[[How has been]]

Friday, May 31, 2019

[[Job hunting]]

Hello all!

Before the consolidated reflections come out, let me share some thoughts on the current job hunt.

Its so funny that the highest paying jobs are pointless. Yet I think, somehow, it makes sense. Because people won't want to do pointless jobs, generally. So money, lots of money is required to fill this purposelessness. Plus if people have purpose, they generally hold out for less money because they wanna do it anyway. They don't really see it as a game of how much money I can squeeze out of this organisation or job. On the flip side...

But when I hunt for jobs, man i'm still hyper aware of the prestige of each job. And such and such. And the "quality" it is looked at in society's eyes. And I can't say it doesn't affect me. Though I spec-ed away from such things, the fact that I am applying for a job makes me wanna get the best job and because I have no clear standards for what makes a good job for myself (maybe I am too lax, putting too much on internal attitude), society's standards rushes in to fill the vacuum.

[[I wrote this at]]*|1:20 AM|

Friday, May 24, 2019

[[]]

I apologise to those who are waiting for something insightful on this space. I have like 10 drafts that have been created in fragments.

Perhaps the most insightful thing that I have realised is that I cannot follow God by my own effort or decision. That it has to be reliance on God's grace that leads to a genuine life of being a disciple. This is actually quite revolutionary for me since I gave much weight to choosing and making decisions and following through on decisions. I seem to have come to the realisation that while all these are still required and important, the underlying attitude cannot be one's own decision which emanates from the self. I used to say that of course the decision one makes is with the grace of God (on a deeper level) but for you it is your decision and something along those lines. But it seems to me, now, that if one supposes to come to God by own strength the foundation on which the rest of the Christian walk is built is really shaky (i.e mine? lol). It seems to me, then, that the grace of God has to move from an intellectual understanding (a la past me) into a fully felt and understood reality (maybe somewhere that I am moving towards, God willing).

I think this insight was gained mostly because I realised how short trying to follow God "on my terms" (kinda) was, in an environment that had people further ahead in following God.

[[I wrote this at]]*|4:36 PM|

Friday, May 3, 2019

[[On being self absorbed and breaking out]]

So for the past like 2-3 weeks or so, I have been in this dreadful state of self absorbedness. And it is really not very pleasant to be in such a state yknow. Because you become so inward looking and the focus is all on me. What I wanted what I expected, how the world and circumstances and everything else fell short. And then maybe some degree of self pity. (By the way, if it didn't fall short it would still be self absorbed, but it would be the flip side which is not necessarily better). And you feel like you want you want you want. Like you want such and such to happen. For me I sulk and pout and try to get the thing to happen to happen (sometimes even asking for it). Usually the things I want cannot be asked for anyway.

But this obsession with self comes at a steep price, even if you eventually get somewhat of what you want. When you are self absorbed and inward looking, you lose the capacity to think about others. And even your prayers become so retarded.

[[I wrote this at]]*|9:50 AM|