[[How has been]]

Wednesday, October 30, 2019

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I think I dreamt a dream about zombies and woke up rather afraid. And then my awake mind started to process it and I thought it was very much like hell, even represented hell. With common grace removed, people try to take pleasure in things that once gave them pleasure like sex or eating but find it unpleasurable, all while cursing the plight yet futilely sticking to old patterns.

And then after more reasoning, perhaps this is even an analogy of today.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:18 PM|

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Mister Yaxon's instastory says, if you don't want to spend time with Jesus now, why do you want to go to heaven?

It is rhetorical by the way, because Jesus's presence is heaven. Kinda.

Like the song your presence is heaven.

Why do most people think everyone wants to go to heaven. Actually, no. Not everyone wants to go to heaven eh? If heaven is where God is, and hell is where you pay the price for choosing your own way, everyone, myself included, wants to go to hell.

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:17 AM|

Saturday, October 19, 2019

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Oh that I may be strong enough not to live for this world but wise enough to live in it

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:55 AM|

Tuesday, October 15, 2019

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I wanna write a proper piece every month. It can be a short story, a poem or even a decent length thought piece. Point being that it should be quality controlled rather than the current kinda ramblings. Need some discipline. Hope I can do it. Such that when I am 30 I will have quite a number of pieces.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:09 PM|

Wednesday, October 9, 2019

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I watched a ted talk. Something about infinite games or finite games. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bFs6ZiynSU

And although I think there is more to be said about it - in that life isn't just a infinite game (because of course it isnt right, what the heck is survival for the sake of survival.) I thought it explained my current struggle quite well.

Where the short term aims are conflicting with the long term ones. And to be honest, I feel quite alone in this. There is serious tension between this finding a job and what I think life should be yet everyone seems to have figured it out (and me thinking I know better than others, think that they haven't figured everything out). And while people offer all sorts of practical advice, I feel like nobody has addressed the fundamental considerations and issues that cause the internal conflict.

So I guess its me and God then.

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:48 PM|

Saturday, October 5, 2019

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Let me declare here that I am happy with where I am currently, that is, working a temp job for 9 dollars an hour while waiting for a permanent job and also thinking of what to do in the longer term. Now let me try to be more like that which I declared. I honestly think this, too, is a time of great personal growth, and tearing down bad paradigms. But even as I am changed and moulded, I hope it is for the better and I don't let in certain strains of thinking that are more "pragmatic" or "sensible" just because I am impatient or frustrated at times. So much more to go with trusting God's plan for my life. I really like to be in control and to chase what I think is best, but when my plans fail, it seems quite clear that they are second-rate.

In my last post I said something that made sense to me at that time, but now I kinda can't get the same thread back. I think it was some idea about how Christians on fire cannot coexist with "cold" Christians. Because it is abrasive and either one will move or they will meet somewhere in the middle or someone will level up or down. Of course I am talking about in the very long run. In the short term it is very dynamic. Oh to be on fire for Christ. What fun. Also what a journey!

Mmm. I love it when I am reminded of the type of person I chose to be by reminders or actions that I took before. It's like, man great job past me, when the present me is confused and whatnot and struggling with certain things or decisions. It is so easy to lose sight of the goal and be sidetracked.

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:02 AM|