[[How has been]]

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

[[Everyone has their own problems...]]

Oh snap, I just realised, after deleting my EL project due today from my deadline list that I have an essay due in 3 days. Or less. Sigh. I have a pol sci essay due like, 3 days after that. And 2 things to do in the day after that.

But I do not feel like doing work. Sigh. And honestly, I think I have rather little problems when compared to other people.

It is very easy to just be consumed within your own problems. What problems have you that are unique to you? Perhaps we ought be more aware of other people's problems.

Once again this was supposed to be a much better post but I am tired. And I am thinking of other topics. IF you have problems you need help with you can tell me.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:29 PM|

Sunday, October 25, 2015

[[]]

So I seem to have a surprising spike of Russian viewers in the past week or so. Interesting. Hi my, presumably, Russian friends (or perhaps my clansmen living in Russia)? I guess if you find something of use here you are more than welcome to use it. Hopefully it is not bots though, though no reason for bots to come here, no ads or anything lolol.

Anyway... I sorta want to write something about secrets. Y'know, like the kind of thing that you keep deep within your heart and mind without letting it see the light of day. A secret, theres this connotation that a secret is something bad. Perhaps it is not bad bad. Like you killed somebody. But it carries this idea that it is something shameful, or something that perhaps, you think people will disapprove. Something of that sort.

Of course there are things that you prefer not to tell anyone. Like for example how you did some good deed and donated all your wealth. While the same word 'secret' is used, this is really not a 'secret'. While the same hiding of information is there, this secret seems to be, like a secret of virtue? Like it is something that you are proud of and hence, would prefer not to mention it lest your head swells into a watermelon and falls off your shoulders.

I highly doubt there are things that are entirely neutral that you will want to keep hidden for pure preference's sake. I mean, I wouldn't want to keep the fact that I ate chicken rice for lunch hidden for no apparent reason (here I appeal to the principle of sufficient reason, henceforth PSR).

So, point is, should not have secrets. Like previously, I think I used to have secrets? But now I am working on, like, placing the truth as primary (lolol). That is not to say that you should tell the truth at all times blatantly - some degree of wisdom is really needed to determine when a truth is said. The idea is, there shouldn't be things that you keep hidden for the sake of 'hiding' something shameful within you. Ideally, everything should be kept above board and nothing hidden.

For sure, God is the judge of everything, humans are not the judge. But you keep nothing hidden not to 'justify yourself'' in the eyes of other humans. You keep nothing hidden because you have nothing to hide. Even if you have done something shameful or something wrong or something you are not the proudest of, I'd highly encourage you not to keep it as a secret.

This has some parallel to confessing hidden sins. It has both the power to liberate you and to help others.

It is late, and I have to sleep.

[[I wrote this at]]*|1:21 AM|

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

[[]]

So like, was busy, then was happy, then it seems like it is back to business as usual at melancholy.

Sin is a bastard. It seriously just drives a wedge between me and God. Yet this sin is still within me. Innate in this fallen body. I wonder what does Paul do when he sins. I hate sin.

I keep writing about these kinda stuff I sorta forgot what it is like to write dreamily. To write about emotions just as they are, to condense feelings of the night into prose. To pen down hopes for a better future, the aspirations of tomorrow conceived today. To just drone on and on, having the words flow freely, describing the inner state of my heart/mind.

I think I forgot what it is to long for something. I am content, probably. Yet I cannot be content for long.

Whatever happened to dreams and fantasies. Have I become a drone plying his route from class to class? That cannot be! I reject it, flatly. Have I, then, sterilised my mind with reason? Did I chuck away feelings into a private space to be contained and controlled?

Perhaps. Perhaps I did that to feel the right things. Perhaps it was a war to remove the wrong things, I cannot leave a void. A void will be filled by worse things.

But reason tells me I need to feel. Feel something more than just oyster-like contentment (lolol, as opposed to Haydn). For that is how I was created to be, a human.

Justified (by Christ and by reason), I must long and hope for things. Passionately and fervently. This state of nonchalant contentment cannot persist for too long.

In better times, in times when I feel stronger I said I would be attacked by the devil. And boy does the devil attack.

[[I wrote this at]]*|1:28 AM|

Friday, October 16, 2015

[[Factors to get work done]]

To do something, people sometimes say you need money. I think you need time too, that makes time and money. Somewhere previously I mentioned that energy is needed too, energy needs to be rationed and managed. Now let's add a fourth factor, motivation. Maybe we can take out money. I don't really think money is necessary.

So for the other two factors, time and energy, you have a fixed amount. For time, each person has the exact number of hours each day. For energy, the amount of energy a person has each day depends on a multitude of factors such as health, sleeping patterns, eating habits .etc. Yet, the point is, you get a new 'influx' of these two resources each day. This is God-given. If you don't believe in God maybe you can be alright with 'naturally endowed'.

Motivation, on the other hand,.. seems to be obtained in an unpredictable way largely. There are factors that can give much such as last minute panic but it seems to fluctuate greatly. Justsayin.

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:54 AM|

Monday, October 12, 2015

[[]]

So I had quite a few things to do last week.

Most primarily and significantly was this essay for my founders module which is a philosophy module. That was just annoying to no end because I didn't quite know how to do it. I mean, I had an idea, it wasn't a brilliant idea and like, I doubt it would be what the prof is looking for. This was due on friday 1pm. And it gnawed away at the back of my mind throughout the week.

More pressing, however, were several drafts due in the first two days as well as midterms on tuesdays. The skies cleared midweek and we could play frisbee outside of the mph once again and so, we did.

I think the idea of putting in unmovable 'big stones' into timeslots is rather useful. For one, it shows what you really prioritise. Like maybe, attending lessons, CCA/whatever not, or maybe even sleep. You then work within the constraints. Plan within the constraints (and possibly fail within the constraints, because, well, no choice. Such constraints are unmovable.) All things that are not negotiable are movable and/or deletable though, to make way for more pressing things such as deadlines.

And then, I was thinking like, should I actually set a day aside to observe the Sabbath because obviously I haven't been doing so and, like, it was brought up during GFC by Sonja. Actually, as she was sharing I sorta didn't really think much of it. Conversations with others made me ponder it more.

In line with the idea above, the things that people can axe easily are clearly not very important. I am reminded of Eric Liddell's decision to not compete in the Olympic heats for his best event because it was held on the Sabbath. I mean, clearly he took the Sabbath very seriously. Then I look at myself, playing candy crush, only nominally listening to yesterday's sermon. Shame indeed. I also note that I skipped church a few Sundays ago because of tembusu house games. What is tembusu house games compared with the Olympics and a really decent chance to win the gold medal.

Obviously I am comparing with what many people would deem to be a saint. But obviously you ought to compare yourself with the people you seek to be like right. And then again, obviously one should not do things such as this for human approval. Like to be known as a pious. That would just be disgusting and clearly un-pious. So I guess before further action has can be taken, the heart should be convicted of this need to observe and all that.

Each time I think I am making progress I am reminded at how sorely lacking I am. And that the progress is made by God's grace. Way too easy to want to claim credit.

[[I wrote this at]]*|6:17 PM|

Sunday, October 11, 2015

[[]]

So, last week was a really hectic week.
And I finally thought I had some time to do some good old-fashioned reflection but my eyelids are drooping. I ought to have prepared for tutorial tomorrow too. Too late I guess. Wasted too much time, or rather, relaxed too much?
Lol. Till tomorrow. Hopefully something more substantial.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:15 PM|

Thursday, October 1, 2015

[[]]

Yknow, in the day after I posted the previous post on living a life for self and not God, I am reminded (or humbled) in 3 obvious ways about how far I am from it. Like, yeah, guess it is a good reminder. This doesn't detract from the wonderful adventure following Christ though, it is an adventure after all, not a completed journey. Will only be completed after death.

So the first way was a reminder about grades. I like to say that grades don't matter... if you have good grades. But yeah, I didn't get the best of grades and I was annoyed. This shows that clearly some part of my identity is still stuck in grades.

The second way was a reminder about other people's perceptions of me. So I heard something about what other people thought about me and I think it did affect me more than I wanted it to. Identity in Christ, not in what other people think of me. Anyway, this is not an excuse to be obnoxious, identity in Christ does not allow obnoxiousness.

The third way was a reminder about skills. Like I was quite annoyed when I wasn't performing up to standard. Same reasoning.

Lastly, my laptop spoilt yesterday and amazingly recovered today (hence the possibility of this post). I was annoyed with that too. Tried to make peace with my being uneasy. Asking God to take away problems rarely happens. Seems like he gives peace in spite of problems. So you can have external issues but no internal turmoil.

and 8i5ts sp9o8il5t aga8in... 8i s3e3em 5t9o hav3e n9o5t p9os5t3ed 8i5t y5td. s9om3eh9ow

[[I wrote this at]]*|3:16 PM|