What ought?

 Have I become boring? I don't have anything deep and piercing. Nothing significant in a deeper sense happened. Nothing novel, daring.

I suppose I have been doing quite a lot of new things at work. But is it compartmentalised? 

Now I am seeing how you can apply such and such across somewhat disparate fields. Now I gain some efficiencies across some processes. Apply some concept somewhere slightly different. Improve on some reasonably good solution to be better. But... hmm. I dunno man, it doesn't feel as groundbreaking as whatever new I seemed to come across every other month. Nothing to write home about, if you get what I mean.

I was quite pleased with being able to log constant inputs in an excel field (same cell) in a list without using macros. But what is there to write about that? It was just like, some pretty logic. Pretty to me at least. Where is the deeper impact? Where is the transcendent meaning? 

It is quite unlike meeting new people and hearing their thoughts, on how to live life. On what to strive for. Or on what who and who has been reading and thinking of implementing. Or seeing someone lead some radically different life. Like a little child gallivanting across Europe by herself.

Work conversations are so... muted. I don't know is it the people or the environment. Probably both? Probably for good reason? But I feel it! I feel the inner... I don't know how to describe it. The inner seeking diminishing. Does it make sense? I feel my inner life is wilting. Not necessarily that I am struggling or in a soul deadening job. Far from it. I quite enjoy what I am doing and find meaning in it. But it is so... meaningfully un-challenging. That is not to say it is un-challenging or intellectually un-stimulating. But the... whys are quite unexplored. To borrow Daniel's critique - It is mostly about the how with the why always assumed. And there is rarely any pushback against any why proposed. Like it doesn't challenge the meaning.

I guess it is good that at least I feel it I guess, and I haven't made peace with it yet. To rage against what is, for I have tasted it can be.

Community is really another thing that is tough. With church problems - like 30% of those around my age leaving? But besides, church has never been much of a community to me at least. My church is very odd man. Maybe family too. Hmmm. Maybe I am asking too much. I always ask too much. But if I don't ask too much, you don't get much. And you make peace with some mediocre version and never imagine there can be more. And I don't want that. And my friends. Hmm. Feels kinda disparate yknow. And maybe this is the problem with my 1-1 model. But it feels disparate, really. I don't know any better alternative.

I know and can feel the eternity within my heart. And I think, my life, somewhat, by all external metrics, seems to be quite alright. But I am dissatisfied. And this really, I don't think, is some sort of perfectionism or chronic discontentment. But it is, I think, some sort of knowing this isn't it - it can be better. It can be deeply and fundamentally better. And this isn't a matter of degree, this is a matter of type change. Like I am not hiamming oh my family should spend one more hour together each week doing something I like or church should bla bla bla more. Or that I should OT 1 hour less. Or something to that effect. It is a fundamental shift that I know should be. And even more, maybe it should be in me, before all else. But it is much easier to work on degree change than type change. Can always just do more of the same, some slight optimisation here and there. But fundamental change? Man that is not that easyy. Can degree change aggregate to type change? Possible I suppose, maybe we shall see.

Maybe it is the sense of wonder. That is being muted. So much for laughing at vcf all the time when they keep pushing these kinda things. But I see that, man, where is the "beholding the sense of wonder"? 

And wow, there is this gap that allows me to come up with this. Which is rare. Like, theres so many stupid shit I must do in gaps before I reach this stage. The clearing all leftover items stage. The self destructive/needy stage. The exhausting the self-destructive/needy. Then some sort of reading/learning stage. Then some consolidation in written form.

I feel like my reflections are now more... wow. more shaped by my environment. As much as you try to shape the environment, the environment shapes you. I guess that only means you need to pick good environment. I am quite malleable? I think? At least in the good stuff, I hope.

I read abit in my past. Thought back on some memories. Man I like the old me. I like the now me too. But man I really like some parts of the old me. And I'm sure old me has accounted for it, to some degree, in going forward to now me. Did I count wrongly? Maybe, like how I miscounted getting a first class, but not by much. I guess past me had faith that now me would find some way... 

It feels so hard to, work towards something lasting. Everything so... impermanent. Not even for like... a year. In a year so much changes. Work relationships are so transient. Urk. How do you see what people be when all you see is what they do?

LETS NOT BE SATISFIED WITH THAT WHICH SHOULDN'T SATISFY!!!!!!!!!