[[How has been]]

Wednesday, April 17, 2019

[[On farewells]]

Oh man this week is the week of farewells because my STEP program ends on the 22nd of april. And oh boy oh boy. Feels weird man. This really brings back to mind the end of exchange. Because of the splitting up and not meeting again (unless fly or something). But it is also so different.

There is this finality. Because the ship is a really unique environment and a unique build of people. It is palpable and I really feel it, yknow. I guess in some sense it is something to be thankful about. If parting doesn't feel like anything it is probably because it wasn't worth anything. And I am thankful for that.

I think I haven't done my farewells well. Back in Singapore, it was really just one school to the next. And it was mildly sad but yknow, a meetup is just half an hour away and a text message or something. Even the end of tembusu and the end of NUS didn't feel as sad as it should have. Because of this thinking that nothing much would change (like end of tembusu was really rather long-drawn out, it gradually faded out after the official end), it is like that too with end of NUS, I was still doing FOC and some other stuff here and there. And this fading out, together with the idea that "we could always meet" makes farewells in Singapore really queer. And so we do not do it well. Maybe the missionary kids have the best understanding of how to do farewells.

One of the worst farewells (in terms of impact) was actually at the end of service term. Was bad man, I was sad and so on and this leaked into how I did pro term. Which was sad (of course pro term wasn't the easiest either).

Perhaps one of the ways I did it, especially for exchange, was to clearly know who I wanted to "keep" and so the farewells were more directed towards trying to communicate that I wanted to keep in contact with them and thereafter, attempting to keep in contact. And then it gradually faded out, as expected.

But for this group it is quite queer. Perhaps for once I don't really have strong favorites (maybe I have but hmm, lol). I feel like I don't know people well enough (as say, compared to end of exchange). And of course I know them, kinda, but not in the well well level. And it feels like there is so much potential to get to know but there is not enough time. Oh man, so sad. At least to me it seems so sad. And you can see here i'm in the more inward looking self-absorbed mode (Though it is alot better, perhaps this is all part of processing it). And it feels like I kinda sorta missed my aim to make some friends in the sense I was expecting, the pick a few sense. But I feel like I got quite abit more out at the same time, just not what I expected. I got a kinda group, though I don't know what to do with groups. Lel. I've never had much faith in groups lasting, and had more faith in having one on one friendships based on mutual fondness and respect and interest and something like that. But this is an interesting group, like, it is forged out of more than what usual friend groups are (i.e convenience) and there is the foundation of God and such, but I really don't know what it will turn out into.

And this farewell thing is casting a pall over this week, like there were activities like frisbee game, workshop, maybe persecuted church and such that I wanted to do but not any more yknow, because, I feel like I have to spend time with the steppers and stuff. And like I slept late and stuff and am feeling slightly cranky to go along with it. And I feel a lot less like making new interactions and friends with the locals and such. Sad really.

Let me evaluate it as good though, to conclude.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:04 PM|

Saturday, April 13, 2019

[[]]

Past few days have been interesting. Maybe God is telling me to shut up and listen. So I was given a flu and an accompanying bad throat. So interesting seriously.

[[I wrote this at]]*|9:28 AM|

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

[[]]

Let me tell you what an interview is for.

An interview is to find out who you are.

And to accept/reject you based on what they think you are.

Surely interviewers realise that people lie. When they say that they love the company / scholarship / want to devote their lives to it.

But why is that still a requisite. Or rather, why when you do not say it, you are disqualified?

Well for one it shows that you can wayang.

For 2 it shows that they can make you say what they want you to say.

For 3, it is to cover their own asses.

I think 2 is the most important.

[[I wrote this at]]*|9:59 AM|

[[On a work rest dichotomy]]

So I was thinking, do you have an obligation/responsibility to be healthy for work?

And let's assume that it is not wrong to skip work when you are sick because being sick is a legitimate reason for skipping work.

So for example, lets say I have this plan to really enjoy myself, lets say it is clubbing or a sports tournament or something else. Let's say I work monday to friday and am off sat-sunday.

And I am feeling like, yknow, on the verge of being sick. If I carry on with my plan, I have a high chance of falling sick by monday. If I cancel my plans and rest, I have a high chance of being well for work on monday.

What should you do? Does what the plan you have to cancel matter?

So let's say it is pure enjoyment without any cost e.g going to a free concert to enjoy yourself or playing lots of video games at home. Perhaps you should cancel?

What if it is something you have already paid for? E.g you are going to a 2 day outdoor music festival that costs $120. Perhaps you shouldn't waste your money?

What if it is something you have an obligation for, e.g babysitting some relatives or something.

Let's also put aside the fact that you might have an infectious disease and might transmit it around.

How about your work? Does it matter?IF you have an important meeting perhaps you should cancel your plans, if it is gonna be a chill day perhaps you don't and take MC? Why doesn't it matter though?

It seems to me if you have no obligation to be well for work (at all), the utilitarian action will be to play hard during weekend, call in sick to rest for monday (and maybe tuesday) and work 3 days a week. (Of course you might lose your job).

On the other hand, if you have an obligation to be well for work, like fully healthy, rested and ready to go, work encroaches on your free time. Why does work pose constraints on how you can spend your time off work?

Perhaps, more importantly, does work leave you healthy and rested for your weekend or break? If I recall, times like in OCS, I book out on the verge of sickness, really drained and tired and spend the weekend just recovering. Is that, yknow, fair? Because recovering is not being "free". And if you don't spend the time recovering, you fall sick later, on monday (and then you can skip work).

I see people in Singapore working and recovering from work. Doesn't look like living to me. And it is true that they are keeping themselves healthy for work. But perhaps that puts work on a pedestal where it controls all the time you have.

It seems to me that this is a tussle over one's energy. yknow, work is limited in terms of time but not in terms of energy. And it seems to me that energy is just as important as time in terms of doing things. So if work has first claim to your energy, you have less energy for yourself (or other things). If you selfishly spend energy on yourself (or other things), you might end up unable to do work/doing less work.

Maybe one would argue that you will never know whether you will fall sick. Perhaps (skeptical look at you). But even so, the tussle over energy point stands.

Perhaps it seems to me that this is a further case against the work rest dichotomy. Or rather the work - no work dichotomy. Because this dichotomy cannot be drawn. Even if you neatly cut time and disengage, energy and other resources necessarily bleed into your life. Perhaps this should mean that we shouldn't try to separate work and rest of life, maybe because they cannot be separated. And if we acknowledge that they cannot be separated, perhaps understanding and transforming work can happen instead of trying to cordon it off into a corner.

[[I wrote this at]]*|9:17 AM|

Friday, April 5, 2019

[[]]

Today I am angry. And I want to be angry. I want the kindle my rage and channel it out forcefully at the opportune moment. That people will see that I am not to be messed with.

Today there were two incidents. Firstly, one person allowed another person to do something (take something) and prohibited me from doing so. And I was angry. Why? Were they drawing boundaries? Do they not like me?

And then, secondly, I asked two people if I could sit with them (at least that is the intention, maybe they understood something else because I didn't ask it directly) and they said no. And then they let another person sit with them. What is going on man. So mad. So angry. Who do they think they are?

And I see someone who I think as fake blatantly lying and I'm angry too.

Angry angry.

How fun.

How tiring.

How self-absorbed.

What a sad kid, alone and angry. The lick of the flames of anger. So familiar. So powerful. So power inducing.

Stew and stew.

Bubble and boil.

Hit out at a unsuspecting weak target.

Do some damage.

[[I wrote this at]]*|4:13 AM|

Monday, April 1, 2019

[[On football]]

Yesterday night I went to play football with a group from Logos hope against a local church team for fun.

And I was reminded of a very peculiar memory. It was in secondary 2. All along I thought that I was decent and football, yknow, compared to average Singaporean that plays football. And I believe I was. But in secondary 2, my class had people that were really good at football, and so, comparatively, I was not so good. I remember a inter class tournament where I was asked to play right back. Which I played. But I was not so good at it. Mostly because I don't like contact and how I make tackles and stuff is not the direct confrontation kind, like sneak up and steal ball or run until they make a mistake. And also cos I tend to run upfield.

And I was asked to play right back again. And people kept shouting at me again. Hahaha. Actually I played every position on the right, but yeah, they were better than me, meaning most of the team and most of the opponent's team. I'm really bad at the scrappy kind of games yknow, where being a rhinoceros is good. And overcrowded field and such. It was a very interesting experience. I also abrased off a large part of skin on my left leg by sliding needlessly. lelelel. Actually some people said that I played well, did some stuff here and there. But I can tell very clearly when I am below average or a weak link (I can tell when people are weak links in most things, not just sports) and I really don't like it - being a weak link or below average, that is.

But it was refreshing. Really.

And it also made me think about shouting in sports in general. Lolololol. I tend to shout at people when I am better in the game, especially teammates, to help yknow. But I didn't really like being shouted at, especially vague things and being not effective in the shouting. Perhaps this is something that I shall remember, to communicate clearly what I want to be communicated. During sports this might not be easy tho.

And this experience really brought back memories of sports and being competitive man. And reminded me of primary school wushu and football, my ccas. And secondary school football. And wanting to be good. But failing. And it made me think about competitive sports. About how I avoid the really serious competition even though I love sports at a semi-competitive recre level.

And the answer is because I am small. I think.

And seriously yknow, being small is fine for me most of the time. I always wanted to prove myself especially in the physical realm. And I guess OCS was one way, especially the infantry part. But yknow, there is always the understanding that I am not gonna be good enough for serious sports. Even when I was playing frisbee in tembu and I guess I was doing decently well, it was already obvious that I wasn't gonna attempt to join a club or something because of physical limitations. It is like, there is a skill cap. Of course you can be really good if you practice really hard and all, but it seems to me that why would you put in so much effort into something that you have an inherent disadvantage in? It doesn't make rational sense to me.

Sigh. Sad. I mean, realistically speaking, I'm fine in the endurance and speed and anything body weight related. But once there is a competition where body weight and height matters. Man I'm really bad.

It's tragic. But I am beautifully and wonderfully made.

[[I wrote this at]]*|8:12 AM|