[[How has been]]

Monday, March 25, 2024

[[On leaving church]]

Hmm, I would like to write this as a properly structured thought piece. But I'm not confident in putting in the effort to achieve that. We shall see how it goes.

So, let's list some things that I take to be facts:

1. It was a decision made by me to leave church

2. The decision was not forced or coerced in any way (as far as I can tell)

3. I am actually not of the opinion that I need to leave church right at this moment, yet I made it

Well the above is just to establish personal responsibility for the decision.

4. My church (I haven't left yet, though soon) is not heretical. As far as I can tell, it is a true church of Christ.

Some people might say that the only reason to leave a church is if the church is heretical. In that case then, I think you are wrong. But well, pls go ahead and stay in your church (or more likely you will find reasons to call your church heretical perhaps?)

5. My church has many weaknesses (to the surprise of absolutely no one) and some strengths

Of course there is no perfect church. But within the bar of churches, there are probably churches that will be better received by Christ, and churches that are less well received by Christ. This is a fact right? I think Paul's letters demonstrate it quite clearly and not to mention Revelations as well.

6. Some of the weaknesses of my church are not the "fault" of anyone. They just are.

Well assigning blame is tricky, and I don't even think it is necessary to do so.

7. Given the particular weaknesses and strengths of my church and my particular strengths and weaknesses and inclinations, I don't think I will flourish long term in the church

8. I want to flourish long term, in a church

9. The decision to leave is thus prudent as I believe it will help me to achieve 8.

10. I could choose not to leave now, but I would have to decide whether to leave again.

In fact, I have chosen not to leave many times when the decision came up, whether triggered by conversations with friends, other people leaving the church .etc.

11. My conscience is clear in choosing to leave

Of course, God is the one who finally judges, not myself, or any other person offering advice, solicited or otherwise.

12. I've also spoke to many friends, whom I think, also have the Holy Spirit and some amount of wisdom in them. And it seems right (or at least, not wrong) to them to leave.

13. I've also spoke to many people in my church, and I think, by and large, no one disagrees with my reasons for leaving although many wish I would stay to "help" the church.

14. It appears to me that I can and should "help" or rather contribute to whichever church I am in, and assuming I don't join a non-church, I will contribute to my new church whatever I could in my old too.

How to "calculate" whether I can contribute more or less is very complicated, but I think this shouldn't be utilitarian anyway. At the least, I would think it offsets roughly equally.

15. I tried my best to leave well.

Well there is a lot further to unpack. Perhaps for some other time.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:25 PM|

Wednesday, February 21, 2024

[[]]

I saw somewhere on instagram that if I had 4 lives I'd marry you in 3.

We could be both successful in one. We could be envied by many. We could be grand. We could challenge each other to conquer the next bound. And conquer the next bound we would. We could achieve 50% of our dreams, which is alot. We could lead very tired lives, hustling and chasing, and occasionally catching. We could win. Like I always wanted. And we would want to win more, and we would win more.

We could try to balance things, trade some success for some ostensibly lesser goals. But with the same fury of determination with which to pursue. If we do it well, we could be happily married. We could see each other, tired at night. We could go on luxurious trips, not too long because there are always things to be done, but they would be really fun. A good break. And we could always look forward to the next because there is no shortage of money, only of time.

We could enjoy the finer things in life. But not like the masses. (But actually like the masses, of rich people). Buy quality stuff, not flashy. Eat healthy. Buy things without looking at the price. We could answer "I'm comfortable" to "How much do you earn/have?". We could do some actual tax planning. We could donate to causes that are important to us. We could go skiing once a year and surfing once a year (6 months apart). We could become sophisticated investors, or just pay someone to invest for us.

We could be pleased with each other, sharpen each other. We could have other friends that win, and make jokes about other people that do not win being not smart enough, not hardworking enough. We could trade money for time, and time for money (but at a higher rate). We could be the type that the uncle or aunties want their children to grow up to be. We could buy thoughtful gifts for one another, and make time for each other, all the more valued because it is scarce. We could pick up dressing well and polite laughter.

We could retire early. And maybe pick up tennis (because golf is lame). And watch formula 1 in person, and Wimbledon too. And collect people and host dinner parties without that many guests.

We could elope to the moon in one. Raise children. Maybe learn how to sing, through trial and error, maybe learn some instruments. We could also dance in the rain and take long walks. We could be middle income and happy, and wealthy in time. We could play more frisbee and badminton. Maybe be really quite fit, functionally fit not the fit that comes through the gym.

We could take road trips with kids in tow. We could reconcile with our families. We could budget travel the world. And go on lovely long hikes and get lost once in awhile. We could learn new languages, maybe build apps for fun, or pottery. We could do a triathlon. We could spend time together reading our own books in the same room, you in Chinese, me in not-chinese. We could tell each other the plots and imagine ourselves in the stories, somewhat away from reality. We could, decorate the house ourselves (that's kinda insane, even thinking about it).

We could have a group of solid friends to grow old together with. We could work nine to fives and average a C+ with the occasional B and be satisfied as good independent contributors. Or I could be an author, profoundly average. We could paint the walls. We could visit a new good hawker each week. We could design our own workouts. Maybe even swim in the sea.... or get a dog??

We could devote our lives to something bigger than us in one. We could volunteer together on weekends. We could join grassroots (???) We could visit old folks and spend time with the poor. We could post insta stories condemning wars (????) We could pick up trash on beaches with like minded friends. We could bring our own bags and water bottles and pick up trash from the floor.

We could do disaster relief overseas for holidays. Or build an orphanage. Or run yellow ribbon / color / whatever run for good. We could foster or adopt children. You could quit your job mid career to pursue something more. Or we could take lower paying jobs in a more meaningful sector. We could enjoy community. And support each other through the tough times and brokenness of this world. We could ask for stronger backs to carry heavier loads.

We could start a social enterprise. Maybe one of us only. We could serve on board together. Or man a suicide helpline together. We could innovate great new strategies and prototype them. We could rest fulfilled knowing we tried to make the world a better place.

Or we could do a bit of each.

[[I wrote this at]]*|11:53 PM|

Sunday, February 18, 2024

[[]]

I feel limited by decisions earlier me has made.

But those are not bad decisions. In fact, they are rather good decisions

I suppose all of us are limited by decisions made earlier.

Perhaps at the end of JC/Army you have your whole life ahead of you. But after that every decision is more limiting than it is expansive. And im using the word as a kinda verb which you know what I mean.

Because I make them in theory correct. And my theory hasn't really changed, so those are great decisions.

I find it easier (and pls God don't make it harder for me) to make one off decisions, especially big considered decisions correctly. but in the daily decisions to live up to the ideals in the big decisions, the practical goes awry. And sometimes therefore, feel limited by the decisions made earlier, and sometimes ponder what ifs.

[[I wrote this at]]*|9:03 PM|

Monday, February 12, 2024

[[On staying Single]]

Hmm. Not really sure whether I this is suited online or not. But whatever, think this will help me think clearer and might also be helpful for other people. It can also be a record depending on how things turn out. Maybe I'll eat my words or what. Who knows? God knows.

In short, I've recently concluded that the chance of me being married are quite low. In some ways it feels like the conclusion to move church. Like something that perhaps I should have come to the conclusion sooner. Lol. And also in terms of it being like a weighty shift in perspective.

But in short, I think I have realised (more and more) the following:

1. Really hard for me to be fond of people to a very large extent

2. Have some rather un-negotiable theoretical requirements for a partner that limit available pool

From 1 and 2, the overlap is already rather small.

A few years back I already knew these two though, but I thought that it wasn't a large issue or rather an issue that can be surmountable. However, I've come to realise the following (or in other words I didn't quite believe the following that long ago but now I do):

3. People that meet the theoretical requirements are generally not keen to be (idk whats the word but lets use the pursued) pursued if I am not very fond of them (or in other words, reasonably fond).

4. It takes a significant time and proximity for me to be very fond of someone

5. Based on current steady state environment, I don't foresee myself spending sufficient time / proximity with anyone to become very fond of them. Or in other words, there are limited natural opportunities for such to happen without, idk, exceptional deliberate effort.

6. I am not very able to change the degree of fondness of people through willpower and/or similar

Taken all together, it seems to me that it seems highly unlikely that I will meet someone to get married to.

Well of course there is "exceptional deliberate effort", which I am thinking of things like dating apps and the like. But they don't really appeal to me, and I doubt that I will be very fond of people through that actually (but well, leave it open since I've never tried). Actually, the more concerning thing to me is that I will be fond of people on apps for the wrong reasons or similar though I suppose there are mitigation strategies that can be taken.

But it seems to me that currently, while desirous of someone to spend time and invest effort in, I am quite content to work on being closer to God and to, be not needy (or treat it healthily or least toxically LMAO). Well, if that doesn't change, there is less impetus to do uh, drastic stuff too. As such, I'm like really doing nothing about it.

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:15 AM|

Friday, February 9, 2024

[[]]

I suppose this is the age where realities impose their will on idealism.

I'm quite aware of the cap to how far I can go in my career and how much money I can make in this life.

Am quite aware of certain other personal goals that I have failed to meet.

But what kind of life am I pursuing? Feels like there is a theoretical answer and a real answer that my actions say.

We shall see if they can align more and more and more.

There's also a bit about needing to show people how good you are. Or needing to do such and such to live up to potential.

Both are quite lame.

You only need to do what is needed to be done.

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:12 AM|

Monday, February 5, 2024

[[]]

So in a weird turn of events, I am done with army. Like I literally MR-ed at 30 years old, which I believe is the fastest possible since the youngest you ord is usually 20 years old. Which is quite insane, which means i did 10 NS years in 10 years and 7 high keys.

Hmm, and ATEC was good, we did well, and it was a good time with my guys. All my specs didnt go outfield, but well, they settled most of the admin stuff. Perhaps it is very hard for my specs because they parachute in without being part of the unit during NSF time. I wonder how do other similar platoons settle this. It is very hard to "control" people that you have absolutely no relationship with / respect for I reckon?

Well, deeper NS reflections can be had another time. I think NS is a really interesting place that I have learned much from and maybe developed as a person.

But yeah, no more army. Thats insane. Like no more whining about needing to go reservist or dreading it. Or taking ippt. Or getting free emart credits. Also no more seeing my guys. Well. I dunno, I feel I invested quite alot in my guys and now that everyone is maturing, it is finally bearing some fruit. And it is done. But oh well. I wish them all the best.

But well, this thorn in the flesh is gone. What now? I dunno man, feels like it was something that really undulated my life. Now that I think about my future life, it honestly looks boring as shit. I mean my routine is not bad but what? same routine for next 30 years and grow old with my friends? man. Sounds really boring.

Hmm, would be nice to spike to the good side... But I dont see anything. Maybe change church? I dunno.

[[I wrote this at]]*|12:24 AM|

Sunday, January 14, 2024

[[]]

i breathe in and i breathe out, and it is another moment closer to booking in again. Also another moment closer to death. Also another moment closer to changing church.

time ticks by and my anxious heart doesn't want to go to sleep because tomorrow will become here, not to mention that i will probably not sleep very well. Actually it is so interesting that I have just started to realise that this feeling is actually anxiousness. I always thought I am not an anxious person, but maybe I just don't diagnose myself well.

but why are you anxious, my soul? what is there to be anxious about? for it is nothing in light of eternity although it seems so big now.

in 2 weeks it will be nothing.

I wonder whether I will miss this anxiousness and/or yearly thorn in my flesh after the 2 weeks have passed.

Youtube is throttling speeds or interacting badly with adblock. nice, good friction to spend less time on there.

time goes by so slowly.

life is actually very interesting. I saw a post that said something to the effect of, you can cut someone out of life and also miss them. you can miss someone without wanting them back, when you dont want someone back it is also ok to be sad that they are gone. when you are sad that they are gone, its also ok to be angry at what they have done. and when angry, also ok to still love them. And i thought it was very profound.

[[I wrote this at]]*|10:59 PM|