[[How has been]]

Friday, May 24, 2013

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lets examine this feeling.

ok to be honest, im a little scared of my job. scared that i cant do it properly. like how one is when i go for a test unprepared. I feel like adult life is one whole smoke fest. trying to smoke everyone. everyone knows everyone is smoking. where is the genuine-ness?

Haha. realised that adults do not know anything more. so much smoke. so much 'impressions' and image and projection of confidence and other similar stuff that i kinda label as bullshit. i hate this act.

I guess i behave a little insensitive to others. for the sake of 'survival' i have to change, try to change, but it goes against my principles. I mean, niceties are in essence falsehoods. yes, argue that it is concealing your true emotions and all. deceiving others. it is the thinking pattern. i think it is wrong to 'act'. to each their own but the universal standard will overrule all in the end.

Why does friendship take effort. why does everything take effort. why do results not correspond to effort. why is it not fair! maybe thats why i play computer games. so that i know what will happen after what i do. definite result. and effort does not erode.

and and, im not looking at the important things. blindsighted by the urgent and unimportant. not interested in unstucking.

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:34 PM|

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a story to tell everyone

woo. lots of work lots of responsibility. guess part of growing up. hahaha. at least being busy is better than not benig busy.

not interested in anything. not even stuff that i used to be interested in. maybe withdrawing is fun. where is my attention?

[[I wrote this at]]*|7:41 PM|

Sunday, May 19, 2013

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Was wondering what was warring with my intention of leading a more Christ centered life...

Since primary school when the motto was to never skip a question... Probably one of the more significant events in my life. Formed by a 11 year old me with some other 11 year olds. Ever since, i guess this has been one of my core values in life. Like if i really want something i throw effort at it and more effort and more time until eventually it budges. That is why giving up something is so hard and painful. It feels like very bu gan yuan. But some things, are not meant to be, any more effort will not change anything. There is a time to walk away, it is just, hard. Because the never never never give up opposes this. The 'success might be just round the corner' runs contrary'.

Because of this, probably, effort is worth alot to me. I don't like giving up on something that i have put effort in. Maybe thats why its so hard to quit certain games, perhaps.. The effort and time invested will have been wasted. Even though idk what is the final end state im looking for. Continuity. hoarding obsession. And time. My precious, precious time.

I am a product of today's society (or rather education system). Give me a problem, show me how to solve it and i will solve similar problems, easy. Extrapolate, combine, reshuffle mix and match. As long as there is a precedent that i know and understand, i can replicate. Copy & paste.

Throw me a new unknown situation.scared as shit. worry worry. so many variables. so much that could go wrong. what ifs. possibilities. its funny how possibilities lose their shine. morph from angels to demons, the moment responsibility is tagged to them.

Ive been told im still a boy. Yes, I wanna stay a boy as long as possible. what is so good about being a man? just because it is necessary for 'survival' does not mean it is ideal. screw the ideals of others and of society. how ironic seeing as all i am is influenced by society, even going against society is influenced by it. such huge cultural influence. I wanna stay a kid. Enjoy the last few moments of being a teen as a teen.

Dont want responsibility.. Dont want blame. Dont wanna be in control. Escape escape, run run.

Scared of repercussions. Scared of people judging. Scared of not doing well enough. Scared of myself.

Why people care about what others think is because they do not think highly enough of what they think. Such a sad, Why am i a sad.

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:48 PM|

Saturday, May 18, 2013

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Ä secular world is inherently anti-god. The values inculcated are biased against leading a god-centered life. I strove to find out what is it that i possess/ cling to that is so at odds with living the life i want and discovered it.

We are thought that everything is for us. For ourselves. To get grab, all for the individual. especially this freedom. rambling. sleep.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:21 PM|

Sunday, May 12, 2013

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Intricate but faded, in grey, like the life of it has leaked out.
Grey... Maybe with a shade or two of the original color.

Then a spark exists, but it is far away. A solitary lick of flame. But it is on the other side. Separated by a invisible frosted glass.

There is a shroud around the mind. Wrapping the thoughts. deceiving, like a fog. where thoughts get clouded, the voracity gets eaten away. clarity is lost, muddled, confused. then eh? a sense of deja vu. i used to have a brilliant thought...

the truth. there is only point in the truth is it? there are so many non-truths that to even consider would be very very confusing.

I like the light, even though the darkness is comforting.

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:27 PM|

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

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wow. its amazing that even my online friends say i compare alot. haha. and compete.

Guess it is true. must be due to my upbringing. even though i dont intentionally want to bring others down, i guess i wanna one-up them. wonder how it would be like in a european family, or even perhaps a malay family. they seem so much more carefree and content. not that i am discontent, but i just have the urge to master. MASTERY. to be better and better and better. it does not actually even make sense. i think i suffer from some sort of psychological illness. anyone wanna diagnose? And maybe im even more ambitious by wanting to be not ambitious. if you get it.

Then comes the tangibility. of which i have already written. I guess that is why people can get addicted to computer games and exercise and studies and chess and whatnot. Because there is a rating, a visual cue that you are going somewhere.

I think singaporean society is really too competitive. or maybe just me. hais, i guess this whole be the best thing just wont cut.

[[I wrote this at]]*|1:24 PM|

Monday, May 6, 2013

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dont apologise for im losing what i dont deserve.

Well if you look at it that way that we dont deserve anything...

Everything is just borrowed, nothing is ours. Everything is in a transient state, merely in transit. What god gives what god takes away. nothing taken is a strike to me, nothing given is a boon to me.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:43 AM|

Saturday, May 4, 2013

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hello!

been trying to keep myself the way i wanna keep myself. hopefully it can be better.

Still havent gave up wartune. it is rather ... hais. I feel a little more in control.

Life is weird. I dont like human nature. It is so broken, so wrong. Why are our natural tendencies so warped? Like it is a constant drain. Like neutral is -5. There must be a constant effort to even break even. Just a 0 effort would result in backslide.

I guess this is a result of our fallen nature and sin and all that. How relaxing it would be if neutral is 0. Maybe that is a even more profound curse of sin, other than the physical work needed for survival. Mental/spiritual work is also needed to maintain a healthy inner life. The discipline needed is so tremendous. I really admire those that are really on a personal level, walking really closely to god. Because outward appearances seldom tell us the full picture. OHHH. JUDGING. aiyah. very difficult, very difficult.

Cannot give up the things that are important to me. Because what you say is not what you feel and what you feel is not what you think. And what matters is actually what you do, and that is influenced by what you feel. So I can think and say all i like but i must actually honestly feel it. ALRIGHT.

Army has been busy, lots of problems, and rushing to do stuff. And cabbing around singapore. And all that preparation. I... am trying.

But trying is not enough.

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:47 PM|

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

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So this is where it all begins.

Write later. Going home!

[[I wrote this at]]*|7:34 PM|