What ought?
Hmm. It is unfortunate that it takes so much effort to read and write, or even engage with what garlica is talking about after he reads and writes. Given revenue games, I feel like I have been working for 12 days consecutive and I am exceedingly tired. Work has also been very tiring because I am actually try hard to produce something and facing some difficulties in producing it. Not to mention that it is rather sian to knock work out of the park. On the bright side, this tiredness seems to have snapped some distasteful things. On the down side, I injured my heel On the up side, it is mostly recovered. I am rambling. Think I should read the Bible pray and sleep.
Hmmm. So i decided to cut out playing armorgames or neopets or any sort of game in order to use the time better. Honestly on relatively free days, I spend maybe 2 hours on these things or maybe even more. So it is designed so that I can be bored and actually use the time productively, trying to tackle one the largest 'waste' of my time. But I have found that it is very hard. And this coincided with me not planning much things on Christmas / New Years, and suddenly I had a rich abundance of free time that I wanted to spend with other. But others were occupied. And then, guess I felt a bit sad. But yeah I suppose it is lack of forward planning on my part and assuming that select people will be spontaneous. Anyway the larger point is that it is very hard, to replace this large block of activity. This large block of activity serves two purposes: 1. It is low energy, low willpower, easy to do. (This is as opposed to something like writing a blog post which is high energy) 2. It gives a sense of long term accomplishment when I see number go up 3. It doesn't take that much bandwidth (in most situations, although many times there is a cost for number go up optimally) As such, it is like "cheap meaning", low energy for some feeling of meaning. This value proposition is quite unbeatable, which is why it has persisted for so long - it is a pseudo productive activity. So when I am bored, what are the natural substitutes? It is like low energy, low willpower things. But most of these have even lower levels of meaning, i.e essentially none. These would be things like watching anime or youtube or playing around with gen ai or social media. Since stopping those games, my youtube / insta reels consumption has jumped.up quite a bit. And when i partake in such activities, I find them exceedingly hollow and want to find something more exciting, and thats not good. Exciting activities for me is a very very sharp double edged sword which generally is bad for me. It feels like playing a low cost game like neopets is really the best I can do with the amount of existing energy because the natural alternatives are worse. It is like the lesser evil. Well, of course the alternative is to infuse ALOT of willpower and try an unnatural alternative to make it natural by building a new habit. But the alternatives are all a lot costlier in energy. Things like reading / writing / playing piano ... even like going out intentionally to do some activity. There seems to be no... easy intermediate step. This gap is HUGE and I dunno if I have that much willpower. What a shitty predicament. Because it also took a reasonable amount of willpower to stop playing the games. This is truly a local peak that seems very hard to escape. I think in theory escape it I must. I won't be pleased if I am a very rich neopian in 10 years though I might try to bluff myself that I am. I suppose there are some reasonable intermediate steps, like sleeping earlier. I.e just drain the energy into something useful and then sleep earlier but this also runs into problems like not feeling like sleeping yet and such. Hmmmmmm. should i just go back to playing? obvious answer is no right. But otherwise I do worse things naturally. Hmmmmmmm.
I really wanna not waste time. But it is so hardddd. There seems to always be this need, within my life, to strive for some form of progress, some tangible visible form. And well it can come out in many ways, but most notably in some sort of long-timeframe game where progress is made incrementally over time and i as the player, improve. But its a freaking itch!!! I cannot leh, while I like my brain that is not hooked on it, I feel like my free time just gravitates towards it. I can try to replace it with less time consuming forms, like neopets or what, but it is so hard to break. If only following God gives me a tangible growth bar, i'd minmax the shit out of it. But well, arguably, there is la, I just don't do it.
Some spoilers ahead, of the book. Quite a marathon book I reckon, spans almost a century. I wanted to write down some thoughts about the book. Lets try a character review! Hoonie's parents - just typical laobaixin that are meant to be liked (as a character) because they are hardworking and suffer, although a bit less than most because they are hardworking and sensible. I think their story is kinda beautiful and kinda typical. Tbh, I have no good reference frame what is typical rural life in the late 1800s in Korea, but it is what I assume to be typical - a simple, beautiful life with a good deal of hardship and joy woven in. To my city life, that seems like a reasonable life to lead. Modern toilets, aircon and modern amenities do not lead to much joy, imo. Just some sort of comfortableness and who needs comfort? The other thing that was stark was the number of children dying. Which I suppose is modern and we live in a world where we kinda take for granted that most children born = children living. Probably a relatively recent phenomena / historical anomaly. I liked that they found Hoonie a wife even though he probably isn't standard husband material. Hoonie - Cool dude. Love it that the disabled dude does well on his own strength and character. Pretty realistic death too. Also always nice that he loves his kid in an era where it is probably rare to love your kid, especially daughter? Yangjin (Hoonie's wife) - Well interesting backstory and like hardworking lady. Doesn't really seem to make much choices, probably mirroring the low autonomy that women have in that era even though in theory she spanned like, the whole story pretty much. Great that she took in the siblings, quite a product of her times and I suppose women suffer. So at least she seems to suffer well. Sunja (Hoonie's daughter) - Well arguably she is main character. I suppose first part about her romance with Koh Hansu, reminds me of young love. Fun and like secretive and all. Thereafter, thought that the shame that she felt showed some moral character and her hardline on not wanting to be a mistress. Thereafter, the marriage to Isak and all is like pretty much out of her hands, though it is great that she became a Christian (well, I am a Christian so... I think it is great for everyone to become a Christian - even fictional characters?). Think she demonstrates pretty good resourcefulness and character throughout and manages the family reasonably well, even though perhaps I wouldn't mind engaging Koh Hansu a bit more, like finding a working relationship instead of this no better alternative. What's wrong with a working alternative leh... And like, probably can tell the truth to the kids when young. And like, at the end, probably, I dunno, write to Noa instead of springing a surprise chat on him. Though I suppose, pretty understandable for a mother who has missed her child for many years. Well good la work hard, but idk, is hard work at low value added stuff the only thing that you are good for? Why not add some networking and community and faith or education or whatnot? Whats with this self sufficient ideal that.. where does it come from? Isak (Sunja's husband) - well quite a Jesus archetype. Nothing much to say actually. of course I think dying for one's faith and, even marrying someone in shame, sacrificially are good things. Interesting exposition of Hosea to justify marrying Sunja. Not that I think it is wrong, but you must be quite somebody to think of it that way. I suppose, in a similar way, I thought it would be better if he told Noa his birth story. Koh Hansu (Noa's birth father with Sunja before she married Isak) - Interesting character. I thought it was quite a good portrayal of a relatively "street-smart" successful guy looks like. It does actually seem like he tried quite hard to be a good guy but well, when your God is money and power, how good can you be? I dunno, I suppose he adds a lot of flavour to the story because he is the one guy outside of their poor korean social class and all that, even though it is through morally dubious means. Otherwise the whole story will just be poor people interacting with poor people and nobody reads that shit because, that shit happens all the time. It is the poor's dream to interact with the rich which is why those romance novels about a CEO noticing plain ole jane always fly off the shelves. Ok that aside... I suppose he played his hand very shrewdly and I suppose quite a principled gangster. I thought we didn't get to see enough of his yakuza side though, only had that beating of the retarded prostitute, which was actually presented in a way that seemed quite sensible. I do also think, regarding noa, he pretty much did the best he could, short of just telling him the truth which would have gone against sunja's wishes. Yoseb (Isak's brother) - I thought he is really an interesting character. I would disagree with him on not letting the women work, though perhaps that is the product of my times where women working is very normal. IN THIS ECONOMY all the women work. So i suppose the chauvinistic part is understandable. Well I suppose it is nice to want to provide for your family, but he seems to not be very rational or good at math when he obviously is unable to fully provide even given how hard he works. Some weird coping mechanisms and all, some i dunno, half-committed faith, though very understandable, given the circumstances. I like how he asked kim changho to marry kyunghee after he died though, good awareness and well, future thinking. Kyunghee (Yoseb's wife) - Well seems like a nice woman, and always good to be pretty, in life? At least didn't get attacked for being pretty which, I half-expected tbh. And well I suppose she tries and mostly succeeds to be a good wife. I dunno how hard it is to be a good wife for a person born into a rich korean family because im not female, not rich, and not korean, and not in the right time period, but I think it is probably quite hard. Glad that she serves faithfully and keeps her faith, nonetheless... maybe could have taken a chance on kim changho, would have been fun and cute, and not particularly wrong given that yoseb gave his blessing but ok principled way is also totally fine, arguably commendable. Kim Changho (Manager of restaurant where Kyunghee and Sunja works at and also employee of Koh Hansu) - Well seems like he just found a good way to earn money working for da yakuza boss without being violent. I liked that he love Kyunghee from a distance and all, so romantic and principled. Ah unrequited love is exquisite. Dunno why he decided to go back to north korea. I think in hindsight, probably insane to go back but at that time it might have seemed like a good decision? Idk. Noa (Son of Sunja and Koh Hansu) - I thought his life could give some insight into the life of adopted kids. Always good to be smart and hardworking. I think culturally, of course I wouldn't have made such a big deal over my bloodline being tainted by being son of koh hansu. Firstly, you don't choose your parents. Secondly, you were well loved by Isak. Thirdly, whats wrong with koh hansu (ok maybe i don't see the yakuza for being as bad as they are). Even if he were like a bad man outside, he isn't bad to you and arguably very good to you. Could have shrewdly played both sides and end up like koh hansu. Could have shrewdly played both sides and end up like isak too. No reason to get all defeatist about it... The other inexplicable decision was killing himself. When I read it I thought it was very odd a choice, but the chapter did foreground it quite a bit. Then I thought about it, and thought that yeah, given the narrative and who they portray him to be, offing himself is probably the logical decision that he had already made prior to sunja surprise meeting him. But man of many contradictions, I dunno how he can hold so many identities into himself and attempt to keep them separate. And clearly doesn't know Jesus, for if he were a Christian he would know that his birth father doesn't define him and that he has a new family and so on. Mozasu (Son of Sunja and Isak) - Brawny dude compared to Noa the brainy dude. Caught a lucky break with goro, his boss. Did well for himself, found a niche that he was good at, after many tries and being rejected at school and all. Became rich and tried to provide for his son, mother, grandmother, aunt .etc. as best as he could. Tbh, I don't really get the social stigma behind pachinko too (much like yakuza). I suppose it is a "dirty business" but well, he seems to have done it relatively cleanly. Also seems to have non-trivial faith. Yumi (Mozasu's wife) - Died young, dunno whats the obsession with USA about, I don't have a very high view of USA so I don't really relate or understand. Rough to die young after having gone through so much and succeeding but I thought it is a very good point that such is the norm actually. For every person that grits through, there are many others with the same unfortunate circumstances that drop along the way, even very close to success. They also have a very cute romance. Ah, well. Stuff for younger people I suppose. Haruki (Mozasu's friend) - Got bullied and became a detective? Very interesting, my feel is that most bullied kids don't actually become detective / police officers because of something about authority and such but well, this is a work of fiction. And there was this very weird part about his wife exploring sex and finding out he was paying people to suck him off. Which well, I suppose, real stuff, but there was like no point to it. But that in itself was also good, for it to be included in the story, since it adds to the realism and all. Also his friendship with Mozasu survived quite a long time which is nice. If you didn't realise, all the other characters up to now seem to have no friends, which I think is sole-family as relationships which is... I dunno, I find it arguably not enough. Totoyama (Haruki's mother) - Here we have another rags to riches, lucky break, hardworking feel good story where she becomes relatively rich after Goro used her as his uniform supplier - link is unclear whether Goro intentional knew of her and tried to help her. Thereafter, seems to be an able businesswoman and scrimps and saves to take care of her special needs kids but then dies after arranging the marriage for Haruki and well, maybe she should have read "dying with 0" cos seems like she died with far too much lol. But I suppose such is a mother, trying to sacrifice for her children, especially those with special needs. And worrying about them. Normal and arguably good stuff that she does. After that there were some other characters like Solomon (Mozasu and Yumi's son), Hana (Solomon's stepsister and, uh, fuck buddy?), Etsuko. Those were first world problems mostly which reflects Japan's post WW2 boom. While more relatable to some degree, because I also first world problems, I don't really connect to those characters as while the world becomes more familiar, the characters become less familiar.
Let me get a quick post in because it is late in the month and I'm not about to let my once a month streak break for no reason. Writing letters is taking up quite a bit of my writing energy lol. Like I only have so much focused time to spend on writing stuff and then it takes up quite a lot of time and competes against this poor ole blog. Anyway, life is pretty good. I had something else I wanted to write about but I forgot. Let me work on my pachinko post. I guess.
Hmm, what do i wanna write about? Interesting life I have right now and I guess i'm really thankful to God that my days are full and generally pleasant. But that being said, this is life and I suppose I am still not one to be content with being content for some reason. I'm happy with being content but i'm not content to just be content, if that makes sense. Like I don't wanna stop striving or at least trying hard for future improvements even though life is now pretty good. So.. honestly speaking what are the things that can be improved on in my life? An equally honest reflection would reveal that almost everything can be improved. But perhaps that is not a particularly useful answer. I am quite pleased with some progress I've made actually. I dunno how much more progress I like to make, at a pace that is ideal for chasing too much progress is also not ideal because there are tradeoffs to chasing said progress which might make it not progress in other areas (such as being contented). Hmmm... I just had a thought that my niece is like an LLM, kinda like drawing wrong inferences by putting patterns together in a best guess but without knowing more or grasping at true reality. And then I thought that that is a fundamental flaw in LLMs where they do not have any grasp of true reality and all they are doing are just best guesses. And then I thought that perhaps that is maybe not the problem, and that all knowledge are just best guesses at the moment. In that sense, how is the sum of human knowledge, inferior to that of an LLM? And the answer is that is because the sum of human knowledge is that which is used to gauge and test the LLM by. But regarding truth claims, man. If you take a more skeptical view of epistemology, the LLM could be as good a guess as any human brain, both in the sense of mapping that to truth, and to human known / deemed truth. Well I suppose I'm not getting at anything in particular. There is no big "so what", as with taking an overly skeptical position in Hume. Bla bla bla, nobody knows anything or the truth and yet the world goes on because everyone acts like they do, so it is (probably) a waste of time. What is life for? To glorify God and enjoy him for ever. But that is very vague. What does glorifying God and enjoying him forever entail? Say, slightly more scoped to on this side of mortality. And say slightly more scoped to living in Singapore, and say slightly more scoped to my life? There are lots of things that can be said, probably no wrong-statements like more thankfulness, more humility. all the virtues so on so forth. But it doesn't drilldown to anything specific. How do you be more thankful? And how does that look like in life holistically more than just a paper exercise, like reflect and be thankful. Well maybe for thankfulness paper exercises function like a physical exercise in that it might build muscle (brain muscle?) memory or actually habits. But is it really about just trying to build more good virtuous habits... Maybe it is, maybe it is.
I was reading this book, careless people, and wondering dang these go-getters, the sky really is the limit. I guess it is the initial feeling of you can really do whatever you set your mind to. But on a more critical reading, everyone is selling a story. And tbh, it does seem like this writer is really writing with an agenda. But tbh, I read with an agenda too, that is not very kind to billionaires, especially from facebook, who, in my opinion, has created something both very beautiful and very very ugly at the same time while becoming crazy rich from it. So the sky is the limit, set goals high, chase after them relentlessly, is good but the high goals shouldn't be the high goals of society but of what you yourself believe (ideally Christ) and they should include certain higher level high goals like say, social time with friends, health .etc. THEN FULL THROTTLE AHEAD. well and good, if fail just say they were in the goals anyway, an unbreakable strategy. Ok just post this first while I work on something else.
[[To be]]
[[The Story Thus]]
|January 2008|February 2008|March 2008|April 2008|May 2008|June 2008|July 2008|August 2008|September 2008|October 2008|November 2008|December 2008|January 2009|February 2009|March 2009|April 2009|May 2009|June 2009|July 2009|August 2009|September 2009|October 2009|November 2009|December 2009|January 2010|February 2010|March 2010|April 2010|May 2010|June 2010|July 2010|August 2010|September 2010|October 2010|November 2010|December 2010|January 2011|February 2011|March 2011|April 2011|May 2011|June 2011|July 2011|August 2011|September 2011|October 2011|November 2011|December 2011|January 2012|February 2012|March 2012|April 2012|May 2012|June 2012|July 2012|August 2012|September 2012|October 2012|November 2012|December 2012|January 2013|February 2013|March 2013|April 2013|May 2013|June 2013|July 2013|August 2013|September 2013|October 2013|November 2013|December 2013|January 2014|February 2014|March 2014|April 2014|May 2014|June 2014|July 2014|August 2014|September 2014|October 2014|November 2014|December 2014|January 2015|February 2015|March 2015|April 2015|May 2015|June 2015|July 2015|August 2015|September 2015|October 2015|November 2015|December 2015|January 2016|February 2016|March 2016|April 2016|May 2016|June 2016|July 2016|August 2016|September 2016|October 2016|November 2016|December 2016|January 2017|February 2017|March 2017|April 2017|May 2017|June 2017|July 2017|August 2017|September 2017|October 2017|November 2017|December 2017|January 2018|February 2018|March 2018|April 2018|May 2018|June 2018|July 2018|August 2018|September 2018|October 2018|November 2018|December 2018|January 2019|February 2019|March 2019|April 2019|May 2019|June 2019|July 2019|August 2019|September 2019|October 2019|November 2019|December 2019|January 2020|February 2020|March 2020|April 2020|May 2020|June 2020|July 2020|August 2020|September 2020|October 2020|November 2020|December 2020|January 2021|February 2021|March 2021|April 2021|May 2021|June 2021|July 2021|August 2021|September 2021|October 2021|November 2021|December 2021|January 2022|February 2022|March 2022|April 2022|May 2022|June 2022|July 2022|August 2022|September 2022|October 2022|November 2022|December 2022|January 2023|February 2023|March 2023|April 2023|May 2023|June 2023|July 2023|August 2023|September 2023|October 2023|November 2023|December 2023|January 2024|February 2024|March 2024|April 2024|May 2024|June 2024|July 2024|August 2024|September 2024|October 2024|November 2024|December 2024|January 2025|February 2025|March 2025|April 2025|May 2025|June 2025|July 2025|August 2025|September 2025|October 2025|November 2025|December 2025|January 2026
[[The Talk (also silent)]]
[[The Ancients]]