[[How has been]]

Thursday, August 20, 2020

[[]]

I am so self absorbed it hurts my own head that I am so self absorbed.

And yet if I look on the bright side, I know how it is to be not self absorbed. About how good life can be. I know that this is not right, this isn't what ought. One ought not be thinking about what do I want, what do I lack, what can you give me all the time, or even most of the time, maybe just a small "some" of the time.

This self gratification is so unsatisfying. Exceedingly un-pleasurable. And so short lived. Ugh the price to pay for sins and turning away from God. I hope I remember this, but usually there is an excuse. An excuse I give myself to sin. Like oh such and such happened, I can reward myself by indulging some baser impulse. But bruh, it never is a reward. And the road back, though God is merciful and all, is distasteful.

But still! Learning and growing, in the long run, all is well all is well. And the future is bright. And the present is bright. First night of full sleep in a new place.

[[I wrote this at]]*|9:29 PM|

Sunday, August 16, 2020

[[]]

Hello everyone,

I think it is time for me to turn back to God. Also, I will not dread any job I am in. Life is too short to dread a large chunk of your time away like an idiot.

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:58 PM|

Wednesday, August 12, 2020

[[The day after tomorrow]]

Yknow what, I'm in quite a mood.

Quite eventful, army was, quite interesting some of the events and some of the choices and reactions.

I actually think overall I'm p satisfied. Though of course it could be better, way better.

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:57 PM|

Sunday, August 2, 2020

[[Customary pre-reservist post]]

I have reservist tomorrow. And I am sian. Cos it is reservist.

That being said, I think the dreading lead-up this year is a lot less intense than in previous years although the duration was about the same.

1. The opp cost is working rather than holidays, so the opp cost is alot less LOL.

2. This year's reservist is shorter

3. I dunno, I think the human issues are much better!

4. God is good. And other people too!

Yay. So comparatively speaking, even though feeling in the pits, I think comparatively speaking, less pits than last few years so it is kinda a win.

I was just thinking, in the future, say in another 5 years, I would have done my last reservist. Then what?

I mean it is not that I will look back fondly bla bla bla, though that might happen.

I'm just thinking what will provide this dread and this sadness and this sianness in my life after that. Like reservist, in making me dread and sian about it, actually does serve a very good grounding function. Like a counterpoint to a life going well. It reminds me that I cannot do whatever I want, it reminds me that my time is not mine, it reminds me that there are other things that can impose their will on me and I have to acquiesce.

It also yknow, refreshes kinda like my outlook on life and provides opportunity and time for sobering reflection. Nothing beats waking up at 3am to guard some ammunition from next to nobody because we are kinda in a guarded camp in making you reflect on what are you doing in your life.

I think all in all the feeling of some strong negative emotion is healthy and a good balance. And since reservist is cyclical and relatively short-lived, it achieves this function without weighing too heavily in my opinion.

Of course even though I'm describing all these as good things and I do really think it is, when you are in the doldrums it really sux donkey balls. Like how I couldn't enjoy the berlin philharmonic concert because I was just thinking about reservist coming. That was tragic and the feelings in themselves are unpleasant, very unpleasant.

But nothing light a good dose of unpleasantness to make you more thankful for the pleasantness I suppose.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:46 PM|