[[How has been]]

Friday, August 30, 2013

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all we know is distance,

so, 30th jloc ended. i guess a small lament is in order. i feel a grieving over something is recognising it as something that had worth, doing it justice. to myself. so yeah, im sad its over. For only frivolous things pass without being noticed.

compared to the 2 weeks es course, it was much better. both were a brief reprieve from the burden of responsibility in the unit, seriously, not as if i dread responsibility and all, but it gets really tiring after awhile. not the right reasons i guess. too selfish reasons still (to be completely honest) (but aernt i always).

This time, it was with peers. Being a leader is lonely. Especially in my case. When you feel you are there to enforce standards, which makes you the enemy.

Ah, but it was refreshing to be with people in the same boat as me. Who can understand but another that is going through the exact same thing? And i think the people were nice. And it was nice being around peers. Like school. I miss school. And doing work together, with people that want to do work. And not being the slave driver, or the enchantress trying to charm something unwilling out.

Ohwell, but its over.

And like every other thing that matters, the stars shine just a little brighter for a moment due to it.

[[I wrote this at]]*|9:34 PM|

Thursday, August 29, 2013

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going to quit, going to quit, end is near, end is near. yet the blade doesnt drop. for now, the poison is not fully expelled. like how the dawn threatens to break but the darkness is still there...

time, time. feeling alot better now. wonder why. people are nice. life is good actually. why am i even whining?

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:15 AM|

Sunday, August 25, 2013

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severe case of monday blues. 1 more week to going back to unit. and responsibility.

Its not that i dont like my guys.. I just find it a little, tiring to babysit people. When i should be the one being a kid. not looking forward. escaping much.

Not that i dont like the challenge, i like it. i am such a contradiction.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:37 PM|

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

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Don't wanna sleep. Cos when you go to sleep, the next day comes. Even when not sleeping means youll be freaking tired the next day.

Think i gotta update my weird program. Its not really sieving that properly. some interesting people are being kept out and annoying people in. hmmm. weird.

Ohwell. i guess it isnt really bad. Fighting a really really intense battle to keep playing my stupid game. Dont really know why this is written in that i am trying to play my game. I guess it is the truth, i am, or rather the stickler part of me that doesnt wanna waste effort refuses to yield. I think conscience and 'god' will win through soon... maybe after august. why 'god' and not god cos im not sure im really doing anything for god or its some selfish excuse so i dont really...

Theres something about people that like writing and words. like seriously i think its the medium of connection. especially when it is put out for others to discover and not shoved down. for nobody can force you to read a book like how you watch an advertisement.

[[I wrote this at]]*|1:12 AM|

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hello all.

lifes been ok, not too shabby, not too outstanding. why be sad when you can be happy?

what am i to work on now, game... what else? university? someone stole my dreams.

Slowly slowly. just keep improving. even when setbacked, backtracked a little, a lot, just keep the head sane, move along move along. like topo. being angry does jack. mistake already done. already horlan. just walk more. complain make yourself feel good but dont complain until other people pissed off.

fantasy fantasy. i wanna live not just survive.

i like the anime perfection. just so awesome. where the trivial matters, the headaches of a real life do not matter.

Note: Supposed to be posted two/three days ago days ago

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:57 AM|

Thursday, August 15, 2013

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of the things i wanted to do..
of the things i could have done..

Of the songs that i could have practiced, the lines i could have memorised.
Of leaves i could have taken, nights i could have spent.
Of sight to could have been seen, food to have been ate.
Of conversations that could have happened, baring the soul that lies beneath.
Of gifts i could have wrapped, relishing the prospect.

The pains that would be shared, trials to overcome.
The trips that would have undertaken, journeys to be cherished.
The dances stored in the future, thoughts to be swapped,exchanged.
The expressions i would see, the ones to be elicit.
Laughter that would have been heard- joy stored for a rainy day.

When i turn into a memory, of what form would i be?

A bolt of lightning, brightening the sky for but a moment?
A country folk song echoing mountains a long long way from home?
A shifting shadow flitting across the dark waters?
A confounded math problem with no clear solution?

Would it akin to the thrill of a rollercoaster, the intensity of chili?
Or the dependable smooth comfort of a blanket, the routine of the day and night?
Or the stamina of a marathon runner, the vibrancy of spring?
Or the smell of dirty sweat, of days lived of no difference?
Or the thoughtfulness of a faded photograph chucked into a drawer but a relic of what was once.

Of what, then, was time spent on?

On reading books, traversing fantasy worlds fighting evil
On virtual platforms, forming friendships, building up characters
On walking around, appreciating the world and nature
On mooching around, mourning what could have been
On finding meaning, not acting on it
On writing stuff like this.

[[I wrote this at]]*|9:35 PM|

Sunday, August 11, 2013

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human thing called emotions are really funny.

I wish i could play all the roles in the world. Each seems so unique and sensible. like its only natural to do such and such under that circumstances. why is time so limiting. Why, does time impose on me that i cannot enjoy both the world and the eternal. Why must i deteriorate... why must i die. Yes, to go to heaven.

Just wish i had something more substantial than a game to devote my time, energies and mind towards. Obviously i have god... but its kinda complicated.

Ugh even as i type i feel like a hypocrite. what a joke. joke of the year.

[[I wrote this at]]*|5:52 PM|

Monday, August 5, 2013

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ugh, im the only one in my course without whatsapp.

Guess my hermit days are numbered. Hais, time to chase the tide again? I always chase it on the way out though... Slow to react to change, especially change that i dont really like. i really am rather queer eh.

Guess i still crave human interaction. Can't live without it. Hais.

Oh my soul~ that it might be pure and powerful in my life.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:11 PM|

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Didn't you wanna hear the sound of all the places we could go~~~~

Wow i guess ive cut down on my game really quite abit. Otherwise it would be quite unsustainable. Too busy to play game.
So, really really thinking about what i should do in uni. When will the pieces of the puzzle fall in place? Ugh. When will i know what is the course of action to take but when i take it?

Seriously, if only i could be in my dream. it must really be quite fun to be god eh.

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:33 AM|