[[How has been]]

Saturday, November 30, 2019

[[Some reflections on 1 week of reservist]]

So I'm halfway through my 5th cycle of reservist. Had a week in camp so far. As a side note, I am trying to not be anxious and have peace in my heart. And so, resisting dread and all that. Yet not I but through Christ in me I guess lol.

And I must say it went pretty well until the last day (book out day). Yknow what, even considering the last day I'd say it went pretty well.

Certain points for reflection -

1. I started using vulgarities (actually just the word "fuck"), gradually, during the week, actually I think most of my vulgarity use was on the last day when I was also at my most angry. This was despite having not used much vulgarities for the last few years in civilian life - I reckon the culture's influence is really strong.
2. I also got really really angry. Which was something that, I dunno, I reckon I last felt something close to that was on the ship? I suppose more trying situations bring out this rage more.
2b. I also wonder at how rational this rage is. I actually think the rage is not irrational. In a sense, I believe it is a strong signalling mechanism for my displeasure and I think I chose to be angry, intentionally. I think generally I have these displays of rage when I feel like I am being threatened (think of it as "standing up for myself" or something like that). And when I think I can get away with it (and so it is not a negative expected value action). I think generally, the subject of my rage also has to be someone that I think quite lowly of. And funnily enough, I think a majority of the time this rage is directed against people of "higher rank" than me, rarely against my peers and I can't recall any time to someone "lower rank" than me (here I don't mean rank in the formal sense in army, but like formal leadership roles or even in like social settings). Even more interesting is that the usual object of such rage is Christian (at least in the few times in the last few years) and I believe this is because there is a certain expectation I have, especially towards Christians in authority (over me or whatever). There is a clear expectation mismatch (and only Christians lead to certain kinds of expectations that are jarring enough for the degree of expectation mismatch).
3. I was also insubordinate and churlish. Might have also been very mildly violent. So much for being in the army.

Actually, funnily enough, I think all 3 of the negative points for reflection all stemmed from one particular incident. Which funnily enough, I initiated the incident, against the advice of some other people for they thought it would lead to a particular outcome. I made the call to go ahead and then I got really triggered when it led to the particular outcome that I was warned of earlier.

What then?

I don't know man. I think I could have done it better. Been more loving and all that. Put down my ego more - avoid "power trips". Hmm. One part of me is just being stubborn and saying "yes, but I don't want to" - and I will deal with that part, by God's grace.

On the other hand, I think there is a certain validity in the desired/aimed end result. Which is to signal strongly, and maybe in some ways, it is a threat too. To not be a doormat and to push for change that I think would be beneficial (and not just selfishly beneficial).

Which is to say, the how I did it could have been improved even if the what remains the same. I think if I can master loving, unselfish, righteous anger then that would be ideal. And for sure there can be differences in opinion as to situations, and room for disagreement regarding that. The aim here is more limited - for my attitude to be loving and unselfish while being angry for a valid purpose. But this calls for intense self examination, for one's motivations are usually rather tangled and much effort needs to be expended to achieve clarity. To be angry correctly and righteously without blame though, wow, what tremendous character that would be. And how sick would that look.

I guess as a reflection on this (relatively rare) phenomena is that the anger usually dissipates quickly. Which is a good sign. And I generally harbour no hate towards the person. Although there is this distastefulness that lingers. And while there is no hate towards the person per se, there remains some sort of contempt for the person doing the particular role (which is sin and a huge sign of pride and again, I will deal with it, God willing - and/or God will deal with it, me willing). I suppose one step in the right direction for this would be to accept God instituted authority and still work well.

Bah. It is a long drawn process man and in this particular case, has been stewing for quite some years. And usually other forms of communication have been exhausted.

On a brighter mood, I think I have much better working relationships with just about everyone else. And I am less anxious. I think I am also doing my job better. Much to be thankful for.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:24 PM|

Sunday, November 24, 2019

[[A quick stocktake on life.]]

I have to write something before I book in, otherwise it doesn't feel like a book in.

time now is 1015pm 241119, we shall see when this gets posted.

Ok ive spent a bit of time whining and watching anand vs carlsen in gct tata steel rapid on agadmator.

I spent a few hours finding my boots and I was happy when I found it.

I think on the bright side, I don't have this insane amount of read that I had for some of the earlier ICTs, pre-ICT. This is a great improvement and I hope this ICT will turn out to be an enjoyable time!

Life wise, I guess i'm starting work in Jan, have some plans in december. Feels really quite weird, like transitioning into work work slightly later than my batchmates. I kinda dont wanna lose the freedom to like travel whenever I want (but then again, I hardly travelled this year since coming back from the ship. Am looking forward to learning new stuff at work and improving as a person. It is quite the transition! Having more money having less time .etc .etc.

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:37 PM|

Saturday, November 23, 2019

[[]]

YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL ENOUGH TO BE DIFFERENT!!!

[[I wrote this at]]*|1:16 AM|

Tuesday, November 5, 2019

[[]]

wohoo it is november and I haven't written my short story for the month of october! Anyway! This month promises to be a real God-given month and I'm rather, idk, apprehensive and excited to see where it will all lead. As have many a past month been!

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:45 AM|