been my sore point, my achilles? heel. But no longer. Luckily my problem is very determined to be solved despite me not wanting it to be solved. ^^

Ok. where was i?

Right, boredom is a choice. you choose to be bored. i am sick of being bored. no more being bored!
And and. Stable people help to stablilise me just by being there. Thanks!
And i think i should put back my cbox. do leave a comment/tag.

[[I wrote this at]]*|6:05 PM|

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tsk tsk. compromising on my own standards... tsk.
one wrong doesn't mean the next wrong is less wrong. a blotch on a paper doesnt mean you should blotch it more.
whats there to think about. i wish i were a baby. instead of this mess.
am i a mess? even?
what all these 'sex' stuff and why is it so fascinating. but they are beneath.

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:27 AM|

Friday, February 8, 2013

[[so, it has come down to this.]]

there is a discrepancy between goals and targets. because we as humans cannot wrap our minds around, and enact large vague stuff that we may or may not inherently know how to define but cannot express it out in words and gauge our own progress. HENCE we turn to more quantifiable targets, more "realistic", more attainable stuff. BUT the sum of all the targets do not equal the goal because your main aim is inherently unquantifiable and all that. THEREFORE we get sidetracked and end up accomplishing something resembling to what we originally set out to do. which may or may not be bad, depending on how close it is to the original idea.

That is perhaps why schools start to go after medals in lieu of sporting ideals, results in lieu of critical thinking .etc.

And that is why I try to place minutes of reading bible .etc instead of a closer walk with god. why i try to spend minutes with people instead of really truly understanding.

my human flaw.

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:03 AM|

Sunday, February 3, 2013

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i feel like expressing myself with expletives.
so quite interestingly, today's study touched on the point of dead works and all that.
hais. i feel so annoyed with myself for not trying hard enough to love god. im a freaking dead christian man. there must be more i can do. more i can feel. ugh. i need to do more! How can my mind want something yet my body not want something. or isit i only want to act like i want but i dont actually want? hmm. possible.
I seriously think i wanna just think i am fails. i wanna sleep. i wanna be a small kid. AHH ESCAPEISM.
i really really really really really wanna be a good christian. i really wanna want. i think i dont really believe. otherwise how can i not love if i believe i am to love? THEN HOW DO I BELIEVE? because i already in my mind say i want. what is this!
spent too much time trying to put in some meaning into my existence. neopets for example. what what?
pondering next action. maybe somebody can help...

[[I wrote this at]]*|7:15 PM|