[[How has been]]

Monday, November 27, 2017

[[]]

There is a lot of things to write. But... lets just say that past week was pretty tough.
It was tough academically, relationally, spiritually and all that.
Perhaps I was too hasty in saying "I'm back"
Perhaps I am not. Perhaps I never will be.
But that is done now and I am, uh, pretty alright now.
Struggles really give life taste. Idk if it is possible on earth to be, like content. Made for more, we are.
I still have lots to say, but the thoughts dont really flow on this particular typing thingy.

[[I wrote this at]]*|9:38 AM|

Sunday, November 12, 2017

[[]]

So, I appear to be back!

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:00 PM|

Friday, November 3, 2017

[[On rationalising current loneliness]]

Every time there is a new chapter, there will be a period of loneliness, of adjusting, of missing former closeness. It is during these periods that I think, I stress those close to me the most, because I desperately clutch at what was. Thanks whoever you are, actually. Thanks alot.

The severity of it depends on the difference between expectations and reality.
How long it lasts depends on how fast expectations lower and/or reality improves. Generally, I think expectations don't lower that much.

I think this time it is surprisingly bad. Perhaps because the situation was beyond expectations pleasant around end of exchange. And the situation was pretty darn good before start of exchange. But now, I am back and it is a far cry from both though I was more expecting the latter (afterall, back to NUS right?). And as the exchange relationships fade away in spite of my foreseeing it and uh, 心理准备, the "new relationships" aren't taking over anywhere enough of the burden ma hart n ma soul rests on other people. This leaves this really gaping hole that, coupled with some other things, don't make me very happy. Nah, it makes me abjectly not pleased, though still joyful, I guess, when I think of God and don't go into self-destructive habits.

Let me try to post-hoc rationalise this mess. On exchange, expectations were low and there was this nervous anticipation of the unknown. Now back from exchange, expectations are somewhat that from previously, but obviously it is nowhere near previously. I was year 2 when I left. I am year 4 now. That is 2 batches. In NUS, half the people that were around then are gone. Furthermore, those are batch seniors, the people who were friendlier to me, people who I look up to, people who have gone trode the path that I am currently treading. They were people that gave much to me. And they are, gone. Oh of course they are not dead. They are working. Plausibly worse than dead in some cases lol. But fact remains that they have moved on, as I have. Yet it feels, in this area, I have not. How I miss meeting a senior in the corridors, or at CG, or in tembusu (from any random sport for instance) who ask me how am I, checks in on me, enquires about my well-being and generally brightens up my life with a smile. Now of course, it is I that am to do these. And I do, happily even (lol), sometimes. I am the one that initiates the conversations now, at a table, for I am the senior right, the lao jiao. The one that extends care and concern. Of course it is a great privilege to do this. Yet I am a child, and, like, really, a child that yearns to be coddled (and to coddle as well la) - note: don't extend this analogy too far.

On a related note: quite some time in CF especially has been spent work related, in an official or semi-official capacity. And when it is in that, yknow, there are some barriers, there are things to do, not just relationships to be made. And even if relationships are to be made, some degree of it is professional. I for one, don't really care about professional relationships lol. And I have tried to not make it professional but still, there is that, and also, of course, the lack of time. It is hard to make friends in a few months. But the very fact that they are in more "formalised" settings, with an agenda on the table makes the table very much less conducive to just general getting to know people for who they are. There is always this, relation to what they are doing, the role which relates to my role. My informal meals have been really dropping. And recently, when I have more free time (meals). I realise theres nobody that I eat with anymore. Regularly that is. Of course this frees up time for me to visit my grandmother or eat with my sis (when shes not out with her friends or doing work or whatever). But like the "core group" is very much gone. The group that I hang out with most, derive most identity from. This year I eat less with the christian philosophy students (cos only one module leads to a meal) and usually after module if have CF or what, I don't go back with them. I don't eat before a module, and if I do, they don't eat together anyway. For tembusu I eat with frisbee whenever I am there, and the frequency is far less because... CF? And also like much of the table are juniors and like, it is more of getting to know people, encouraging rather than being encouraged and being known (Sorta broad generalisation). Not staying tembusu makes a very big difference though I'd reckon even if I stayed, it would still be very different because it would be an entirely new environment people-wise. In CF, hmmm. Lots of people I am fond of have graduated. And those that haven't graduated have spent a year or so together in my absence. I'm not blaming or what luh, is just relationally I feel like not optimal.

Hmm. Also not exceptionally "friends" with the rest of exco. Like I am fond of them as people but the depth of relationship is not there. Idk if it because I am closed off (I don't think so?) but more possibly just because of the nature of the relationship and how much of the time we spend together, even though it is quite significant, is very structured, very agenda based. And with any agenda based thing I kinda represent much more of my take on the agenda than like myself as a person. I presume the same for them? Of course, this might yet change.

Well this is very far from despair, however it might sound. Things always get better. Or if they don't get better, they end.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:31 PM|