[[How has been]]

Sunday, June 30, 2019

[[]]

My laptop's battery is busted. It is tragic. Was working well all along with like ~3+ hours. Wasn't a gradual decline. It just suddenly could not be charged. Ohwell. Guess i need a new laptop. But it still works as a desktop.

Dont really know why I'm posting this lol. If you know how to repair it or cure it or whatever that be nice.

[[I wrote this at]]*|6:53 PM|

Monday, June 10, 2019

[[Specific aim in life]]

Ok my aim in life is to start/join a school to teach other people how to think about how to live life. And to also learn from other people how to think.

Ideally it is a living and learning together environment.

Maybe something like L'abri but doesn't have to be so hipster. If it can be tangentially related to formal education would be best.

I think i need an aim to focus certain efforts and this aim seems good enough, exciting even, for me.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:14 AM|

Monday, June 3, 2019

[[Consolidated reflections]]

Let's hope that I remain lucid enough to do a good job. I think I have talked to some people and consolidated some thoughts. Also, these reflections are not necessarily particularly flattering. Yet I think they should

Firstly, I saw people really following Jesus with their whole lives. And what this means is that God is the central concern and the guiding thing in their life. Where people really seek to please God with their lives, every part of their lives, especially the main part of their life. And it is really liberating and so crazy. It is kinda unstoppable because nobody has any leverage on them (especially if they are grounded and know God's will well). The most radical examples of these are people in prison yet joyful that they could suffer for Christ. But we don't have to go to prison to be joyful that we can (whatever) for Christ. We can work for Christ and not complain, and be joyful about work. Actually my mum used to teach this to me. But, unfortunately I didn't really see it being lived out until the ship provided me up close examples. And it is really beautiful. For what is there to grumble if you are doing whatever you are doing really for God? Like it is an honour to do whatever and to do it well.

Singapore's hobby is complaining, and I love whining too, generally. But I noticed, upon reflection, that I complain much much less on the ship. Maybe because nobody does it. (Or much less). And it is so nice.

One other thing that I realised was that I was being hypocritical about turning back to the world but actually loving the world. And this can be seen in many small things. For example, in the past when I didn't score good grades and I felt soooo annoyed. Or when I get ticked off by my efforts not being recognised. And it is very easy to think that one has left the world behind, but these small things always burst my bubble.

It is so sad. All I know is how to use people and build myself up.

While maintaining the impression that I try not to.

Yknow I'm the person that is more interested in playing well than in my team winning. If I have a great game and my team loses, I seem to be perfectly fine. I love control. And I love being better than others.

On people being not worthy, or that I am such a great gift. If you watch the show what's wrong with secretary kim, I'm feel like, when I watched it on the way back, I am as narcissistic and self absorbed as the lead. Though less capable, rich and handsome. And in some sense, I guess I've imbibed this idol of wanting to be this perfect guy (or as close to perfect as possible), probably from the culture and environment around. But it is quite broken.

On being narcissistic.

Yknow, the last few sentences were there and I was supposed to elaborate on them for like really long but I am too lazy to do so. So I'm just gonna leave it there and see how it goes.

But for God's grace, so good. Not really my problem, I just depend.

[[I wrote this at]]*|3:58 PM|