[[How has been]]

Sunday, March 26, 2017

[[The places and their significance. A 23 year old recollects his past?]]

Time, it erodes stuff. It changes people and places. But some memories stick to some places, after they have long ceased to fulfil that role. I do have many such places. It is rather interesting, when I pass them, that it links to that which it was, and not just that which it was, that which I remember it so.
In an effort to remember, perhaps, less to remember, more to share the fleeting.
Lets limit it to school/school related as well.
Pre-primary school
There is my kindergarten (and before that, my kiddy abc), where I remember mostly, my grandfather waiting for me. It has been renovated and refurbished but it still exists. There is the void deck where I learnt how to cycle and played some variation of football with the thing used to collect junk mail. It is more or less the same. There is the basketball court where we did... stuff. It is the same, just much older. There is the mama shop opposite my grandmother's house, which I associate with eating cheap good food (though now I realise it is all junk food and candy). It still stands? Last I checked, people are much older, I talk to them every now and then.
Primary school
There is my primary 1 school building, my first proper school, I seem to recall a second floor classroom and a blackboard. I recall running across the field during recess, to the pull up bars and stuff. Seemed to take forever (like 1/3 my recess time), but the field isnt that big actually. Recall a bookshop that sold 10 cent erasers in boxes of 20. 2 dollars was a lot of money then. I could never afford the whole box. Recall having assembly under a small sheltered corridor, no parade square, no hall when it rained. The entire school is gone now, the field is barren, I don't think the pull up bars remain. I recall areas around my primary school, where I used to catch spiders with my friends, and, uh, millipedes. Millipedes in stapler boxes, small spiders in stapler boxes, large spiders in random plastic boxes. I do believe these places still exist, perhaps the insect population would have decreased, I would think. these millipedes, the black and yellow ones that blossom in new built-up areas would have mostly died off by now. I remember my desk, with a sort of long half-cylindrical indent at the end, we used it for mealworm races. I remember the parade square, where we spent every before school, recess, and after school playing football, and random corridors too. Surrounding the square is quite different, the last time I saw it, but the square should still be the same. I remember the fitness corner where we mostly played crocodile on the sit up benches. I can't see it from outside, I hope it is still there, though I doubt it. The field has been taken up by several buildings. Im not sure what they are for. I remember some blocks behind would be Joshua's old house. I last met Joshua ~2-3 years ago, totally different peoples we are now. I remember he had a dog (one of the first dogs I saw, like interacted with) (also one of the first friend's houses I've been in). I remember a canteen with (now really tiny) red and yellow tables and benches. I recall 60 cents noodles (which is like, hardly a meal for now me) and the sushi stall run by one of my friend's parents. I cant recall his name. some chinese name, he was in green house. Cant really recall his face either. I recall a first-floor house, across a road, where we bought ice-sticks for 20 cents, and an ice-cream motorcycle that would sometimes park outside my school. If we had enough money we would buy them. My friends and I (and my sister) would sorta space out across the traffic light, and watch for bus 325. If it came we would activated the person furthest away and all run back to board the bus. I recall an earlier school bus, and some uh, bullying that went on in it. Fortunately I wasn't the victim. I recall some faint recollection of wushu practice in the school hall. Unfortunately, I wasn't good at it (comparatively). Looking back, I'm pretty sure it was because I was weak. Like physically weak. I recall these 2 girls that I admired then, from wushu. I didn't say anything, didn't do anything. I have them on facebook, but we never ever interact. I hope they are well. I recall a void deck, timothy's block, that we played football, usually with aloysius's tennis ball or a bottle. Until my sister got annoyed cos she had to wait for me. And a mama shop that we patronised regularly. The mama shop is gone now. The bus route of 325 has also changed, such that in the later years we didn't have to alight and walk to change bus. What other places do I recall? I recall my p5 classroom that had a red wall because my form teacher's husband painted it. He painted it really quickly, I recall, we were really slow painters. I last saw my form teacher quite a few years ago (~6?) after she had a fight with cancer. I hope she is well too. I recall istar's house too. Though Im not sure whether that is the original recollection or those that came after. I have a faint recollection of serimbun camp. Mostly of a chocolate lake that was really a really muddy pond and the interior of a hut. I recall crying in a toilet in a hotel in beijing cos my friend bought a chess set for 20 yuan less than me (cos i was a noob at bargaining). I recall calligraphy classes and honey chrysanthemum tea at hougang cc. I recall a dance studio there too. I attended a singular ballet class, my sis's.
Secondary school
Lots more stuff here, so lets keep it more to places. I recall the football court behind where we played football every day. I was probably slightly below average within the group that played (even though I thought I was above average generally speaking), my class had many talented football players. Was fun. I recall uh, climbing up some wall to get back to class. I recall the staircase too, where I first saw some of my juniors sniffing glue. What was that? I thought that only happened in movies. I recall the fitness corner beside the football court. For some reason, the memory I associate with it is some sort of a homemade? sex video that some sec 5 dude showed some of my friends there. I was there, I didn't see it. But there I realised, these things happen?? to people around me?? I guess I was really quite sheltered. I recall the coffeeshops outside, where many a conversations were had. I recall several bus stops where dums and I would walk to to go home (and some times, to stalk other people, girls). I recall a chicken rice stall that sells 2 dollar chicken rice en route to my grandmother's hosue. Is it still there? No idea, doubt it. I recall lots of NCC stuff, bad stuff, don't really wanna think about it. Not places anyway. I recall the NCC room where randolph had a fit though. I recall his house too. I believe he no longer stays there, the table and chairs in front of it are gone too. I recall classrooms, and a detention corner. And I recall the underneath of my desk, where I left 1 piece of my art exam that I was supposed to submit and had one of the biggest frights of my life. Lmao. Forgetting to submit 1 out of 9 pieces because I left it under the table for ART??? I could care less now, but then I was really worried. I recall my seating arrangement too, sorta. I recall a girl sitting behind me, that I was really impressed with when she scored better than me for a math test. I recall sometimes waiting for her to leave school too, and going to an out-of-the-way bus stop with several others. lololol. It is funny what sticks eh, girls, things that im afraid, things that are new, novel, things that happen often, perhaps it is the emotion that sticks and it colors the memory. I also remember a void deck where I watched sean burn papers. Like, I guess it was cool? I also recall a playground, where a group of my friends antagonised a malay family. Almost got into a fight. I recalled thinking that was not right, not cool. I sorta stopped hanging out/ was less welcome with them after that. Possibly a turning point in my life. I recall buying bao and playing bridge in class. With, uh, several people. I recall in particular, a certain smartass bidding and calling herself to look cool. Yeah it was pretty cool, especially if you make it. I recall a particular shop in hougang mall too, that sparked an issue with a certain bag and a certain gift for someone. Was quite dramatic on hindsight. I recall the area around jiayun's house too. Where we would spend much time walking around and talking. I guess she still lives there. We do alot less talking though, none actually. Sometimes I cant remember when something happened, before graduation or after. I guess, maybe after? I recall being one of the fastest at running around school (not anywhere near the fastest for sure, just one of), in primary school too. Felt good to be good at something. I recall learning dota from sean tan and kuan yu too. At some com lab, where you could just stick a hardrive in. Also, you could just drag it into the desktop and it would be hidden from all unless logged into your school account. I also recall a lan shop in hougang green, the first lan shop that i ever went to, and one in hougang plaza. The one in hougang green should still be there, the one in plaza has been closed long before the plaza itself is knocked down. I recall some stuff in beijing too. Like climbing the great wall with some people. I recall singing some really awesome song with lester bryan and some random small kid (sec 1 or 2) about stop and stare lester wearing paper underwear in a bunk somewhere in beijing. I do recall my chinese buddy anxingbai's house too, big with a ping pong table in the basement, a punching bag and stuff. No idea hows he doing now, last contact was like 5 years ago? This blog has a link to his qq blog (long dead) actually. I recall a particular route to chinese class with banana too actually (though how i remember this is probably because I told this story at her 21st birthday? like a recollection of a recollection of a thing). Where we would try our best to be late and usually succeed. I recall darren's house and the area around it, bryan's house where i had tennis lessons. I recall the mavis tution center too. Hmmmmmm. And recall killing lots of red ants after tuition with dums. And singing badly on the LRT with dums too, and occasionally some other people. I see dums once in awhile, he is leading his own life, so am I. (darren is dums btw, for my, uhm, newer readers). I RECALL TOO, 没有了星星的第一百天. LOLOLOL. WHERE IS DUMS. I wonder will he see this. I doubt it. I recall lots of other stuff too, like ooblong suicide or smth. And decoys and stuff. I seem to recall my pants being held together by a safety pin procured from randolph's house for my o level english exam or smth like that too. And I recall that the O level history invigilator, incredibly, gave us about 5 extra minutes to write. Which was like, insane, because I realised 5 minutes near the end that I mis-read a question. So I spent that time modifying every word. I misread international as internal (or vice versa), I sorta saw that my essay could just change all words international to internal and it would somewhat make sense (though it wouldn't be brilliant). Insane man. I wonder what the marker thought when reading and seeing every instance of international being cancelled out and replaced with internal. Think I somewhat recall my dad slapping me at a... coffeeshop near the hawker center? All these are gone now though. I ran away in anger, realised I had no where to go and then came back after a few hours. lol. Think that was the first and only time someone slapped me. After I posted I immediately realised I missed out chinese Chess and hence, rushed back to edit. I rmb tsh's house. I rmb several competition venues. I rmb playing with a sorta weird clique of sorts in the canteen.

I guess my blog starts off somewhere in between the secondary school years and like, if you read it, I sound really inane and retarded, but that was me man. Concerned about many things that I am not concerned about now. Still... This blog is actually pretty sick. Like, if I detailed things down better it would be even better. I guess it really gave a good snapshot of what I thought was worthy to be written and shown though. I guess people remember what is significant to them eh...

As you can see, too, most of these memories are concentrated around the hougang area. Which was kinda where I lived from 0-16, before I left for some school in Bishan and like, people that didn't speak chinese at home, and like, Christians. It is amazing honestly, so many class markers, social markers that my younger self missed as i think back. Perhaps this obvliousness is why children are so much less judgey, less preconceived notions yet more honest.

I guess why am I writing this down is because I wonder will I remember this time in Durham. My room, perhaps some friends room, perhaps the route to class. Perhaps the route to train station. Perhaps where my friend pissed in the bushes. Feels like there isn't enough oomph to sorta remember it. Maybe the emotions are not strong enough. Maybe there is no reason to. Maybe the emotions are strong enough. If I just keep replaying them in my head, I'll surely remember. But do I want to remember. Will i remember if i return 20 years later with wife and kids? lololol.

Now I wonder what does my cousin, who is p4 now, remembers or will remember.

Lastly, I would like to know lol, if anyone read through the post and has any comments. Pm me or smth. Im sure it would evoke something in you too if you have had a somewhat similar life.

[[I wrote this at]]*|8:50 AM|

Saturday, March 25, 2017

[[]]

Why do i get reminders that I am special??? lololol.

[[I wrote this at]]*|7:27 AM|

Thursday, March 16, 2017

[[Would you cane your child?]]

Anyway, I think I lost a total of 30m in 2 days of poker. Sigh. Enough poker for the foreseeable future.

Back to good old blog writing. Since I am free kinda dont wanna work, dont really have anything else better to do cos... no friends. Rofl.

It is actually kinda a cycle that repeats itself. I find something that I like, am reasonably good at. Play for awhile. Kinda fail somewhere allows me to quit it. Then I find something else to amuse myself. I like to think that these things that I amuse myself with are not stupid, like, comon. Poker is an actual skill. What other games have I done this thing before. Darkthrone and Wartune bring themselves to mind. Dota... Sorta. But then I suck at Dota. So...

I wish I had something that satisfies rather than merely amuses. ok ok ok. I know, I know, God satisfies. And there are other things that satisfy too. Not fully, but pretty satisfactorily. Like relationships. Maybe learning something. What else? Taking care of your body?

I wish I can feel God's satisfaction much more acutely. I wish I could like, read my bible for fun. Like when Im bored, just read the bible. Pray. Whatnot. Honestly, sounds a little like, deluded. Like really buying in to the whole God thing eh. But of course I am buying in. Otherwise say I'm Christian for what? Live life like a Christian for what?

Anyway, had this mini discussion on whether it is right to like, cane/smack your child. I think the main point is that there has to be deterrence, a punishment, a stick. No amount of carrot and well intentioned 苦口婆心 nagging can discipline a child. Because rewarding is just half of the equation. It is like just controlling supply while your child controls the demand. And he (or she) will manipulate the demand in order to get what he wants.

Let us just take the isolated case that your child steals 1 dollar from you. You say, if you don't steal, I'll increase your pocket money by 1 dollar. Sure, that might stop him from stealing 1 dollar from you each week. But what if he steals 5 dollars next? Are you gonna up it? Do you have the whole world to give to him when he asks for the whole world?

Sigh, a pretty lame example, but I guess it shows the limits of just doing one side. I do think spoilt children have responsibility for themselves. Their parents also have responsibility. After all, they should have known better.

[[I wrote this at]]*|1:27 AM|

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

[[]]

Siiiiigh, why do i seem to want people?

Hmm. Ive been wondering, yknow, in exchange, i wanted to keep a few people from exchange. Hopefully a few non-Singaporeans. Sometimes I think I tend to rationalise too much my relationships and try to quantify them too much maybe. Maybe it just is, there is no gauge and no indicator.

Sometimes I am struck with how much do I think about myself. The world revolves around me. Like what I want, what I am scared of, what hopes and dreams. But the world doesn't revolve around me. Even though I am the only one that can articulate these things about myself doesn't mean that I need to consider these. Some self-awareness is important, vital even. But it is not the most key in the greater scheme of things.

I miss some sort of connection. I am, connection starved. Sorta. Or maybe I am starving myself. Think it would be best to mostly feed the need for connection with the primary connection to God instead of with people, which, while important, should be like a. yknow, like a tributary. But why does my connection to God feel like, not as nourishing and fulfilling as i think it should look like?

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:13 AM|