What ought?

I think i've managed to crawl to the state where I am displeased with how I am living. Or maybe displeased is too strong a word. But is when the mind becomes clearer and theres this urge to live life very intentionally and not WASTE MY TIME on earth.

To be honest, I think very few people, as outside observers, would think that I am wasting my time. Days are packed and not with the frivolous. But well, I have let my standards drop too much. Life must be lived, taken seriously and with all effort. The world's standards are too low, too lame. This life is not my own to squander on trifles.

Good is also, plausibly the enemy of great. Too much good things and then you have no space of great things.

I think I also excused myself a bit too much due to certain extenuating circumstances in the past. Lets wait a bit, see how this turns out, keep options open. But yeah, so living such a distracted and boring life. The thing about these extenuating circumstances is that it lies to me that I am "owed" some "rest" or whatever, some time to while away, due to some "traumä" or equivalent.

Oh well, write a blog post send some texts is still too low a bar. Declaring that you want to do the thing is not doing the thing. 

Where is the disciplined intentional life? Wow, I really quite like my present self, and my past self. At times there is clarity, and like, life seems so obvious. I think it is really a gift from God to break out of the cocoon that many people live in. That I am wont to retreat into as it is comfortable, like a slow boil from the fires of hell. It is a real gift from God, and not through any merit of my own.

No waste time! No waste life! Frenetic! But controlled.

The decision making process is really so key to a person's life. And what decisions are not even considered, being slightly more meta, is even more important, arguably. I should follow my own advices to the young and dumb! For I am still young and dumb.