This morning there was some sense of worry and trepidation. You see, I had planned to get first class honours this sem, but it was not going according to plan. Intro to lit, my second failsafe had pretty much been blown because of some bad midterm results. Nietzsche, that which i most counted on, to "save" my thesis if it got b+, became a liability because I wrote a somewhat ambitious final essay and it got b. I feel like my final essay was worth more than "b" and somewhat raised it up to my prof. But ohwell. He is the prof and I'm sure he was impartial in grading.

So it happened. My thesis got a b+ and... after all the planning, I dropped out of first class by a half grade of any module.

Interesting stuff. 

Hahaha. I expected an A- for my thesis. I mean, it was not particularly inspired. A B+ is fine too, I guess. I was hoping for an A but that was probably a long shot. I can't say I didn't expect a B+, I mean, I thought there was a reasonable chance it could happen though I was hoping not. Many people said they would try to keep you in your honours class, stuff like that. Hmmm... Guess not.

Now what? 

Hmmm. Actually I am feeling a lot better than one would expect. I reckon this is good? Less identity in the grades and stuff. Of course I am still not feeling great about it.

The narrative is really deconstructed eh. The narrative that I'm rather brilliant. The idea that "oh, I went to study philosophy rather than something more socially desirable, at the very least I should get a first". So cocky. I probably am still somewhat cocky. There was this narrative that I could breeze through school, without putting in super alot of effort into academics, while carving out my own way. While writing what I think is good

But good eh. Clearly NUS doesn't think I should get a first. Refreshing.

Well, there are some what ifs. What if I put in more effort? What if I gave them more of what they wanted? What if I tried harder? What if  I took a module that was much more likely to give me an A instead of Nietzsche? What if I didn't do certain things, what if I did certain things? What if I studied for grades and not just to write poetry? Well, as if the rest of life. I thought I put in enough effort to achieve what I wanted. In this case, it would seem that I might have miscalculated? I can live with that. I miscalculate on things all the time. And clearly I did not think it was necessary to err more on the side of caution. Or maybe I thought i was already err-ing on the side of caution.

Then there are some things to be done. Should I appeal? I am rather close to the threshold but I don't really feel like appealing. I mean, what is the point of appealing? Do I really really want the first class? Do I want a first class that is not a first, but that which they give me upon reconsideration? It seems to me that appealing sends a signal that I really value the first. Well, I would prefer a first, but one that my grades would have given me for the effort I put in. My parents and some friends are trying to get me to appeal. Well they may be wiser, maybe a first does open doors in the future, maybe there is no loss in trying to appeal... Well, there were stuff like this when I was considering what to study for my degree. They did not really succeed then... hmmm.

There is a reason why I choose to study philosophy. I believe I have sorta gotten what I went to uni for. Other than the first. Like... A first would be nice. My narrative that I am an awesome person in societal eyes would be mostly intact. I also wanted the "accolade" that I kept a first class cap throughout university (like every semester). Because this would feed my narrative that, yknow, I can put in sufficient force to achieve what I want. Why would I wanna score super well when I can score well enough and do lots of other things. I'm surprised at how bad my miscalculation was, I thought it was an easy coast for the last sem. But oh well, there were signs, signs that I choose to ignore. 

My old friend said whooops. Hahahaha. I find that very apt. But even now, it isn't that bad I reckon.

But it seems to me that I'm quite ok with the deal that the school grades me and I am found wanting. I have graded the school too, and I find them wanting. It is fair. Hahahaha. except that people care more about what the school grades me than what I grade the school.

Well I guess this is one of the last failsafes. In my life, academics has been quite a good failsafe. Oh, I can pursue stuff, but if that fails, at least society sees me as valuable because I have such and such a certificate. Guess I don't really have that as much anymore.

Actually I think this might be good. Yknow, cut off some more attachments to societal values. It is not that I would have preferred not to get first. I would have very much preferred a first, but if I didn't get, I think it is still good. Lessons to be learnt.