[[How has been]]

Sunday, April 28, 2013

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priorities!

Time to get myself to do what i think to be important. Rather than to just think and remain thinking. And for it to just dormant itself in my thoughts.

I wonder, since time is finite for us, it is our main restriction. So if god does not have a time restriction perhaps he has something else as a restriction?

Perhaps i should do more preparing and less waiting. Once i passive, the other is passive active.

[[I wrote this at]]*|4:50 PM|

Sunday, April 21, 2013

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The dilemma of an NSF commander...

Hais, so many different voices telling me to do so many things. all conflicting on varying levels. but since when is it about being well liked. Though i cannot dispute that this appeals greatly to my ego. Or is it about doing my duty. like as in duty honour country. Or is it about doing what i want?

And dont you think its really funny, its like we are slaves to the conscript system made to watch over other slaves. Like what is the incentive? that we get a little better, a little more preferential treatment? who cares, im just pointing out questions/problems i do not have answers to.

I like to think it is about doing the right thing. But i dont really know what is the absolute right. I mean, I know what is absolute right, but it cannot be applied. And i guess i lack the moral authority. What with me spending all my time trying to play some online game just for some semblance of self-worth.

Until i dont even have time to whine online. ha!

I guess this pointlessness is really fear of the future. But what is there to be afraid? maybe because i have no plans except for to ORD. but ord then what?

fear, insecurity. feeding off each other in a vicious circle.

Every time i think, i realise how fail i am. and wallow in self pity. i guess i like certain unhealthy emotions..

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:16 PM|

Saturday, April 20, 2013

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the world is so balanced. what is given something is taken away.

Oh the sins of the world. I feel like I am after the thrill of eating poison. But i do not want to eat poison. So i eat something mildly toxic. Slowly. Bit by bit. The mental battle is so hard. Or is that all i make it out to be. If only i knew what others thought. If only there was perfect information. I might not be alone, or i might. But if i were not to be alone i wonder how do others cope.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:12 AM|

Monday, April 15, 2013

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dum dee dee dum. introspection.

not doing the things i should be doing. and there are plenty of things i should be doing.

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:41 AM|

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

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I guess this is how, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Intentions are one thing, but stupidity causes intentions to be warped from its original direction. And by stupid, i mean not the conventional stupid.

I guess i cant please everyone all the time. there is bound to be problems. bout to have friction. Bound that my viewpoint is corrupted. struggling, struggling. i like attention, concern, care, praise. a little too much. vile within. dont even know if it is a sin. or what not. how confusing.

If only i could intent my way into utopia.

and i keep screwing up. over and over again. I think i am not understanding why. Or i like screwing up. Or i am a risk taker. Or all that bullcrap. This is so tiring. I hate being tired.

[[I wrote this at]]*|8:56 PM|

Sunday, April 7, 2013

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when all that has been said and done,

mooching around. winning sparse small battles. losing some. nothing consequential in the long run. or so it seems. Its a pity i spend so much time on wartune and so much less time for this blog. ohwell.

So many stories in this world. I think every mmo has its unique story. of friendships forged, alliances built, great wars, betrayal, deaths and victories. The sheer amount of time bonds like no other. So many stories. I bet you could fill a novel about stories in neopets. At least 1000 pages. MMOs are like a second life. With probably twice the drama. Complete with different characters and all, a new set of interactions, new social norms. Wow. MMOs could make really good psychology work fields. Even though the set is rather specific.

Escape from the real world only happens when the world is too harsh too dislikable. i guess that is where crazy people like serial killers come from. i always fancy myself a dreamer anyway. hiding in my own world.

Anyway, my job is not bad. Has its unique set of challenges, but i like challenges, especially those that i ask for. Even though i am at somewhat of a loss as to how to overcome them. At least it has some ci ji. I am actually rather thankful for my job. Its kinda good. Kinda what i want my future job to be like actually. Wow going down the less ambitious path i see.

I am thankful that i have some time, at least, to pursue my own interests. Though kickstarting anything that requires effort requires effort. And I guess this is really good exposure to managing people, building connections, office dynamics and all that good stuff. Wo is in a le4 guan1 mood eh.

hais, on the flip-side, i guess in the greater scheme of things, meaning my spiritual life, i havent really grown. I guess i have gotten a couple of refreshing insights. But in terms of doing, i guess the distractions, i havent overcome. Especially when it jousts for my time. How is it so hard to give time to something that i profess to be most important. Unless i am lying. But i did not have the intention to lie. Or maybe im just deceiving myself.

I love so many stuffs. Such that i am unable to choose which to give up. And end up giving up everything, because, because, as i have said countless times, time is finite.

This is where the story ends. I have to face the past and look to the present.

the sun rises, again.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:37 PM|