[[How has been]]

Thursday, August 31, 2017

[[]]

I have come to notice, that I am rather pushy on some people regarding certain things.

And these are things I deem important (actually mostly Christianity based), on people I deem important enough. So in the sense of 对得起自己, there is no issue there. I think I did what is most accountable to myself, by taking the harder step and pushing them abit more towards what I think is better.

In the sense of 对得起神, also seems alright. Afterall, I am hoping to push them towards God. I do hope is pleased with what I attempt to do. Of course, some of it might have some built in selfish motive such as because I want company, because I want such and such. And that might displease God. But on the whole... I'd like to think it is not something God would disapprove ba...

Perhaps I need to include a other person element. For perhaps it is not their time. Perhaps I am unwisely prodding them towards something that they are not ready for. Hmm. I (used to, and maybe still do) think that I just prod towards something good, whether they want or not is their choice right (as long as my methods are not sinister or whatever). But hmmmmm... Is there a better way?

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:40 AM|

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

[[Humans]]

Humans are like windshield wipers. When the rains come, they react to push the water to the side. When the rain gets heavier, they wipe faster, reacting to the situation at hand. I wonder do windshield wipers get tired? Do they feel it is futile? For in the split second after they wipe, the windscreen gets splattered by new droplets. By new heavy droplets and the speed by which the car is hurtling forward through space and time. Do windshield wipers ever wish to stay at rest, until the storm is over, to wipe once and make it clear? Perhaps that would be more efficient? At the cost of the car crashing, probably. For the split seconds are that which make all the difference. Like gasps of air from a person drowning. One day the storm will pass. Then you can rest. Or you know, you can crash and have your rest.

I dislike the new youtube algorithms. It makes navigating youtube a chore. Why do they recommend me every related thing to which I watch. So it is either a shitload of poker videos, a shitload of he is we videos, some random musical videos .etc. What happened to new and interesting recommendations? It actually reminds me of my grandmother. I detested all vegetables when I was younger, but I could eat carrots. She would spam me with carrots. And pig liver because I could eat it. Too much of something, even if you are initially ok with it becomes burdensome. At least my grandmother cares for me and is not trying to monetise me (but adblock lol).

Perhaps this is why humans dont like that which is available, and that which is freely presented to them. No challenge, too boring, becomes a chore. But instead, the person seeks new thrills. New excitements. This befuddles the giver, for wasnt this what the person likes? Of course maturity plays a part.

Think ive been uh, a running away from God relational-ly despite the massive amount of time and energy spent in CF. Hypocrite, it seems. But are we all hypocrites to some degree? Not that it makes things right. Anyway, God is calling me back. I shall be a good child and return.

[[I wrote this at]]*|1:06 AM|

Monday, August 21, 2017

[[ah!]]

And viola!

I have realised, I have been entertaining myself with the little things. Busying myself with little angsts. Distracting myself with trivial pursuits.

As if as the world outside is totally fine. As if as there is no war raging outside. War for the souls of men. War against injustice, against oppression. War against the sins that poison the church.

Man, how I wish I were in heaven (or new creation, I kinda use them interchangeably). And I can, justly, entertain myself with these trivial pursuits. Whats it like to do 5 somersaults in a row, I might wonder. In new creation, I could go pursue that easily, spend 300 years doing squats to get a sick vert then figure out how does it feel like to do it. If I fancied meeting somebody and spending 2 billion years with them I would do it and have infinite time left over. And all these being the trivial pursuits in the background of knowing God. Hmm, perhaps these pursuits might have meaning then and wont be trivial then.

Maaaaaaan. I don't really wanna fight these wars. Even if I am fighting these wars, I wanna just, yknow, be mildly involved. Frontline battle is so tiring.

But indeed, I have been distracted long enough. Perhaps time to go back and spend a while in front, doing some fighting instead of amusing myself. And these shits, robbing my prayer of power, robbing my time in prayer, robbing all sorts of good stuff. Ugh, really can't serve two masters man.

~~See this is why, you should have met me earlier. I think to some degree I know, but yknow...~~

[[I wrote this at]]*|1:54 AM|

Monday, August 14, 2017

[[]]

So, I have been in EARC 2017 for the past week or so. I am going to type down some preliminary thoughts regarding what has been taught in EARC.

As much as I originally wanted to just critique a particular talk or a series of talk, I think it would not do the entire conference justice. For that would be like critiquing a particular book in the bible. Yes, that can be done, but perhaps a holistic overview would better encompass the thrust of the direction that I think IFES is prodding this region towards.

So the Bible exposition was done on Jeremiah and it consisted of 4 sessions. Let me jump straight into it.

Yknow what, let me not do a breakdown into what was taught, and explain what has been explained to me in detail. Briefly speaking, I think the theme of the camp was quite well explicated. The theme was "hostile times, prophetic pilgrims". This reflects how IFES and the FES movements in east asia see the region today. They see it as a place increasing hostile to Christianity and Christians in general. I recall someone making a joke about how a pessimistic person would say something like "very hostile meh? when was it ever not hostile?" and actually I didn't find that joke very funny, because I think it is true. The world has never been unhostile to true Christianity, and it never will be. After all, that is what the Bible promises. Ok, but I think EARC wasn't talking about that in particular, but the fact that governments and situations within east asia are starting to become more hostile in general.

While this might not be felt much in Singapore - we still have quite alot of religious freedom, relatively low corruption and, like no natural disasters - I think the rest of the region feels it quite acutely, from government crackdowns in countries north of thailand to rising political islam in malaysia and indonesia, all these pose very real threats and/or opportunities (my word/view) for student movements in east asia. Of course in Singapore the environment is not without hostility, the threats we face as Christians are very real, but they come, perhaps, more from within. That it becomes too comfortable to be a Christian, a half-Christian (what I sometimes term a non-Christian). A rot-from-within kinda threat that is as deadly as any persecution for the true Christian faith. For persecution purifies those who call themselves Christian, for nobody wants to suffer for something they do not believe in, or they think is a lie. But in terms of suffering for Christ, I would say that Singapore Christians have it really good.

EARC's response to this is that we as Christian student movements have to be prophetic. More specifically, to be a prophetic voice in our environments, which is on campus and in society presumably. Here, it is important to note that prophetic is not the same as prophecy. Prophetic is speaking the word of God, it does not have any future prediction implications. I think it is safe to say that we are all called to be prophetic (in this sense) though, perhaps some might dispute the use of this word. Especially if, then, you call prophets the people who speak the prophetic word (in this sense). I might be among the some. Anyway, to speak the word of God is the point, and to do it courageously, even if it may cost us. I agree that this is very important, especially in today's context where what is right or what God thinks is right is under threat (we should inform and proclaim, not impose on non-believers, though). In the "bible exposition" sessions, Jeremiah the prophet offers a parallel where he asks the people to repent and turn to God, foretelling Israel's coming destruction since they did not repent. If this were it, it would be rather straightforward, we are asked to spread the gospel to the peoples, asking them to repent and turn to Jesus, God's masterplan, God made flesh. And we already have a prophecy that those who do not will face destruction. Yet, to me, this was not really the emphasis (though, I think, it was present).

What I felt was the main emphasis was a more social thrust. And this was, in one talk, laid out by drawing a parallel from Israel's socio-economic oppression of the poor. The speaker mentioned that idolatry and socio-economic injustice go hand in hand (I think). And, yeah, possibly true for Israel since Israel was a nation under God and God gave Israel rules and commands such as the jubilee year to ensure that everyone will have land. But what implications does that have for us today? We are not under a theocracy, we live in a secular state. And I don't think you can find a strong argument in the Bible that we should create a theocracy as Christians. And I don't think you can succeed. And I don't think the theocracies of the past have been shining examples. So, NT onwards, I don't think there is a call to implement Christian "control" through political / militaristic means. Let me qualify this by saying that I don't mean we don't exert influence through political means such as voting or protesting or whatnot, but not a top-down type of "control". So it is a little hard to emulate the oft-quoted Jeremiah 22:16 directly which says "He judged the cause of the poor and needy; then it was well. Is not this to know me? declares the LORD." Well yes that is what it means to know God, but we are not a King of a nation under God.

There was also a part on lament, one of the plenary sessions. Well and good. I personally like to whine, and part of that is lamenting (and part of that is something undesirable). I personally thought the whole emotional music thing ran a risk of being emotionalism. And also, didn't really agree with the song choice of "you raise me up". I raised both these points in a talk we had with the speaker who ran this. To emotionalism the answer was that some people connect on a more emotional level and, it is needed/desirable for the purpose of helping these people open up to God (I paraphrase) and lamenting the brokenness in their lives/society. I think it was alright, reasonable, even though I personally do not prefer, I think experiences in VCF has taught me that people relate to God in very different manners and just because I am not used to one doesn't mean that it is "less right". Of course it can have less biblical support... but is that necessarily the same thing as right? Just a thought. To the point about the song choice, she appealed to some sort of artistic/literary freedom and that if sung to God, with the right heart, what is wrong? Well, I guess with the right heart, almost nothing is wrong (I mean, you can sing happy birthday to Jesus on Christmas with the right heart and though you'd be probably objectively wrong, there is nothing normatively wrong, I think, in the eyes of God). For God looks at the heart anyway. The danger, however, is that the words of the song might convey a potential misleading picture of God, even through whatever literary device. This is especially as the song was written to mourn the death of an earthly parent (the speaker gave a caveat that sing to God, disregarding whatever the song was originally written for when conducting the session). Let me not enter the debate on song choice. Oh, perhaps one more thing, there was a line in one of the oft-repeated songs that goes "Christ under my feet" which I found funny or queer. When I raised it up, an IFES staff said she doesn't sing that line. And... I guess, well, this shows that there is diversity even within the staff and, like, I think that is really positive. For these minor disagreements can be worked around and we can work together for Christ without needing to fully agree on anything (or rather, we agree that working together in Christ, for Christ is more important than these disagreements. *hahahaha*)

So, back to the meat of the conference. Much was being said about "justice", and that as Christians, we hunger for and seek justice. So, in a talk with the main speaker, he mentioned that (also paraphrased cos I cannot remember original wording) he was pushing this justice agenda more strongly as a reaction towards certain evangelical circles that, perhaps, care very little about justice and think that the Christian life is all about reading the bible, understanding theology and "saving souls" through telling them the gospel. The challenge was for people to live out the gospel in addition to doing all these. I guess Jeremiah 22:16 is reasonably applicable though not directly here, for to just read bible, understand theology and not care for justice is to not know God perhaps what Packer might term as knowing about God and not knowing God. In the spirit of reacting against things, which is inevitable, given that we all come from certain backgrounds and there is no "view from nowhere" (I don't mean to disagree with Nagel here, I am just saying that for most practical means and purposes, nobody takes a view from nowhere), I reacted against this pushing for justice, fearing that it might take the political means that I mentioned in the earlier paragraphs. Yet I do not fundamentally disagree with justice. I agree with his characterisation that my concern is much more of "how justice?", which assumes the imperative of "do justice" when he is trying to make a case of "why justice?". Of course justice is important. Our God is a just God. And we as followers of him, ought to be just. So the Christian has to be just in all his dealings and as a community too. It is just (lol) that, I fear, it might wade into the political side because that is what people usually think of when one thinks of justice. IMPOSING justice is not ours to do. God is the one that will do it, when Jesus comes again. I feel the general sense of the Bible is that Christians may seek justice and indeed, should seek justice, but they will not find it in anywhere near satisfying a form before Jesus comes again. Indeed, the beatitudes does suggest a future "satisfaction" of justice rather than being achieved through our hungering and acting. I think my stance on this is a fine line, and if anyone is interested in a discussion on this, feel free to talk to me.

So how might we seek "justice"? Defend the cause of the needy at great personal sacrifice seems like a pretty decent answer to me. To this end, there was a hypothetical scenario that I posed: imagine there is a poor lady that is being exploited by her employer. I would think that to seek justice would be to help her, give from what I have .etc. rather than lobby at the government to make sure the government gives her what it has or the employer gives her what it has. This is because, I somewhat "leave" the justice to God - the employer and government will be judged by God in the end, and I give from what God has given to me. The speaker said "why not both?". And indeed, why not both? For has not God given me a voice and a position in society such that it is a resource I have within the democratic (lol) system of my country (even if not democratic, it is also a resource). Is that not a resource I should use too? And I think, when he speaks, he is a Palestinian Christian, a minority, a voice that is easily ignored. Yet when I think of using a voice, I think of what the American Christians are doing, (perhaps Singaporean Christians?) using their political leverage against gays, against abortion in a very confrontational, assertive way that suggests that the political instrument is the means to enforce a particular conception of justice. And while I think homosexual sex and abortion is a sin, it is not the government's job to criminalise all sins. If you want to be consistent, why not demand criminalisation for adultery, pre-marital sex, lying .etc. Of course there is much more to be said here, both on the people pushing for political action using Christianity as a banner and their opponents. This also goes very much against my, I think, biblical idea of Christianity as being weak, weak in a worldly sense. That in our weakness we have our strength, for it is not in us, but in God. For we cry out, and God delivers. Not we deliver ourselves, it is a constant theme throughout the Bible. Which is why we are fools to the world. But haha, jokes on them, the wisdom of the world is foolish to God. Digression aside, "why not both?". Seems to me that both can be done, and in a way that is wise and loving. There is no sorta guidelines that says in this situation you can use political action, in this situation you cannot.

As a last point, there was also a minor point about justice is not charity. And Christians like to do charity because it makes them feel good, feel like they did something. Of course, this does not mean sacrificial charity is in any sense undesirable, I think it is most desirable, perhaps, even more so than (and I might be entering really really contentious grounds here) justice. The train of reasoning here is that God, being just, performed an act of sacrificial charity i.e grace, out of love and hence it transcends even justice though it does not replace. Justice is still present and very much needed. It is tempting to reduce this whole talk of justice into "help the poor and oppressed", and indeed "help the poor and oppressed" has solid scriptural grounds, both NT and OT. Yet is this help purely charity or does it also include some elements of justice seeking on behalf of the poor, perhaps some challenge to systemic injustices? Or perhaps charity in the form of seeking justice? The idea of justice is not charity, I think, is a criticism of Christians who just donate some money or do some volunteer work here and there and think their "obligation" is done. IT IS NOT. It is a whole life that God demands (lol tangential point).

Last last minor point: God doesn't demand anything of non-Christians other than they repent and turn to him, so no imposition of justice on the grounds of Christianity .etc. God does demand much of Christians though, of course, in return we get exceedingly more. But this call to justice is not to bash non-christians, but to chastise people who call themselves Christians but do not live in a way that they ought.

Interesting snippet: I thought I heard a speaker potentially dismissing literal hell but I think a charitable (and probably accurate) understanding of what he said is that hell as described in the Bible exceeds the limits of human vocabulary to describe and so, it has metaphorical elements.

[[I wrote this at]]*|2:25 AM|

[[New school term]]

Im so stressed! Not in the sense of close to breakdown kinda stress. But in the nervous energy kinda stress. Its practically crackling. And I feel so fidgety. I guess I usually am rather fidgety, but im exceedingly fidgety lol.
Today marks the end of my 1 year of exchange. I guess I thank God for all that has happened. It was really a great year. Perhaps a few blips along the way, but overall it was a tremendous experience. I am especially thankful for all the people I have met and have shared these few moments with me. I am, rather sad, that this chapter ends. I wish we could have more time. I wish we could be close, into the future. Yet, this, despite hoping, is probably more wishful thinking that anything.
Nonetheless, if the old does not pass, the new cannot come. This year is so exciting. There is much to be done. It has so much potential. So much more. It is perhaps my last year without toiling for my own keep, not something that I look forward to. It is also, the year where perhaps I can exercise the most academic freedom in my thesis and perhaps my other mods. It is what I have studied, all these years for (not that many la, just 3). Yet, I wonder whether I will make full use of the opportunity presented in this field, to harness my resources and build something I will be proud of. Hmm. Sounds abit wrong, maybe God will be proud of? Hmmmmm. Perhaps there is some pride there.
Apart from academics, I think the VCF stuff is really intimidating and scary too. I think if I do my role well, I am able to help many and that would really be my wish fulfilled, the whole reason why I joined VCF in the first place (other than to grow as well). Yet, I am abit afraid. I mean, I do think I have what it takes, God willing, and by God's help. I just fear my own weaknesses might come in the way. And that would be a very tragic failure indeed.
Hmmm. Also much to learn! In all areas. Which i could have more free time to read. I don't have much free time left after playing poker and doing lots of random misc stuff. Such as writing this thing. Yet these msic stuffs are important too.

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:28 AM|

Saturday, August 12, 2017

[[On personal thoughts about what I've been doing in relationships and love and the like]]

So, it has come to my attention, that some other Christians take this whole searching for a partner thing rather seriously. Actually, I already knew that. But I kinda choose to not really care. Or rather, I choose to think that was kinda... hmmm... like not that important.

Likeeeeeee. People really pray and all about whether this person is the right person to chase. Whether it is God's will .etc .etc. Pray and uh, meditate and uh, look for signs and the like? And then after that pray as to whether accept/reject or pray as to whether to tell the person. Pray as to whether will stumble the person, other people .etc. Like, exceeding amount of thought and, uh, guidance, put into this topic. And while this was triggered by a recent conversation, I realise I have been turning a blind eye to these things or actually ignoring them and they have been happening around me.

And as my friend group has been expanding in the Christian area and somewhat facing certain challenges (though we shall overcome!) in the non-Christian area, I only expect to see more of this, I think.

But seriously, I never really pray that much about these things. Ummm... Partially is because of the people I tend to like. Much of my prayer is on people coming to know Christ, and I try to cover as many people as possible, even trying to gender balance and all, and not let my favorites take up too much of my attention though they inevitably do. Like this is so interesting. This area that, perhaps, is expected of me??? But I kinda never do it. And perhaps this is why it seems I am less serious??? Though I think I am serious. I dunno man.

I think this is driven by certain attitudes (though idk how much of this is rationalising, I think not much tbh, most of this is true with/without rationalising).

The first is that this is not a very important thing. To me, what is important is like, whether Jesus is God, whether God exists. Following which, who comes to know God and how much do they know God. See, matters of eternal significance (I mean, I say this semi-jokingly but it is also semi-serious). Consequently, I think I direct prayer requests in this kinda thing. Of course there is also lots of "selfish" requests for myself to grow closer to God .etc. But then again, I am also a human eh. Everything else seems to be of a lower level of importance. And surprisingly this includes the realm of romantic relationships and all that (no marriages in heaven). All that includes career, health, grades .etc. That is not to say that I don't pray about these (I mean, especially when I'm having diarrhoea, health becomes very important), and that is not to say I think it is wrong or less than ideal to pray about these, I think ideally you pray very long you can cover all these. But when I don't pray very long, then these take much lower priority, and usually I don't pray very long.

The second, is that God gave us a brain, and wisdom to use it. In alot of things, I feel people are using prayer as an excuse for inaction or like a delaying technique. Many things, the will of God is shown, is revealed in the Bible. The "will" of God, as in the specific will of God, is a mystery and you don't actually have to or should try to discern it, you just follow the general will of God, trusting that the specific will is God's plan and that the plan is good. I really don't really like the idea that we are supposed to expend much effort to try to "read the future" or find signs or whatever not. What is this? Gideon ah? Just do what you think is right, as informed by the Bible. There are multiple (lets call this hypothetically, because it is philosophically and theologically disputed, I would think) possibilities. And multiple right possibilities (yet only one right possibility which is the one that God allows under his sovereign will). So from human perspective, just chose one of the many possibilities that are right, the one that you like most, perhaps, as an arbitrary guide and dont be frozen with inaction for that would be wrong (if you get what I mean). If anyone doesn't understand this part you can pm me. The distinction is human viewpoint: many right things, just do one. God's viewpoint: only one right thing, it will happen. Hence, whichever right thing chosen is the only right thing. So for example, God commands us to help the poor. Doesn't matter whether you help this poor man or that poor woman, just help one, anyhow choose also can. As long as you are helping the poor, and not somebody disguised as poor or for your own other purposes. Bringing this over to the liking people/ dating thing, I think I lowered my standards alot to what is not wrong, rather than what is right. And that move is definitely wrong, or at least, not right (LOL). I mean that what I'm doing is unideal la. But the general idea, notwithstanding this lowering of standards is there, and the general thrust still remains. For these things, just pick and go about on your way. As an analogy, it is like, just pick whatever clothing and wear. You don't pray before choosing which clothes to wear or what to eat, you just where what you feel like, wouldn't be too offensive to the people around you, what tastes good, what is pleasing to the eye .etc. So similarly, career and even this romantic thing, which I actually do spend quite some time thinking over, is in this category. Oh and of course, this means I take the whole "calling" idea kinda lightly (like, yes maybe God does specifically call some to some super specific role but in general, everyone is called so just do what you are called to generally - that can already take up your whole life).

And perhaps, even if all these things hold (by things I mean my current thinking on point 1 and 2), the question remains, what do I want in this "area". I actually have no idea. What I say and what I do seem to be 2 different things. Potentially reconcilable, with much rationalisation and so on, it has been done. Yet, really. What do I want and what am I scared of and so on and so forth? Even if I know it somewhere, it is really hard for me to crystalise it as a coherent thought, much less enunciate it. For example, do I really want to get married by 24? Do I really wanna consider serious relationships or is this all a game to me? Or should relationships be a game? I dunno man.

But I am reconsidering. Am I treating this too lightly, having too cavalier an attitude? Of course this is no mere breakfast or outfit, but the person you are gonna spend the rest of your life with, which, though compared to eternity is infinitesimally small, has an impact that will probably ring through eternity in a way that the outfit and breakfast doesn't have. Perhaps rather than think and investigate it from a sorta interested yet disinterested observer, I ought to pray more about it? Such difficult questions. This lack of clarity after so much investigation is appalling honestly speaking. It is not as if as I don't have clarity as to what should be done, but I don't have clarity as to what am I doing and what do I want to do, especially worrying if what I should do is what I want to do (of course, within parameters and with a heart that desires God above all).

PS: I also feel I really need to archive my blog topically rather than just chronologically. For the readers yknow, not for myself since i can search keyword.

PPS: I think this post is actually very revealing about certain key ways of my thinking.

[[I wrote this at]]*|1:25 AM|

[[On adventure books]]

So recently I have been playing some create your own adventure books. 3 to be exact. They can be downloaded from the playstore and only some of them require you to watch ads.

Anyway, so in these books, you control a character and their choices. Usually, the game is set in an adventure setting, whether it be saving the kingdom from war, marrying the princess or winning a tournament. So basically you set on an adventure, living via your imagination, with the outcomes not fully being decided by you, because if you make the wrong choices, you cannot imagine yourself out of the situation. Usually if you play the book by yourself, you can be tempted to cheat. Because if the book tells you you died, you just flip back to where you stuck your finger in before flipping to the next scenario. In this sense, you are a time weaver, going back in time to undo your dumb previous decisions.

But in these app books, you can't do that. You also can't cheat in random chance or dice rolling or whatever, because they use the RNG thing in your phone to do that for you. The first story i played even imposed a time limit after dying before you can play again.

Anyway, the point is not that, the point is in adventure books, i generally tend to take my decisions very seriously. This is especially so in the first game that I played. Where after a segment of the more or less guided part of the games, there was a "free and easy" part. There was like a few hundred days to the next event and I, the character, was supposed to prepare for the event. Wow. And that was the one where if i died i had to wait 20 minutes to play again. From the start, mind you. I was so determined to make the full use of my time, to train, to fall in love, to figure out whatever information. Basically to use it for the fullest. I planned for travelling so that I would reach areas where there were events, budgeting for some delay. I would save money so I could buy equipment later, and with each death, I knew what works and what didn't.

Yet for my life, what am I doing? Why do I explore nooks and crannies, intervene in other people's fights, train with every free hour of my time. Or talk to people. I very seldom use the "rest" button, for it only gives me 2 hp. I live each day to the last. Look at my stat attributes, and look to develop what I think is most important, what will serve me most in the future. Train them through actions. There is no, lying around stat. There is like, horseriding, intelligence .etc. Why not read books? Why not do something other than laze around. Why do people watch tv???

Lol of course, for the app, I just have to click strength training and I will miraculously do strength training for the next 3 days rather than laze around and browse 9gag or hope for someone to talk to me or something like that. The effort is the same, and if the effort is the same, everyone would rather do strength training or studying arabic or something right?

But is the "effort" that important a factor? Or is laziness really like, sloth, something really appalling. Because if we doing things for an end, isn't the end much more important? Anyway, I think this last paragraph is really bad cos I was focusing on poker. I was playing it before, but I got a bit tilted when the last paragraph came.

Still, much to write. Need to cover lost ground in EARC.

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:14 AM|

Saturday, August 5, 2017

[[On (relatively) less pain]]

Sometimes, some people lead some sort of charmed lives. Less pain, less suffering. I wonder whether this is good. I wonder whether some pain is in store, since pain kinda, yknow, grows faith .etc. Idk man. Am I missing something? Or have I sufficiently dealt with my pain. Or do I actually have less pain, if there is even an objective measure of it? Sometimes pain makes your faith feel real.

I think my faith is real, but perhaps pain helps in the feeling side? I mean, it is not as if as I have no pain, but it seems to be like quite rationally getting-through-able.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:40 PM|