[[How has been]]

Wednesday, November 4, 2026

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Recent happenings have made me annoyed at myself.

And i'm annoyed at myself because of how I did certain things.

Annoyed that I was not as happy as I could be because I could be better at sports. Wow that was a cumbersome sentence. Annoyed because I wasn't happy at losing in sports. I mean I was happy to play, but I would have liked to win. Actually this is quite a recurring theme for me. Possibly even a theme of my life.

If generalised past sports to "I want to win" in general which leads to discontent, this is nothing new and everyone wants to win and the root is pride and it is wrong.

It is particularly insidious for me, I think, because "I want to win" is not wrong, possibly even good. Most of the time I'm win enough and am quite happy. When I don't win enough and am not happy, it is good to want to improve. But I shouldn't be discontent, and yet I'm discontent. Actually I'm quite sure what I felt is erring on the side of being discontent and not just would have liked to win. But the thing is also I'm not gonna train to win (at that level). I'm so weird, brain is wrong.

I think also, that I could have been more loving in a work interaction, though technically, I think nothing wrong. Was one of those situations where I think I was pride driven though, technically, I'm quite sure an outsider would find it hard to fault me. Maybe a guilty conscience. I don't like it when I am like that - don't think it is right.

Maybe also it is too hot to sleep.

Maybe also I ate too much before sleeping and should order like, 20% less than what I think I should.

I don't like it when my happiness is dependent on external situations though. It is always nice to win and all. I also think if sports is an identity, it is quite a lame identity in the 30s as a salaryman, it defo shouldn't be a core identity or anywhere near. AND YET why am I annoyed?

[[I wrote this at]]*|4:10 AM|

Sunday, October 18, 2026

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Do you reckon Africa as a continent would be better if the governments just granted independence more liberally and cast off their colonially drawn borders into like, more ethnic based borders? Well I suppose it is kind of already happening but the process is so long and involves a lot of bloodshed and the foreigners don't make it easier. Maybe a strongman could seize power and give up power, every country needs someone willing to do that for the greater good eh.

Seems sad to me that other countries can't get their act together (in the sense of corruption and all that). But it is really none of my business.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:26 PM|

Tuesday, October 13, 2026

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I need to pull my head out of the gutter.

This desiringGod article tells me to linger in the Bible. But I really don't, I read it quickly, especially during the morning commute, somewhat guarded time but not really lingering because there are words to read and chapters to finish and Ezekiel's description of the temple is really not what I care about nor know how to interpret well.

When I remember, it is like breaking the water from drowning in an ocean to breathe, where one tries to gulp in air and trashes about to survive. But under the waves it is not oppressive water that fills your lungs making it hard to breathe but a cocoon. It isn't heaven, not anywhere close, but it is comfortable enough and entertaining enough that you can postpone leaving to continue the journey in the cold outside just for a bit more. So I forget and I stay and then I remember and trash for awhile and then I forget and stay. Like a guy with bipolar or split personality.

This isn't sustainable, and worse, I'm wasting life that is a gift from God.

And I know it can be so much better.

Actually it is just very simple, there is not so much to think about, not so much to work through, no "hill to get past" before one can start living. Just live in the here and now, and I already know it. Now to do it.

Anyway Japan was alright, clocked my 1 multi day hike a year. I am thankful for the weather that didn't rain as much as we thought it would.

I suppose I'm supposed to have some reflections but I'm in a cocoon that is comfortable but not right. I can feel the not rightness acutely, in my head, the back of my head.

What profound thoughts do I have? It is all the same, nothing new under the sun. Facing old demons, annoyed at old weaknesses, a blast from the past.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:28 PM|

Sunday, October 11, 2026

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Just got back from Japan for the yearly hike with Christaboss. It was good. I really must delete handphone games and sit with the boredom. Everytime I forget it I throw like a good 10-30 hours away before realising I am wasting my life away on cisterns that never satisfy and thus delete the game.

I would like to write some reflections, or some thoughts. I think I have been slightly wandering.

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:40 PM|

Monday, September 21, 2026

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Rolling for traits in epic stickman is quite interesting.

You have 5 traits, they are rated, stereotypically from F to SS. The chance of getting SS is 0.08%, S is 0.19% and A is 0.52%, B is 4.72% and highest chance is E with 37.8% .... Only 6/9 of the traits are useful. Only 1/5 of "type" of traits are wanted (basically theres 5 types and some types have synergistic stuff that are quite key). Basically, let's say I want 5 SS useful traits of which 3 are "dragon" 2 are "elves" or "whatever" [5 classes] or something like that. The chance of getting one trait that meets that would be 0.08*.66*.2*0.01 which is very small.

The best part is the rolling mechanic which seems quite non-standard gacha to me. Basically instead of rolling and deciding whether you want to keep or not, the gacha has you roll what you currently have, allowing you to "lock" certain slots for traits that you confirm want S and you want to roll for "SS" you will unlock it and roll forever (becoming weaker in the process) until you get a useful SS of the type that you want or running out of rerolls. Furthermore, the more traits you lock, the more it costs to reroll and it scales thus - all 5 unlocked, 5 "coins", each locked, = + 5 coins.

Of course, if I have 3 "dragon" A traits and some S level useful traits, i would be much stronger than a mishmash of crap in a random roll. And, being stronger will allow you to get coins faster (lets ignore all the rest). Lets say that being stronger scales somewhat linearly with how much coins you get per unit time.

Well the question obviously then is how to best optimise getting to all useful ss traits with 3 dragon? Let me ask Gemini.

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:37 PM|

Wednesday, September 16, 2026

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There must be more than working hard and ending up "above average" at work.

Would you give up forever as per "Iris"? Why is humanity drawn to giving up forever?

I feel it though.

This was supposed to be a thoughtful piece but the gen zs would say head empty; but head actually not empty. Head full, poor structuring of disparate data and weak attempt and forming thoughts into words, much less sentences, much less coherent sentences.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:28 PM|

Sunday, September 6, 2026

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Today I found out that theres a setting that I can set on my pixel that can block an app after an allotted time has been reached. I have set a 30 minutes limit on instagram, but meta being dopamine-manipulating piece of shit meta, obviously doesn't want you to shut off their app so the limit is pretty much buggy and full of holes. Well, today I turned on my phone to look for instagram and I couldn't click in to it a few times. And I was very pleased, although of course I was like quite confused, like, where's my usual cheap dopamine shot. This intentional friction seems very important to people who lack self control. So hopefully this opens up more brainwidth that can be used to do better things. How dare meta hijack my brain and degrade the impulse control!! On a side note I really dislike meta as a company and think that it is quite sad that a large amount of the original value that facebook had is totally gone. Yknow it might be time to bring back the stuff that facebook killed, like friendster.

Anyway, I've been listening to some music, and music is good if you truly listen to it, maybe less good if it is just background.

Previously I have said my main aim is to be. Also, the main aim has to be like Jesus since, well, I profess belief in Christianity. Yknow, maybe now is a good time to relook this. I think I have been somewhat on autopilot for a bit. And autopilot doesn't lead to a life well lived.... I think.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:39 PM|

Wednesday, September 2, 2026

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I want to thrive in the 30s. As much as I have thrived thus far, if not more. For what is there to live life but thrive?

How to thrive in the 30s?

How to thrive at all?

Ok I think I will thrive, it has been decided then!

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:19 PM|

Monday, August 31, 2026

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In other news, I am quite convinced that I am quite acerbic as a person. Am not convinced that I should not be acerbic though it means that I occasionally am quite difficult to be around.

In other news, I think it is quite interesting to be me. I must caveat that I don't really know how it is like to be others but I have tried quite hard to find others like me but hmm... I don't really find many, arguably any. And the worse thing, arguably, is theres no archetype that I can find that fits.

Perhaps I should try to condense the things that I think make it a "rare" combination.

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:46 PM|

Sunday, August 23, 2026

[[Nitpicking on the new city catechism]]

Today my church read from the new city catechism: Since we are redeemed by grace alone, through Christ alone, must we still do good works and obey God’s Word?

And the answer was: Yes, because Christ, having redeemed us by his blood, also renews us by his Spirit; so that our lives may show love and gratitude to God; so that we may be assured of our faith by the fruits; and so that by our godly behavior others may be won to Christ.

Unthinkly I agree with it. Even thinkingly I agree with the spirit of it.

But I'm feeling pedantic after some thought and find that it is worded a bit funny, possibly inaccurately.

So the first thought is, what does "must" here mean? Generally speaking, the common idea of "must" would be "must" for salvation, which would be kind of an obvious reading. But here it clearly says salvation is by grace alone through Christ alone and not from good works and (arguably) obedience to God's Word. I must sound a little bit catholic but I find this arbitrary distinction potentially runs into issues. The "must" here is also not to be sinless, for obvious reasons.

I also find it very odd to say we "must" still do good works and obey God's word. Is this must a moral imperative must? if so then it is arguably a bit of a by definition right, since it is "good" works in the moral sense, we are saying morally, we must do good. which is, um obvious? Unless it is trying to draw a distinction between must do good and NOT just be a vegetable or neutral.

I briefly browsed the rest of new city and there were only two other mentions of "must" in "why must Jesus be man" and "why must Jesus be God" and it both cases it gave some reason as to why he can work salvation.

Maybe the word "must" is very imprecise without something behind it to explain the "must" i.e why must the redeemer be fully human to redeem humanity or something like that.

This other two usage of the word "must" is also very... I dunno I find it very odd to say that Jesus "must" be man after the fact that Jesus is already man. Like are we saying the counterfactual could not happen (i.e Jesus could not, in all possible worlds, be not fully human)? If so... is there value in that? And if so, I dunno... does the argument hold in all possible worlds (at risk of sounding heretical, I actually don't see why not)?

Ok back to the main question. so what is it saying that we "must do good works and obey God's word? The answer says "yes" i.e "yes we must" and then provides 3 reasons which is lives may show love and gratitude, be assured of faith and win others to Christ. So... In other words, new city catechism is saying that we "must" do good works and obey God's word SO THAT we can show love and gratitude, be assured of faith and win others to Christ. Does that come across as slightly odd? it comes across as slightly odd to me in that "since we are redeemed by grace alone, through Christ alone, we must do good works and obey God's word to achieve these 3 other things" So... these 3 other things are... on a roughly equal level as being redeemed? Or they are so obviously things that are good in and of themselves?

It's like... since we are paid by the hours we clock alone, must we still work hard? Yes, because hard work shows love and gratitude to our employer, we may be assured of our value in society and helps to advertise the company.

Quite the non-sequitur no?

My second thought is that... if the 3 are suggesting alternate non-redemption / salvation reasons. Are those 3 the actual reason(s) why we "must" do good works and obey God's law?

I dunno, it seems to me that the moral answer: "As Christians we are still under God's moral law and have to obey it". Is a valid answer to the "must"

Another potential answer, and one that I would personally prefer is "as a result of having been saved and transformed by the holy spirit, we obey God's Word and do God's law" (point here that it is out of being rather than for any external reasons, although, the external reasons are very important and valuable things to have). Of course this is a slightly odd way to answer a must question. So maybe the better question (to which it can be my preferred answer) can be: "Are Christians still required to do good works and obey God’s Word?" and the full answer will be "Christians are not required to do good works and obey God's Word for salvation but having been saved and transformed... "

Or if you wanna keep the original answer, "What benefits come from doing good works and obeying God's Word given it does not lead to salvation?"

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:57 PM|