[[How has been]]

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

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Heres to not being driven but to be called.

[[I wrote this at]]*|3:47 PM|

Sunday, July 28, 2013

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perhaps being alone is really unsustianable.

Life revolves around camp, game, god (nominally), sleep. not really ideal man. where is my freedom! but what guarantee do i have on myself that if i were to have the freedom i would do something with it? holidays are when students commit the most crime afterall.

Life is really like a game. in my lousy narrow p.o.v of life. its like a mmorpg with an ending. totally free and up for one to decide what one wants to do with it. find a party to complete quests, to make the hours less lonesome. work together. find happiness in each other.

Everytime i leave a party (otherwise known as a group of people), i feel terribly sadded. especially if i think they are really worthy and i like them and suspect they like me. its like a waste of the synergy and experiences shared. and out to forge alone again, maybe with another foreign group. especially if its artificially constructed. ugh. im gonna ord soon. not that looking forward to another change in my life though im looking forward to the freedom.

such a man of inertia i am. dislike change, especially unsolicited change.

Well of course when you choose your party it is for a certain reason. luckily humans cannot be simplified into stats. i dont mean statistics of course, i mean attributes and quantifiable numbered attributes. like intelligence, strength, defence or whatever. each human is infinitely more unique, more of essence than the sum of its characteristics. so you choose a party based on what you wanna achieve. and hope that you can achieve that aim with the party. and most likely the others in the party possess certain traits that engenders the desired outcome. and you probably have to contribute too.

but when your aims change, do you have to forcibly remove yourself from this comfortable group and instead seek another group more aligned? or build another group more aligned? or do you try to sway the group. and create lots of rifts. and earthquakes. and tsunamis. especially tsunamis.

[[I wrote this at]]*|9:35 PM|

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

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feel like im on drugs. or at least alcoholism.

When the urge strikes, wow. its like the next fix, the next drink is all one can think about. all one can live for. it encompasses the mind like how i want god to encompass my mind.

why is it so easy to lose your mind in things one can see, one can touch, one can discern. does not our intentions count for nothing? or maybe, i think, intentions count for everything. my true intentions are probably not as pristine as i would hope it is. and this is terribly terribly saddening. but nah. dont think this train of thought is true. its more on the lines of i need some intervention in the spiritual side.

im so torn at odds man. i wanna slack, i wanna do my best. i wanna play game, i wanna spend time on my guys. i wanna be close to god, i wanna enjoy the pleasures of the world. i wanna study local, i wanna study overseas. i wanna study something familiar, i wanna try something different. i wanna ... ...

ugh. laziness. other than copying things im not really very good at much.

[[I wrote this at]]*|9:00 PM|

Sunday, July 14, 2013

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wow.

It is surprisingly easy to be pissed with someone when you feel they have transgressed against you. Something like take what you think you are entitled to. Especially if you feel it is done unfairly.

Wow. The feeling of so called 'just' anger. Like the world owed us something. Or somebody owed us something. Head gets angry so quickly eh.

Hmmm. Still not living the life i wanna live. Change must be fasterrr.

I think my whole mindset is inherently wrong. I do things for the wrong reasons, even if i somehow manage to justify them to be the right things. I think there is something broken within me.
Realised ive been chasing rarity. Maybe im too rational, go after what is scarce, it should be the most valuable right. at this juncture, im not sure what are my real motives for doing anything, i can't discern myself from myself. not sure whether im self justifying. I can convince myself many things until im confused... what is the truth. or is there even a truth with a matter of intent or is it all just perception or perspectives.

Too selfish too selfish. my whole life has been a joke. gauging myself with worldly standards, i have become with the world, of the world. superficially being different yet the intent is the same as the world. maybe even worse. even more selfish. i dont know is anyone as selfish as me. I think it is really possible i choose to follow Christianity cos its calling is the hardest. maybe the ultimate selfish objective to complete the challenge by not being so self-centered. the irony and conflicting notions make my life decisions so blur. i dont even know what tenets im using. I like challenges indeed.

Then add the blur, the shroud. the escape that is the game.

quit the game quit the game.

Cut all the important things in life just to blur away the inner conflict. like taking drugs man. all these escaping. into books, into games, into fanciful wise-sounding ideas and paradigms.

Add more confusion, uncertainty of university, the usual self-doubts, the angst and loss of freedom to the army. i really dunno if i could do it much better.

Whats this! ofc i can. if only pressing the reset button is that easy. Gonna try anyway.

[[I wrote this at]]*|9:45 PM|

Monday, July 8, 2013

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My reality is different from yours. And im yours.

[[I wrote this at]]*|8:01 PM|

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Hello everibodeh

ive been on course this past week and another 3 days.
Very relaxing. No decisions to make, to people to coerce, no placating, no threatening, no arguing, no getting people to do stuff... Wow! makes me feel like im back at school again. Didn't realise how tiring the job was until you dont have to do it eh.

Really quite awesome. Also helps that SAF doesnt exactly expect you to be intellectually rigorous and hence the course is manageable. Whilst i read my book and, rest.

Been so long since i read book. So much for being free. I like being in another world, with cleverly thought out plans, with an assurance that everything will be fine in the end. I love the makebelieve. I love being a hero without moving a muscle. Funny how in books a 3 days arduous journey gets summarised in 2 minutes whilst a fascinating battle sequence or what not romantic scenes are so detailed. imagine how shag the stupid journey would be lol. And i feel very >< at them romantic scenes. WHY SPOIL AN ADVENTURE BOOK EH. bleah. Anyway apart from the physical contact i think quoting pieces of literature at the person you like is quite cool. Pity i am not a lit student. i like the characters for the characters. i dont really like physical description. my imagination is much nicer. hmmm. so many blondes. wth. ohwell ohwell.

I like the secretive mysterious cold main character. Dont like mains the naruto type. too noisy and thick.

Am i really that hard to understand? I mean, i guess a little bit of effort is needed to keep up with the seemingly random switches but i would think that is fun. Its not? darn. so ive been pissing of everyone ive tried to talk to. Its like a hopeless situation. Maybe only the cdb will understand. Afterall its probably where i learnt it from.

Theres only so much individuals can do. So much 'regular' un-called individuals have the propensity and bandwith to take a lower deal to themselves.. After all are we not all selfish. I realised i dont know how to think for others. Like i dont know. much like i dont know how to not be weird. i guess. Its not taught to me. How do i do a rational guaging of 'others'? it is impossible to weigh and come up with a clearcut - this benefits ' OTHERS ' more in a decision. What constitutes others then. Other people ostensibly. but what, are they weighted? do you give 10% weight to your mom and like 1% weight to some random rude uncle?

Hmm. In other news im still very worried about my choice of uni and possibly scholarship. . . Not nonchalant. but unable to do anything. Wee! put restrictions on myself. Put the word not possible! cant you see? thats the only way to stop trying! why would you wanna keep trying? so tiring.

Just keep justifying to yourself what you want and soon your conscience gets tired.

[[I wrote this at]]*|5:44 PM|