[[How has been]]

Saturday, July 28, 2018

[[]]

Such trepidation for today's trip

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:02 AM|

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

[[]]

I am being self-absorbed

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:44 AM|

[[The reflexion (x bcos pretentious)]]

So, its Monday morning, more accurately, Sunday late night. And I didn't write anything.

Now it is Tuesday night. Attempt 2. I'm running out of things to distract myself with lol. Time to face it.

So... Gotta do some sort of stocktake of life. It is the transition period. I don't really like transition periods, because they are unfamiliar. Think I am wallowing abit in myself.

Let's see. So I have graduated from NUS with a degree in philosophy. And I think I played university pretty well. Think I didn't waste my time in university. And I achieved most of what I aimed to achieve. Think I had enough fun. Think I learnt quite a bit (not content, I would think). Think I developed as a person. Think I am more confident of my decision to follow Jesus. Think I made great friends. Think I became more independent and mature and have a greater depth of thought (though obviously still much more to go). Yeah, uni was pretty good.

That being said, I think i'm still mildly affected by the disappointment in honours class and thesis. You can read my attempt to rationalise it previously, like a month ago. The main repercussion of it is that it affects my initial tentative "coasting" plan.

This plan was built on the previous narrative of me being awesome and having much ability to achieve what I want to achieve. And the plan was greatly dented, at least to myself, by this honours class thing. And so... It had to be re-examined.

And technically the big plan is untouched, but the specifics were hollowed out since I kinda threw this tentative plan out (idk wisely or unwisely), tentatively. And I kinda also haven't been doing 2 of the projects i said i would do in the interim, again, the distracting, and abit of the wallowing and trying to formulate a new plan but without really doing that much concretely about it.

Ok I think I should do more. Ok I can't say this is a fantastic or comprehensive post but it has achieved a bit of what I want it to achieve, that is, what should I do.

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:00 AM|

Monday, July 23, 2018

[[]]

I just read quite a few cards that i have received throughout my time in university.

And I wonder at who the person they thought I was, where did he go, how did he, become me?

Lol.

[[I wrote this at]]*|1:46 AM|

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

[[On nationalism]]

Anyway, it appears that nationalism or some sort of tribalism is rather ingrained into many people. But I don't really like it. And as per the previous hormatSAF post, it seems hard for anyone to speak out against it. For idk, it seems like it is something "good", as if as it were moral to be nationalistic - to take pride in one's country or one's race. And conversely, it is suggested that it is immoral, or at the very least not socially accepted, to not take pride in such things.

Honestly, I don't really care for nationalism. You could say that I am anti-nationalism. I'm not anti-Singapore (or anti-PAP). I don't dislike Singapore (unlike many people who keep whining about Singapore). In fact, I am rather fond of this place. I like the hot-ass weather that allows me to wear t-shirt and shorts everywhere. I like the food. I love the family and friends I have here. But I don't have an allegiance to Singapore. (LOL, uh... yeah...). I don't have a dis-allegiance to Singapore, I won't go out of my way to "harm" Singapore. But yeah, I don't feel like, any loyalty to Singapore, and thus, don't feel like I will go out of my way to "serve" Singapore. And this makes national service a pain in the ass (which I have documented before). But the point today is not national service, since it is a uniquely Singaporean and uniquely me thing. The point is nationalism. And the point is that I'm equally against nationalism in all countries. And I'm equally for all peoples and against all peoples. Of course I might not be able to live it out perfectly (e.g I support iceiceice probably because he is Singaporean) but yeahhhhh, is the theoretical aim anyway.

A common line of argument is: Why should one feel allegiance to one's country when one did not choose one's country? This assumes that one should feel allegiance to things one chooses. I dunno how viable this line of argument is. Should one feel allegiance to one's school because one choose one's school? Or because one's parents choose the school for them (@immigrant children)? Or must all immigrants have allegiance to the country they choose, what if they are just there for tax evasion or something?

For me, it is not so much which country I choose, but what I choose to give my allegiance to. And it seems to me that being born of a country or people group is not sufficient reason to unthinkingly give allegiance to.

It seems to me that allegiance and identity is somewhat connected. What you pledge allegiance to, you deem your identity to be, that is, you embrace that as your identity (where embracing is a positive action). I don't deny that being Singaporean is my identity. I am definitely Singaporean. I like Singaporean stuff and speak like a Singaporean and eat like a Singaporean and live in a Singaporean house. But do I "want" it? Do I embrace it? I embrace it in the passive sense that I am totally fine with it and I definitely act according to my Singaporean roots and influences. In fact, I don't know any other alternative. But do I like... actively embrace it in the sense of seeking it? NAAAAW. It just is, yknow.

Let's add to this that people stereotype/define me by it a fair amount of the time. And I reckon, this is fair, acceptable and understandable and like, natural. But so what? Does the fact that I am short and gain from all the advantages (much less) and disadvantages of being short mean that I have some sort of allegiance to shortness and/or other short people?

So I reckon, here we can adjudicate that "is" does not lead to allegiance for (unless nationality is a special case from height or weight or blood type .etc.) Nationality might well be a special case. If so, some argument will have to be put forth for it.

So what other reasons are there for nationalism if not for the fact that you are of a particular nationality?

A related question: am I "proud" to be a Singaporean?

Hmmm... What does "proud" to be a Singaporean mean actually? I guess there are two senses in which one can be "proud" to be a Singaporean. One is that you are thankful that you are Singaporean (rather than another nationality) I guess implicit in this is some sense that it is better to be Singaporean than not (presumably of another nationality). The other sense is basically that you have allegiance to Singapore (which for me, probably not).

So for the first sense, I guess our national narrative about meritocratic and some sort of hard work and astute rise to first world status is pretty cool. I guess the Singaporean system has served me well enough that I can think, read and write. And without Singapore I wouldn't be who I am. I guess, according to the official narrative, we won the lottery to be born in a first world country, nice and safe and "free". Am I thankful/grateful for these opportunities that have come my way because I am Singaporean... Well I reckon so. Though for one, I don't really buy the official narrative that much - of course we have a higher standard of living and a lower crime rate than most, but is that what really matters in a life? I think not. So... yes, Singapore has provided me some stuff that I shall use to my advantage (because well, they are provided).

Presumably some people might say something along the lines of not demonstrating allegiance is being ungrateful. Maybe add something something about having to "defend" it for future generations or something like that? Like having had something so good, it is my "duty" to invest in it so that other people can enjoy the same good. That i'm some sort of freeloader if I benefit from Singapore without contributing back to Singapore... Hmm... Well, first thing is i'm not sure "nationalistic" people actually have a nett contribution to a country. Sure they help boost propaganda and whip up nationalistic fervour... but does that help the country. Secondly, if the argument is moral, I don't see why the help should be towards this group of "Singaporeans". What if I want to help another country and better the lives of people there? Is that being ungrateful? What happened to paying it forward? Why so inward looking? Why does a particular group of people deserve your help more? Is help not given to those who need rather than some sort of favouritism over such arbitrary groups? And can't we decide who to help?

While we are at it, what is this "country" concept? I dunno, when I talk about country I generally mean the state and the people within the state. So the state apparatus and the people within... Maybe the land.

Anyway, nationalism is not limited to Singapore. There are people who, on counts of standard of living/crime rate/diversity are way below Singapore and yet are fervently nationalistic, even more so than the average Singaporean (I reckon the average Singaporean is sorta hiddenly nationalistic, like complain alot yet proud when Singapore is number 1 in yet another thing. LOL. STEREOTYPING). So even if this might explain some semblance of nationalism in Singapore, it is unlikely to account for nationalism per se. It seems to me that it is more of a quirk of human psychology or something. And while it is understandable and natural to want some sort of security in an identity larger than self, I wonder whether the existing national narratives that want didn't choose are the best things to park one's identity in. Why not choose something else, and not let your birth define you (like, of course it defines you, but you can choose to not actively embrace it).

Consider another argument: Nationalism/tribalism is necessary pragmatically because otherwise other peoples will band together and POP YOUR BUBBLE. Ok, they will invade you and take your stuff. And so, pragmatically, nationalism/tribalism is required for survival and prosperity.

Well... I don't have much to say regarding this... It is that which undergirds hobbesian social thinking right. I reckon if you are doing it entirely pragmatically on defense grounds.. well, I guess you can continue doing it. While I will... dream of a world without countries or smth. Sorry its late. Lame ending again.

[[I wrote this at]]*|4:23 AM|

Monday, July 9, 2018

[[#hormatSAF]]

Recently there was SAF day. And there was this trend of #hormatSAF going around on social media with a custom facebook picture frame or something like that. Hormat means salute in malay, which is the language most Singapore military commands are in. Presumably people using this #hormatSAF things are trying to show respect for the Singapore Armed Forces. Lots of my friends have fun using the #hormatSAF for their army photos, relieving certain memories.

Well... I'm just wondering how much of this is a government campaign. Every time I see a person #hormatSAF, I wonder how many other people, the silent majority if you will, would #FuckSAF (in army speak) or to be less crude, #dislikeSAF. I, for one, would go with #dislikeSAF. Go to any army camp and survey the actual men in green about what they think of the SAF. I highly doubt that the results will indicate much fondness of SAF.

That being said, it is not impossible to dislike and still salute something...

[[I wrote this at]]*|4:22 PM|

Thursday, July 5, 2018

[[meta reflection.]]

I feel like I owe it to myself to think and reflect clearly about university and the 4 years I have spent there. If I do not, I fear I may enter into the next phase of life over-emphasising the recent, the urgent rather than the important. This is especially so since the results debacle is most recent and the most obvious closure event of university.

But alas! Time has cast a mist over my recollections. They turn grey. Not just grey, they take on idealised properties, that which I have previously ascribed to them, but I cannot remember them as they were anymore. I can recall that I once used adjectives to describe experiences but I cannot feel the adjectives anymore. I can remember certain strong feelings, this recollection is comforting and hollow at the same time. Time is like a drug that rotted large chunks of my memories out from the inside and all that is left is a semi-alive husk. But who can blame time? It just is. And if a semi-alive husk is all that I have left, it is good enough for me.

In writing this I feel my thinking is slow and the words are arduous, like trying to write with a pen whose ink has congealed with time. Perhaps the motion of the pen by attempting to write will mix the constituent ingredients of ink and perhaps the friction of effort will overcome the viscosity caused by the passing of time. And perhaps other thinking people, both dead and alive, known and unknown to me will lend their help and this page can flow again.

It has been frustrating, attempting to think without enough effort, while distracted, while playing poker and dota. Or perhaps, more accurately, while reading short articles and "information" youtube series. And producing half-baked thoughts.

[[I wrote this at]]*|1:31 PM|